Chapter 28-The time of our lives

Chapter 28 “The time of our lives”

 

                Well yesterday our precious Dani Marie turned 1 !!! Can you believe that? A year has flown by so quickly. We soaked every moment of her birthday up! Papa, Dani, and I enjoyed the morning at the circus. It was so much fun to watch her bright blue eyes light up and see her giggle . I thought about this time last year all day. It wasn’t even until 11:00 pm I knew my angel had arrived in the world, and it wasn’t until April 13^th the next morning when I found out she was really ours.

 

                Some every day events are hard for me to recall. I can’t even remember what I wore two days ago or where I put my keys, but that day….that phone call, the message…. I remember every detail a year later just like it happened yesterday.

                I was so tired, literally exhausted not just from being up all night praying, but from months and years of hoping without seeing, of loss, of empty arms. I had prayed all night that somehow the birth parents would choose us. My heart wanted to hope, it wanted to believe, but parts of it just couldn’t. I had decided a few months prior that I just wasn’t meant to be a mother. I was face down on my bathroom floor and crying to God in anger for turning his back on me. I still get chills when I think of that night I gave up on God. It was December, I cried from failed fertility attempts, I cried from exhaustion, and I quoted scripture back to God as if He hadn’t written it. “Ask and it shall be given unto you.” “Seek and ye will find” “”The desires of my heart?” I had clung to these very verses for years. I decided that night that God would not make me mother, and so I told him in the most hateful, cruel, selfish way to quit hurting me. “Just stop, just take it away… Take away my desire to be a mother! If you bring me home to a childless house every night, then take it away from my heart!!! Harden my heart; I don’t want to hurt anymore.” My heart breaks now, because I know at that very moment when I was trying to throw in the towel, Dani Marie had already been conceived. God knew I needed to just hold on a little longer.

Fast forward….

                So all night, I prayed that the tiny baby fighting for her precious life would become mine, but part of my heart had become hardened. Even though I prayed and I hoped, parts of me never really believed it could happen. I did what I had become good at doing. I prepared for the worst. I had learned that when you want, and you hope, that is when it hurts the most. I thought I had learned to outsmart pain. You see, if I never let my heart truly think it could be, well then when it didn’t work out, I would be able to handle it.

                April 13^th, I drove to work. I didn’t wear makeup, because I knew that when I heard it didn’t work out yet again, I would tear up. I prayed for God to help my heart to understand that the other family that was chosen had hurt like we hurt. They wanted a baby as badly as we did. I asked God to help me find a way to be happy for them.

                There I went again, telling God how to handle my heart……Silly me!

                At about 10:30 that morning as I stood in the hall with my friends, my world changed forever. It’s amazing that one simple text message can change your life, but that’s exactly what happened. It took just a second for everything to process. “Come meet my daughter??!!????” Those beautiful, sweet words I had long given up on…..My daughter!!!! Every wall I had built around my heart suddenly crashed down. I’m so glad my God didn’t give up on me, when I tried to give up on Him.

                Today, a year later….I’m preparing for a ladybug themed birthday party. She has the perfect monogrammed outfit, tons of decorations, an elaborate cake, and too many presents. As hectic as this morning is preparing for the special event, I never let myself get to busy to slow down, stop, and reflect on what she has given us. She has brought us a lifetime of joy in 12 short months.

                Pics of party………Very soon!!!

Love y’all!

Chapter 27 Silly Rabbit, Easter is for Jesus!

Silly Rabbit, Easter is for Jesus!

          Hello!!! Easter has always been one of my very favorite holidays. I love everything about Easter. The spiritual message brings me so much hope; the secular activities are always so fun and make me excited for spring. Easter like so many things feels different this year. I have always celebrated the resurrection of Jesus from a certain perspective. I have been moved and humbled by the sacrifice Jesus made for me as a Christian. The Easter drama at our church always leaves me with tear-filled eyes as I reflect on how much Christ loved us.

     This year the Easter message touches me as it always has but in a whole new way. You see this year during the Easter drama and as I read over the Easter story, I saw it with a new pair of eyes, the eyes of a parent. How incredible the love of our Heavenly Father is. As I watched the Easter drama portrayed this year, I saw Christ, not only as my Savior but as God’s Son. I saw God as a dad. As his son’s body was beat, his clothes were ripped, and the crowd screamed in anger, I thought of what our God had allowed to happen for us, for me. I think of how defensive I am over my precious daughter. My heart broke for God. He sacrificed his perfect, holy son. He watched as he gave his life, as he was tortured, and cried out in pain. I can’t imagine the horror or the hurt that He felt. As a parent, I’m sure He longed to take the pain away, to stop the cruelest injustice this world has ever known; Knowing all the while, that He had the power to stop it. He could say the word and it would all go away. When Jesus prayed in agony asking His Father to allow this cup to pass from him, how that had to be so painful for God. This year the Gaston Easter Drama was perfectly titled, “What Love is this?” That title kept echoing in my mind. As I heard the hammer beat the nails, as I thought of my many sins and failures. I realized that God loves me so much. Jesus gave his own life for our ransom. I have always known that, and celebrated it, but this was the first time I saw God not only as a mighty, powerful, victorious King in this story, I saw him a parent. A parent who loved me an unworthy sinner so much, that He was able to make the most amazing sacrifice. What Love is this? It’s a love like no other.
     The Easter bunny will visit us, we will dye Easter eggs, and we will wear 1 of our 4 Easter dress choices to church. These are things that I anticipate with a happy heart, but these are NOT the things that will make this Easter for me. The Easter bunny, sweet and cuddly as he is has never done anything for me. He won’t get the glory in our house. Jesus, Son of a Mighty God, will be the hero of the holiday.

 The grave could not hold our KING! Happy Easter!!!

  P.S. – Can you believe I have been busy planning a 1st birthday party?????? Wow, hard to believe…. More to come on that soon! Love y’all!

Chapter 26- This World

Chapter 26 – This World

Happy Hump Day!!! I hope you are all having a great week.

Something is weighing heavy on my heart tonight, so why not share it with y’all!

I will start with the good news….. Dani Marie, after about a month of saying, “Dada, Dada” finally said, “Ma Ma, Ma Ma”. It was such sweet music to my ears. Softball season is underway, and my team played our first double header Tuesday night. This meant the only time I laid eyes on my daughter while she was awake was during the 10 minute drive to my mom and dad’s house before school. Daniel told me that night when he had her she was saying, “Ma, Ma”. I kind of dismissed it, thinking maybe he was pulling my leg to help my feelings.  The next morning when I turned on her light to wake my sleepy head up, I said, “Hey my Dani Ree Ree!!”, and then she did it. She lifted her arms and said, “ Hey Ma Ma!” Plain as day. You guessed it, I cried!!!!  Her face so sweet and innocent, so precious……

 

This brings me to the more discouraging issue. Recently, I have had my eyes opened to how cruel this world can be. Sometimes I get wrapped up in living in my little miracle bubble, and the world seems like a wonderful place. I think seeing God’s hand work so closely in my life, has caused me to look for the good in all things now. This is a blessing and at times a curse.

I want to believe I am raising this tiny lady in a world that is good and safe. A world where people are good, and where they follow the golden rule. People seek to serve, and they don’t look to throw stones. A world slow to judge and quick to defend. A world where people seek to find the good in others, not rejoice in malicious attacks of their neighbor. Sadly, this is not the world we live in.

How do you prepare those innocent sweet eyes, for the world? My heart already breaks for the first time that those big beautiful eyes fill with tears over the betrayal of a friend, the hurtful words of a classmate, or the negative comments of another. I don’t want her spirit broken. I want to protect her from hurt.

How? I wish I could keep her right where she is now, so she never knows hurt.

I’m scared. I’m scared to death of what will come.

I was feeling defeated and terrified earlier today. The adult issues I deal with reminding me just how mean people can be. Dani Marie’s testimony has touched so many people. Literally hundreds of people have reached out to us and told us how inspired they were by her story. Each time I receive an email, phone call, or meet someone who has heard her story~I’m reminded how good our God is. He took the mess I was, the mistakes I have made, the human faults I have and he chose to use me and the struggle to help tell of his love. His grace, mercy, and goodness, I feel so unworthy at times. I have to be honest, there are still times when I feel undeserving of this gift. The devil has had a big time with these feelings this week. He has used the hurtful words and whispers and false judgments of others to remind me of some of the most painful moments on my journey to motherhood. Moments that still feel at times like open wounds. It makes me discouraged and disappointed in people. I was letting these feelings get the best of me when I went to scripture tonight. As always, God’s word did not disappoint. I read verse after verse that reminded me that even though people can try to stay in the way of God’s will and his powerful witness, He will prevail. I looked at Judas, who betrayed Jesus. God used that evil to bring about the greatest good.

If I have learned anything over the last year, it’s that God still uses people for His will. He still heals, He still performs miracles. He hasn’t given up on “people” yet. He still looks down at this cruel world that has turned so far from him, and finds the good.

This encourages me tonight. When it feels like people rejoice in evil and try to tear down what God has built up, I know what I need to do. My first reaction was fear. Afraid for this world to corrupt those huge innocent blue-eyes, but then I realize that it’s those bright blue innocent eyes that should remind me that there is still good in this world. There is still hope. My first reaction is to teach my daughter to be defensive and build walls to protect her from being hurt. That is not right. Instead, I need to teach her that even though the world may be cruel and hurt, love is still the greatest weapon we have. The devil and people who run others down in order to build themselves up, they don’t see that. They have to live in fear. Their strength may come from the destruction of others, but it is only temporary. We as Christians know that this world is not our home. We know how the story ends. God wins. Love wins. There is still good in people. It may seem rare, hard to find at times, but it is there. So, as hard as it may be, I won’t teach her to fear, to protect, to guard herself from others, but I will teach her to love, to search for good, to forgive, to hope, and who knows maybe instead of this world changing the innocence in her eyes, her innocence will change the world.

I’m clinging to this verses tonight.

Rom 12:2: Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

 

John 16:33: “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

 

Parenting is a learning experience! Prayers appreciated J

Love you all!

Chapter 25 - This too shall pass

So today has been one of those days, you know the ones where you want to just throw a big fat pity party for yourself. Ever had a day that leaves you questioning everything you do? A day where it feels like hardly anyone is in your corner? A day where everything seems to go wrong?

Well today was that day for me. I'm a teacher and a coach, needless to say I don't make a lot of money. I definitely didn't choose this profession to become rich. If teachers/coaches were paid by the hour, by the time you figure in all the extra planning, practicing, conferencing etc. it would work out to be about 25 cents an hour. Coaching in particular is often a thankless and lonely job. So, as I was saying~this was a particularly trying day. I was getting caught up in the tiny details of what didn't go my way today as I drove home from practice. It was a long, tiring day. I felt defeated and discouraged.
God decided to send me a little perspective.
I walked in at my parents' house, and I was greeted with the most precious smile from a beautiful blue-eyed doll. Today though, she was CRAWLING! Crawling! This may not seem big to y'all, but for us it is huge. We have done exercises for the past few months in order to "strengthen her core" as instructed by occupational therapists who access our preemie's progress. Months of daily exercises, the same routine. We worked on this, her Granna worked on this, but for a while Dani seemed perfectly content just sitting and laughing. But today, February 20, 2013~she crawled.
I cried and I kissed her. The thing is I had been so consumed with the tiny details of the day. Things that seemed so huge and worth worrying over, but suddenly only one thing was on my mind.
God used that moment, to remind me what is really important.
As I loaded her up and drove home, I couldn't help but smile. I thought to myself, what a great day!!!
Granted thirty minutes prior, I was stressed and confused. I allowed myself to be consumed with negative thoughts and minor dilemmas.
But in true Dani (miracle girl) fashion, this little blessing reminded me what is valuable. I thought to myself about all the times that I let the burdens of infertility and loneliness consume me, and how God so faithfully sent me Dani Marie to deliver me from those. I thought about the words, "This too shall pass." I decided that I more than anyone should know how true this phrase is. Sure, maybe if I had never seen God's mighty hand at work I would have a reason to be bogged down by earthly issues and unimportant problems. I spent years longing for a child, begging to have the pain of infertility removed from me. God delivered me from this, through a tiny 2 lb blessing. Should I of all people not know that God is still our Deliverer? In the biggest trials, and also in the smallest trials.  I'm so thankful that my heavenly Father is so patient and faithful to gently send a reminder that I have been blessed enough to receive a modern-day miracle. Almost as if God said, " My child don't you remember, this too shall pass?"

I'm so thankful for this wonderful, daily reminder that we serve an Awesome God!!!!

Love y'all!
Kisses and Hugs

Chapter 24: Merry Christmas!!!!

I know y'all must get sick of reading about me crying. I write this blog tonight with tears of joy streaming down my face. I am overwhelmed. For years I have dreamed of this moment. It's a typical hectic Christmas Eve night for so many families. We stayed out late visiting with family, we came home and rushed to prepare for Santa's visit. As I type, Santa's elf Daniel is in the living room blowing up a 4 foot princess castle ball pit. The cutest pink stocking has been filled to the top with goodies, and chocolate chip cookies have been placed on the sweetest Christmas platter. This is so exciting! I think maybe I am more excited about this visit from Santa than I ever was as a kid. I know it may seem silly and Dani Marie won't remember this Christmas, but her daddy and I will never forget it. It isn't really the presents, cookies, stockings, or toys, but it's the joy. A kind of happiness that fills your whole heart.

My prayer tonight is for the families who aren't busy preparing for Santa to visit. The ones who like us for so many years woke up to a quiet house. I have been burdened about the recent events involving the school shooting that horrified our nation. My heart breaks for the families who had already prepared for Christmas with children they no longer have here. This night will be unimaginably difficult for them. I'm lifting those sweet families up to God in prayer during this difficult time.

I say all this to simply share what I am reminded of this year. Whether you will spend the morning watching bright eyed kids laugh, giggle, and rip into way too many presents, or you will sit quietly soaking in a Christmas that is not as happy as some in years past~please stop and remember the reason for the season. The same God who has blessed us this year beyond measure. Who despite our lack of faithfulness and our human hearts, delivered to us our greatest blessing in the most miraculous way. He is the same God who comforts those who grieve over lost loved ones, quiet homes, and broken dreams. There is HOPE in Christmas. The manger, not Santa, is where our HOPE lies.

These thoughts are humbling me tonight, and helping me to put this Christmas into perspective.

We are overjoyed to be preparing for Santa to visit our home tonight, but we are anxiously awaiting his visit~because of the birth of the King. God's perfect plan and mercy and grace have brought us to this incredible Christmas moment. This picture says it best.....

 

From our family to yours~MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Chapter 23 ( Deck the Halls!!!!)

Chapter 23 ( Deck the Halls )

Luke 2:14 “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”
Wow...... The past 7 months have been an exciting whirlwind. Time passes so quickly. It seems like we just celebrated the 4th of July with our little Firecracker. Sometimes though, certain things happen and it causes my world to stand still. I am reminded of just what exactly this wonderful miracle girl has done for us.

I love Christmas! I always have. Carols, red sweaters, candy canes, egg nog, manger scenes, Santa Claus, every bit of Christmas always filled me with joy. Our first few Christmas seasons as a married couple were bearable, even at times fun. The thing about Christmas is that it falls right at the end of the year. Christmas breaks also mark the start of a New Year. For Daniel and I, for the last few years this has served as a reminder of just how long we longed for a child. For years, I would look with hope filled eyes at the Baby's First Christmas stockings and ornaments. I told myself, " Next year, by next Christmas we will have a little someone to celebrate with." In time, all the things of Christmas just became a reminder of how quiet our house was on Christmas morning. We did the best we could. We bought presents for nieces and our nephew, we pretended to be Santa for our parents, we even sat together and exchanged gifts each year by the tree. I just remember Last December, as I mentioned in an earlier blog, was honestly the lowest point of my life. I remember putting the decorations away into their boxes with hot tears streaming down my face. I distinctly remember throwing the " O " from our stocking holder set into a big box in anger. You see, I always thought it cruel, the cute little letters that you can buy to hang your stockings from, well you can get HOPE, PEACE, or JOY. I purchased JOY the first year we were married. I planned to have a stocking to hang from the third letter soon. 7 Christmas seasons later, Daniel's stocking hung from the "J", mine from the "Y", and there in the middle an obviously empty "O". I was packing away the tinsel and the stockings. I stared at that "O" and I cried. I cried angry tears. Tears that were mad, jealous, and bitter. I looked at the large manger scene on our mantle almost in spite. I had let the "JOY" of the true meaning of Christmas become clouded by my own selfish desires to have a baby when I wanted one.

I had almost forgotten this incident, until this week. I was eager to get our Christmas decorations. I placed Dani Marie in her bouncy seat and I began to turn our house into a Christmas wonderland. I reached into box after box and pulled out decorations. I reached into the last box and there it was. The "O". I immediately went back to that moment a year ago. The last moment my hand had touched it. My eyes immediately went to the manger scene I had just put out on display. I stared at the perfect portrait of God's precious love, and for the first time in years, I felt Christmas. I felt it in my heart. Not the red sweaters, or Santa Claus, or the decorations, but true Christmas. God's love for us. His gift. It reminded me of another precious gift I had been given. I took out the "J", I hung Daniel's stocking. I tearfully hung my own from the "Y". Then I held that " O " . I held it and I cried. I placed it on the mantle. I looked over at the most beautiful face, and I cried. I talked to her like she could understand. I told her, " Dani Marie, you have saved me. You are our "O". It had to be you, it had to be now! I understand. Any other way, and we wouldn't know "JOY". She laughed!!! She laughed and she laughed. I glanced back at the manger, and I thanked God for reminding me the true meaning of Christmas.

JOY to the WORLD, the KING has COME!!!!!

Love you!

Chapter 22 ( Family )

November 12th- Dani Marie Martin is stinking 7 months old today!!! This is amazing. Time has passed so quickly.

I have so much to update you on. She is able to STAND up while holding on to her crib, couch, etc. Is that not awesome? This girl has such a spirit of determination. She is flipping over, laughing constantly, and loves to be tickled. She is such a happy lady.
She is also becoming quite the butterball. Don't take my word for it.... ( She will kill me for this when she is a teenager....I can't resist though, so cute! )

You can't help but smile when you look at that!!!

We went for a check-up with the nutritionist last week. This is how it went.......

The waiting room was busy and full of screaming babies, kids crying, and impatient parents. They called us back to the lab for measurements. We went back out, waited, and were called back. The nutritionist said, " Well my plan was to get you in and out quickly, but as I look at this growth chart.....it's interesting. It's almost completely vertical. That means Dani Marie is completely on track  for catching up in weight. She is just a little....well, a little on the short side. "
She then looked up at me pacing and said, " How tall are you? You are rather tall..." To which I chuckled and replied, " Well, I'm 5'9 but that's really neither here nor there, she is adopted." We both had a good laugh. I asked if there was anything to be concerned about. She assured me that everything was fine, but sweet Dani might be only 5'2 or 5'3. These are just estimates and who knows what she will end up looking like, but for now we can't help but smile.

Daniel and I both have dark brown hair, hazel eyes, and are very tall. We have the sweetest short, blond haired ( more like peach fuzz ), blue eyed baby. She may not look a thing like us, but she fits perfectly.

She even loves sports! Check her out, watching the basketball game with Daddy.

Who says you have to be tall to play basketball? Short, fast, future point guard in the making! :)
One of my favorite quotes:
Family isn't about sharing the same genetics, Thats being related, Family is when you love someone to death, and You would do anything for them, You trust them, Take care of them, And in Return they do the same. Its the type of bond you hold together.

I want to ask for help from my blog "family".
I'm writing this blog tonight with a heavy but hopeful heart. One of my dearest friends and a huge part of Dani Marie's life is carrying a heavy burden. Her sister was recently involved in a horrific accident and is currently suffering from traumatic injuries. She needs your prayer. I know firsthand how powerful and healing the prayers of this group can be. I'm asking you to go to the Lord on behalf of Christy and her sister Cheryl. She showed some response today. This is wonderful, but she still needs your prayers.  God has shown our family what mighty, perfect power He has. Please take time to lift this family up in prayer.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. " Romans 12:12