So it's 2:45 in the morning on Mother's Day. I can't sleep. This day is so special to me, but it reminds me of Dani's selfless birthmother even more than most days. I have so much I want to say to her, so I write.....I know she won't ever see this or maybe someday she will somehow, but it's more therapy I guess.
Dear Beautiful,
Happy Mother's Day to you....wherever you are. I don't know what you are doing, where you live, or where you work. I know hardly anything about you, but then again I know you more than anyone. I talk to God about you so often. I pray for you as much as I pray for myself. I find myself wanting to share things with you so often. I wish we were tiny people in a snow globe and you could look in on us sometimes. Is that silly? I just want you to see. I know you would be proud of our baby. She fills my heart with laughter. I hope you would be proud of me, too. I question that sometimes.I have had to make some hard decisions, and I could have really used your help. Dani and I talk about you so much. We read a story about a Mommy fox and a baby fox many nights. The baby fox is adopted, and he asks questions about his birthmother. I always stop and tell her that she has your eyes. She does! She has the biggest, bluest, beautiful eyes...well, just look in the mirror. You see your eyes, those..she has those same eyes.
I know you miss her today. I am sure you miss her everyday. Maybe some birthmothers choose adoption and never look back, but no...not you.You loved her first. I saw it in your eyes. I read it on your face. When I hugged you, I felt it in the way your tiny, frail body shook. I am sure you have so many questions. I guess that is why I am writing this. I feel like after everything you have given me I should be able to give you answers.
Is she healthy?
She is doing so well! She never slowed down. She finally started growing and she has yet to stop. She loves to eat vegetables! Fruit is her favorite! Now, don't get me wrong sister loves a french fry, too!
What does she look like?
This is where I could tell you to just look in the mirror. She has your face, your eyes, and her hair is thin like yours. It is blonde and bouncy. Her curls are precious!
Her personality?
She is a mess! She definitely dances to her own tune. She loves to laugh. She giggles and smiles all the time. She enjoys making people laugh. She loves attention. She kinda thinks the world revolves around her. ( that is her grandparents fault...well maybe I am a tiny bit to blame, too. ) She loves to dance, swim, and play with puppies. Who am I kidding...she loves everything and everyone. I think she has your heart. She worries about others. She is such a good mommy to her baby dolls.
What else? What else do you think about? Do you question your decision? I hope not. I only talked to you once. Our conversation was short, but long enough for me to see your concerns and desires. I have tried to teach her the things we both wanted her to know. I hug her and kiss her extra for you each night. I know it isn't the same, but I hope it comforts you. I pray that God gives you peace and comfort. I ask Him to rain blessings down upon you.
I hope you finish school. I hope you find a wonderful job. I would love for you to marry a prince....but wait a while. When you finally do settle down, I pray you have more babies. I may be partial, but you have the cutest genes. :)
Oh yea, remember when I told you I hoped we would all three be sisters in Christ? I pray most for your salvation. I know life has been hard for you. I know you have struggled. I hope you saw that God can take sin, and He can bring something amazing out of a poor situation. That is God. He has this amazing way of working ALL things together for good. I hope you have found him. I know that if you do, if you have...then I will see you again one day. I will be able to tell you face to face about our daughter. I hope to tell you how smart she was, how beautiful she looked on her wedding day, where she went to college, that she gave me the most beautiful grandbabies....I long for that moment. The moment I see you again. See, the last time I saw you I hugged you and I told you I had so much to say...but the only words that would come out were , "Thank you". I guess not much has changed. If I were to see you in Heaven, and oh I hope I do...I will probably be a blubbering mess once again and barely be able to get any words out. I will still just Thank you.
Thank you precious, beautiful girl. Thank you for loving her first. Thank you for loving her enough to choose life. I know it was not easy. I know you were afraid. I am so proud of you. Today on Mother's Day if you question yourself or your choices...if you feel like you miss her more than you can bear...just be still. I have prayed that God will gently whisper my Thank you to your heart. Remember sweet girl, Giving birth doesn't make someone a mother, and placing a baby for adoption doesn't make someone less of one.
Happy Mother's day to the Mother who gave Dani life
from the mother who gets to watch her live it.
