Chapter 34 Love and Legacy

 
    I write mostly in this blog about the little lady who made me a parent. Dani Marie's story is the heart of this blog. I love sharing her journey, our memories, the Lord's latest workings in our lives with her, etc. Tonight I want to share a little about her grandparents. They are such an important part of her life and mine. They were praying for this tiny miracle long before she arrived.

  Dani Marie and I have wonderful bedtime talks. We "splish splash", read, review letters and sounds,(Can you say teacher mommy?) and pray at night. We like to take a few minutes and just chat. She is such a silly girl and will often make me laugh during these special times. As we say our prayers, I often ask her who she would like to thank Jesus for....The Lord has blessed Dani Marie with four wonderful grandparents to love her rotten. Her Nano and Pop always make her list when she is thanking Jesus. Granna and Papa are without fail some of the first to make the cut. It's so precious to hear her thank The Lord for the special people in our lives. Tonight after I tucked her in, I thought about just why I am so thankful for her Granna and Papa for my own reasons.
   My parents story is something a lot of people don't really know. I won't go into great detail because it's their story to tell. I will give you the general idea.
   My parents didn't have easy lives. My father has known more tragedy in his life that I think one person should have to bear. His father was killed in a shrimp-boat accident when he was a toddler. His mother was left to do the best she could. She had seven children and was not able to take care of all of them. My dad went to live with an aunt. He didn't grow up in the house with his mother or his siblings. His sister Ella Marie died as a child, his brother James Luke died after a fire from smoke inhalation, etc. The list goes on.
  My mom came from a family that didn't have much. She wasn't able to go to school, go to college, she worked as a full-time waitress at the age of fifteen to help support her younger sisters. A full-time waitress at fifteen??? I can't imagine that???
  Here they were just kids....kids who had been dealt a sorry hand. Kids who were young in age but mature beyond their years in life experience. They met, fell in love, and were married a few months later. That's right I said months.
   This all sounds like a recipe for disaster right???? Well......42 years later..... That couple of kids are the most wonderful Granna and Papa that Dani Marie could ask for. The best parents I could have ever hoped for. How? With the deck stacked against them they could have easily thrown in the towel. They could have blamed unstable homes, poverty, limited education, and negative circumstances and allowed those things to become a crutch. Instead they made a promise to God, each other, and themselves to thrive. They chose to feed the inner qualities of work ethic, willpower, loyalty, perseverance, and most of all selfless sacrifice to completely rewrite their story. My story... and now Dani Marie's story.... You see I'm living my dream. I'm a teacher. I'm a teacher because they were determined to sew in the furniture factory until fingers bled, to work long hours as a grocery store manager, to cook biscuits at Hardee's, to work night shift so that I could have the wings to follow my dream. I knew I would go to college. I always knew.
  I guess like most children it took me becoming an adult....more specifically a parent to truly understand and comprehend the level of sacrifice they made for me. I can now fully appreciate the life they gave me...the life they gave us.
   So as I turn out the light tonight and shut the door with tears in my eyes, I whisper a thank you Jesus for Granna and Papa of my own. For Everything....

Thank you Jesus for Granna
Prays my baby girl
Thank you for Papa
He's the best in the world!
Her tender words so honest and true.
If all the things they did for her she only knew.
I give her a hug and squeeze her tight.
I kiss her softly and turn out the light.
I'm proud that she adores and loves them so,
But she just doesn't know...
Before they were the best Granna and Papa in the world,
They were the greatest Mom and Dad to another little girl.

Tonight I'm so thankful for good parents. The kind I had. The kind I hope to be.

Love y'all

Chapter 33 You Loved Her First

So it's 2:45 in the morning on Mother's Day. I can't sleep. This day is so special to me, but it reminds me of Dani's selfless birthmother even more than most days. I have so much I want to say to her, so I write.....I know she won't ever see this or maybe someday she will somehow, but it's more therapy I guess.

Dear Beautiful,
      Happy Mother's Day to you....wherever you are. I don't know what you are doing, where you live, or where you work. I know hardly anything about you, but then again I know you more than anyone. I talk to God about you so often. I pray for you as much as I pray for myself. I find myself wanting to share things with you so often. I wish we were tiny people in a snow globe and you could look in on us sometimes. Is that silly? I just want you to see. I know you would be proud of our baby. She fills my heart with laughter. I hope you would be proud of me, too. I question that sometimes.I have had to make some hard decisions, and I could have really used your help. Dani and I talk about you so much. We read a story about a Mommy fox and a baby fox many nights. The baby fox is adopted, and he asks questions about his birthmother. I always stop and tell her that she has your eyes. She does! She has the biggest, bluest, beautiful eyes...well, just look in the mirror. You see your eyes, those..she has those same eyes.
  I know you miss her today. I am sure you miss her everyday. Maybe some birthmothers choose adoption and never look back, but no...not you.You loved her first. I saw it in your eyes. I read it on your face. When I hugged you, I felt it in the way your tiny, frail body shook. I am sure you have so many questions. I guess that is why I am writing this. I feel like after everything you have given me I should be able to give you answers.
Is she healthy?
  She is doing so well! She never slowed down. She finally started growing and she has yet to stop. She loves to eat vegetables!  Fruit is her favorite! Now, don't get me wrong sister loves a french fry, too!
What does she look like?
  This is where I could tell you to just look in the mirror. She has your face, your eyes, and her hair is thin like yours. It is blonde and bouncy. Her curls are precious!
Her personality?
  She is a mess! She definitely dances to her own tune. She loves to laugh. She giggles and smiles all the time. She enjoys making people laugh. She loves attention. She kinda thinks the world revolves around her. ( that is her grandparents fault...well maybe I am a tiny bit to blame, too. ) She loves to dance, swim, and play with puppies. Who am I kidding...she loves everything and everyone. I think she has your heart. She worries about others. She is such a good mommy to her baby dolls.
  What else? What else do you think about? Do you question your decision? I hope not. I only talked to you once. Our conversation was short, but long enough for me to see your concerns and desires. I have tried to teach her the things we both wanted her to know. I hug her and kiss her extra for you each night. I know it isn't the same, but I hope it comforts you. I pray that God gives you peace and comfort. I ask Him to rain blessings down upon you.
  I hope you finish school. I hope you find a wonderful job. I would love for you to marry a prince....but wait a while. When you finally do settle down, I pray you have more babies. I may be partial, but you have the cutest genes. :)
Oh yea, remember when I told you I hoped we would all three be sisters in Christ? I pray most for your salvation. I know life has been hard for you. I know you have struggled. I hope you saw that God can take sin, and He can bring something amazing out of a poor situation. That is God. He has this amazing way of working ALL things together for good. I hope you have found him. I know that if you do, if you have...then I will see you again one day. I will be able to tell you face to face about our daughter. I hope to tell you how smart she was, how beautiful she looked on her wedding day, where she went to college, that she gave me the most beautiful grandbabies....I long for that moment. The moment I see you again. See, the last time I saw you I hugged you and I told you I had so much to say...but the only words that would come out were , "Thank you". I guess not much has changed. If I were to see you in Heaven, and oh I hope I do...I will probably be a blubbering mess once again and barely be able to get any words out. I will still just Thank you.
Thank you precious, beautiful girl. Thank you for loving her first. Thank you for loving her enough to choose life. I know it was not easy. I know you were afraid. I am so proud of you. Today on Mother's Day if you question yourself or your choices...if you feel like you miss her more than you can bear...just be still. I have prayed that God will gently whisper my Thank you to your heart. Remember sweet girl, Giving birth doesn't make someone a mother, and placing a baby for adoption doesn't make someone less of one.
Happy Mother's day to the Mother who gave Dani life
from the mother who gets to watch her live it.

Chapter 32: Making Lemonade

Chapter 32 : Making Lemonade

   It has officially been forever and a day since I have written a blog entry. I have tons to update you on.


First:  Turning 2 !!!!

Can you believe that  Dani Marie turned 2 years old? It blows my mind! People always say that kids grow so fast, in the blink of an eye, etc. I never believed it or paid much attention to it until now! It's the truth. I feel like just yesterday we were bringing her home from the NICU. We celebrated with an Elmo party. It was a blast! Elmo made an appearance! She loved him and hugged on him all day.

Dance Class

It's no secret that I'm not much of a dancer. The Lord blessed our baby girl with other musical genes. She loves to entertain!!! She constantly sings and dances. We have to literally hold her down to remove her tap shoes every week after dance class. She takes lessons at Tip Toe Dance Studio. Her teachers are always laughing and talking about the things she does in class. I'm so proud she has found something she loves.

Attitude

Remember all the blogs about how she was such a little fighter? She was determined to prove the doctors wrong? She was dead-set on excelling as a preemie? Well.....that little stubborn streak did not go ANYWHERE!
This girl is going to be the death of me. She does not take kindly to being told "No". Our current battle is potty training.

I bought a package of super cute Elmo panties. After much research and consulting with other mothers, I attempted to motivate Dani.......

"Dani, do you see Elmo on these big girl panties? We don't want to tinkle on these, because that would be like Elmo was crying. Elmo doesn't need to cry."

To which she responds....

"Oh, no! Elmo sad. Elmo, it's ok!!!"

And goes on playing

So, I purchase an Elmo Potty doll. It's all fancy and talks. Elmo says, "Can you help me get to the potty?" He has a miniature potty.
I showed Dani the doll and the play potty. I modeled helping Elmo to use the potty. I showed Dani where her potty was.

Two days later.....
Dani is playing with the Elmo doll. He asked to go to the potty. She runs to the back of the house, and by the time I get to the bathroom she has Elmo fully submerged in her training potty.
She looks up at me with those big blue eyes and says....
"It's ok, Melmo. Him had to potty. Him has Dani's potty."

Well, I guess we will keep working on this. To be continued......

There have been lots of changes in our lives over the past several months. I guess you could say Dani and I have been handed a few sour lemons. I have learned so much about life, myself, and God recently. There are some things in this world that we can be certain of. One of those things is disappointment. This world is full of sin. That's just a cold hard fact. It's the world we live in. There is no way around it, but there is protection from it. People must daily guard their hearts against the devil, and if they fail to do that he will gain a foothold. I have seen it happen to people I love dearly.
I have also learned what true strength is. I spent twenty-nine years believing that being tough was being strong. The Lord has certainly changed that way of thinking recently. I see now that sometimes the strongest thing you can do is forgive. The most powerful attribute a person can have is a forgiving heart. When people hurt you, it's easy to hurt back. The human thing to do is fight back.
Holding on to hurt and anger creates bitterness and steals joy. I have learned to ask God to give me strength....the strength to forgive. The strength to love unconditionally, and He has. He continues to give me strength in daily doses.

The saying goes....When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  It's silly I guess, but when I have a rough day or when life seems hard, when my human nature tries to grab hold of my heart, I take a minute and have a big glass of lemonade. I actually purchased Minute Maid Lemonade. It's just a literal reminder that God can truly use ALL things, even the hurtful ones, to bring Him glory. I'm so thankful for Dani Marie. I'm thankful that she only came to me through years of struggle and pain. I used to read about how sometimes the struggles and trials are actually a big part of God's blessings. I will always believe that because of the pain and journey to become a mother I am now able to truly appreciate and soak up every moment of my precious miracle. I can honestly say that I see infertility as a blessing. It was a vessel through which God delivered my life's greatest gift.
I'm also now thankful even more so for that time of waiting. It showed me that God's greatness is shown best through weakness. He tells us in his Word, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
I'm certainly no expert, and I have hard days. Days where I question and want to scream, but all those lemons have made me who I am. I know that God uses each one to continually work on me. He is showing me that He is far from finished with me. I have seen so intimately that it is in the darkest moments, when human flesh hurts us that we can rest in his power. He means what He says. His grace is sufficient for me and for you. I tell my students that sometimes we use big fancy words for simple meanings. Sufficient simply means just what we need. It's just exactly what we need. If we were always on the mountain top, if we never felt betrayal or hurt, if we were given what we longed for right when we wanted it, sure we would seem happy. There is a difference in being happy and having joy. I will take joy any day. Happiness and pleasure come from the outside world, but joy comes from Jesus. It comes in the storm. In the heart of the struggles, when you finally find the strength to lift your head.... that's when we find true Joy;  joy that comes in resting in the power and grace of our King.
We could simply see the lemons as just that.... sour lemons.
Or we can enjoy lemonade while we rest in the comfort of His faithfulness.
And what's better than a cold glass of good ol' lemonade this time of year?
Love you all!


Here is a picture of the tiny miracle.....who isn't so tiny anymore!!!

Chapter 31: Walking and Waiting

Chapter 31: Walking and Waiting J

                Hello there!!! I feel like it has been a lifetime since I shared with y’all. I hope each of you are doing well. I have some big news…..

We are walking!!! I mean full-out walking! It is so precious to watch. She has been toddling just a tad for about a month, but the last couple of weeks our lady has really taken off. I’m telling y’all, chasing after this girl is the best diet I have been on.

Needless to say the past few weeks have been full of following Dani Marie around the house. Her huge personality is really beginning to shine. She wakes up smiling and continues to grin all day long. She is such a social butterfly. Everywhere we go she waves and tells anyone who will stop to listen, “ Hey, hey there!” She has gone from being our tiny baby to our bubbly, independent, and mobile toddler. It’s amazing how quickly time passes.

Today Dani Marie had a blood test done. Let me back up a little bit…… Dani Marie’s birth parents are amazing. We only met them one time, but they were so thoughtful and attentive in their preparation for our adoption. Even at a young age they both exhibited maturity far beyond their years. As the final papers were being signed, both parents filled out a complete medical history. This allowed us to be made aware of a condition that Dani Marie’s birth father had. I won’t go into the details, but it’s a type of blood disorder. The disorder is hereditary, so Dani Marie has a chance of having it. She was tested today. The lab told us the pathologist would need to review the results, so it could be as late as Monday before we know anything.

Monday!!!! Really? I want to be honest. I was so anxious before, during, and after the test.  It was just a little blood test, but it was on my baby. I mean, stick me all day long, but medical testing on my baby…I’m not a fan. We knew that we would need to get the testing done as soon as Dani Marie was old enough. We knew this was coming, but it still doesn’t make the anxiety any better. I kept repeating in my mind today, “Be anxious for nothing” I know my sweet God was calling that scripture to my mind. When I inquired about when we would know the results, I was hoping for today or possibly tomorrow. Monday????? My initial thought was, “ Oh no, I will worry and have anxiety all weekend.” As I drove away from the hospital though, I talked to God. One thing that I have learned over the past few years is that it is vital for Christians to keep things in perspective. When I thought of it as, I’m waiting on test results…important test results, that potentially have the ability to alter Dani Marie’s quality of life, I mean if she does have the disorder, would it be mild? Severe? Moderate? When would we know? What happens then? I was overwhelmed and afraid, and I was so anxious. I stopped myself. I knew that feeling so well. It was almost too familiar to me. I lived in that state for years. It was that feeling of needing to know, needing an immediate answer, waiting on tests, results, doctors. That got me nowhere. I spent years doing that. Pushing away the One who held all the answers. I promised myself this would be different. I reminded myself that I am not waiting on test results, I am waiting on God to reveal the next step in His plan. A peace came over me. It felt good to just let go of the worry. I felt almost silly. Ashlee, have you not learned? Surely you of all people know that God’s plan is perfect. He knew Dani Marie long before you did. He knit her together in her birthmother’s womb to become your daughter. He knew way back in the beginning of your struggle that your answer would come. Even when you cried to Him in anger, screamed at Him in rage, turned away from Him in doubt, he was preparing the way for His precious gift. Have you not learned that drugs, doctors, and test results don’t decide your future? They are merely a tool used as God reveals His will.

 Psalms 27:14 - Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

My prayer tonight:

God strengthen my heart. Remind me over the next few days that I am not waiting on test results. I am waiting to hear from you. I have learned that you are mighty to deliver us. I pray for the results we are hoping for. I pray that your mighty hand covered Dani Marie and protected her from inheriting this medical condition, but God tonight I pray your will be done. I know you hold the future, I know even if you don’t deliver us from this, You will give us the strength to handle what comes next. You are my King, I will ever praise you!

Amen

I just wanted to share where I find myself tonight. I know that like us so many of you find yourself waiting. I hope you too will cling to God’s promises.

Please lift our precious miracle in your prayers once again. Over the next few days, if you think of it please remember us in prayer. I will update you with the results soon, but as for now…We wait, and there is comfort in knowing just Who we are waiting on.

Goodnight!

Love you all!

Chapter 30 - "No, No, no", - Anguish of My Soul"

Chapter 30 : “No, no, no, - Anguish of My Soul”

 

It has literally been forever since I have written a blog entry. Life with a very active 14 month old leaves little time to do much of anything. I want to update you all on our sweet Dani Marie.

She is into EVERYTHING. She is walking a few steps at a time, and Oh me! Sister loves to talk. She is so chatty! Her first phrase, (proud softball coach moment) was said as we threw a ball to her. She held it up and plain as day said, “I got it!” She now has four of the most precious little teeth, and she knows how to use them. So much has changed over the past few months, but one thing is still the same. She smiles all the time. She never meets a stranger.

Now, we have had to introduce her to , “No, No”. I know, I know, it broke our hearts. She still has that stubborn streak we first saw in the NICU. She means to do what she wants to do. We have to tell her, “No, No” when she is pulling down curtains, trying to eat spiders (long story), throwing things at people, and investigating plug-ins. She puts her head down flat on the floor and proceeds to develop the sweetest crocodile tears. She knows how to work it. This girl is so stubborn. She knows what it means now to give a “kissy”. She refuses to give you one when you ask. We beg her all day for a kiss. She refuses. When we finally give up and leave it alone, she will plant one on us at the most random moments.

Now, for the meat of this blog entry and what God laid on my heart to share. I have been guilty lately of having a big fat pity party for myself. Life has just handed me a few lemons lately, and it has been easy to slide off of the mountain top. I have let my heart stray from the goodness of God and linger on the faulty flesh of people. He has reminded me this week that my faith should always rest in His mercy and not on human flesh. That’s a a tough pill to swallow at times.

Dani Marie continues to be my ever present reminder of not only what God has given me but of Who God is. Last week, I sat on the couch and I just started crying. It had been a busy, hectic day. My feelings were hurt. I sat down on the couch and I started to cry. Dani looked up at me with those crystal eyes almost confused. I told her, “ Dani Marie, Mommy is fine. It’s fine.” I know she doesn’t understand what fine means, but she knows exactly what tears mean. She crawled over to me, patted my leg, and said, “No, No”. I scooped her up, and prayed out loud a prayer of forgiveness. I asked God to forgive me for letting the weight of everyday life get to me. I of all people should know that God is powerful and faithful. I went to my computer and read Chapter 1 and 2 of the blog. It was a wonderful reminder of what I have to be thankful for. I thought back to those not so long ago nights that I cried out when my soul was in anguish. God took care of that, and Dani Marie was exactly right, “No, No”. No tears, no sorrow, no worries, they don’t belong in the heart or on the face of a child of the King.

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

 

God’s ways are not the world’s ways.

My prayer this week is a simple one. I pray that God helps me to say, “No, No” to the worries of this world. My song of worship to him is,

Take my heart Lord, take and seal it,

Seal it for thy courts above!

If you are being weighed down by the earthly things this week, I pray for you. Let’s give it to God. My challenge to you and myself is to…the moment worry, fear, or doubt creep into your mind and heart, simply shake your head and say, “No,No”. There is no room for those things here.

I love y’all!

 

P.S. Happy 4^th of July tomorrow! Be safe! God Bless America!!!!

Chapter 29 : Dancing and Dedication

Chapter 29 “ Dancing and Dedication”

Hey there!!!! Time is passing so quickly these days! It’s hard to believe I only have two weeks until summer vacation! I have so many things planned for little lady this summer. Swimming lessons, 1^st airplane ride, beach vacations, movie dates, etc. We can’t wait!

I have to tell y’all Dani Marie loves to dance! She has music flowing through her veins! I guess it may be a good thing that she didn’t have any chance of inheriting my lack of musical talent. She loves to dance and sing! Look out world; she may be the next American Idol. We love to laugh at her dancing. She “throws her hands in the air, and waves them like she just don’t care” on command. It is so precious.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. It is also child dedication at Gaston. This day is one that I longed for, hoped for, and then hurt for on so many occasions. I said for years that having child dedication on Mother’s Day almost seemed like salt in an open wound for a barren woman. I still pray for the people that hurt for so many reasons on this day, the ones who have lost mothers or babies. I know that God will give them the strength they need to make it through. I also hope that many people tomorrow will find hope and healing in Dani Marie’s story. She is our living proof that God’s plan far surpasses anything we could dream up.

I begged and pleaded with God for so many years to help our fertility treatments work. I cried out to him to heal my body. It never occurred to me to simply ask for His will. His will was to fix not my broken body, but my broken heart. He wanted to send me the most perfect little girl.

Tomorrow my husband and I will stand before our church and family. We will dedicate our Dani Marie to the Lord. We will pledge to give her back to him. I am so humbled at the thought of this. God handpicked her for us. He sent us the biggest heart in the tiniest of bodies. As I picked out pictures for the slideshow I looked back at the very first images of our hero. Her body was beyond tiny. Her ribs were so visible, tubes were everywhere, her skin was transparent, her lungs unable to function without machines, but she had those same eyes, the ones that she still has. Even when her body was tiny and frail her spirit was strong. She is perfect for us. God knew this. He knew exactly what we needed and He delivered her to us in His time. I am honored to dedicate her to the Lord. I hope so many things for her. I hope she always loves laughing. I hope she loves learning. I hope her friends will feel more like sisters. I hope she finds her prince without having to go through too many frogs. I hope she knows the joys of motherhood someday. I hope she always loves dancing.

Dani Marie,

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger

May you never take one single breath for granted

God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking

Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making
Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter

When you come close to selling out reconsider

Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

 I love this song. I hope so many things for my baby girl. I will dedicate her to God in the morning, because my greatest hope for her is to know His love, his perfect love. He used her to remind me how perfectly, graciously, and faithfully he loves his children. More than anything, I hope she has a heart for Jesus.

Happy Mother’s Day to my mother~ and to Dani Marie’s birth mother. You two ladies have blessed me beyond measure. You two ladies have made the biggest impact on my life.

I love y’all,

Ashlee

 

P.S. I have found the best mascara! We all know I needed a great waterproof mascara with all the crying I do these days! Avon Super Shock waterproof! It’s the bomb!!! ( No I don’t sell Avon, it's a free plug.  )

Chapter 28-The time of our lives

Chapter 28 “The time of our lives”

 

                Well yesterday our precious Dani Marie turned 1 !!! Can you believe that? A year has flown by so quickly. We soaked every moment of her birthday up! Papa, Dani, and I enjoyed the morning at the circus. It was so much fun to watch her bright blue eyes light up and see her giggle . I thought about this time last year all day. It wasn’t even until 11:00 pm I knew my angel had arrived in the world, and it wasn’t until April 13^th the next morning when I found out she was really ours.

 

                Some every day events are hard for me to recall. I can’t even remember what I wore two days ago or where I put my keys, but that day….that phone call, the message…. I remember every detail a year later just like it happened yesterday.

                I was so tired, literally exhausted not just from being up all night praying, but from months and years of hoping without seeing, of loss, of empty arms. I had prayed all night that somehow the birth parents would choose us. My heart wanted to hope, it wanted to believe, but parts of it just couldn’t. I had decided a few months prior that I just wasn’t meant to be a mother. I was face down on my bathroom floor and crying to God in anger for turning his back on me. I still get chills when I think of that night I gave up on God. It was December, I cried from failed fertility attempts, I cried from exhaustion, and I quoted scripture back to God as if He hadn’t written it. “Ask and it shall be given unto you.” “Seek and ye will find” “”The desires of my heart?” I had clung to these very verses for years. I decided that night that God would not make me mother, and so I told him in the most hateful, cruel, selfish way to quit hurting me. “Just stop, just take it away… Take away my desire to be a mother! If you bring me home to a childless house every night, then take it away from my heart!!! Harden my heart; I don’t want to hurt anymore.” My heart breaks now, because I know at that very moment when I was trying to throw in the towel, Dani Marie had already been conceived. God knew I needed to just hold on a little longer.

Fast forward….

                So all night, I prayed that the tiny baby fighting for her precious life would become mine, but part of my heart had become hardened. Even though I prayed and I hoped, parts of me never really believed it could happen. I did what I had become good at doing. I prepared for the worst. I had learned that when you want, and you hope, that is when it hurts the most. I thought I had learned to outsmart pain. You see, if I never let my heart truly think it could be, well then when it didn’t work out, I would be able to handle it.

                April 13^th, I drove to work. I didn’t wear makeup, because I knew that when I heard it didn’t work out yet again, I would tear up. I prayed for God to help my heart to understand that the other family that was chosen had hurt like we hurt. They wanted a baby as badly as we did. I asked God to help me find a way to be happy for them.

                There I went again, telling God how to handle my heart……Silly me!

                At about 10:30 that morning as I stood in the hall with my friends, my world changed forever. It’s amazing that one simple text message can change your life, but that’s exactly what happened. It took just a second for everything to process. “Come meet my daughter??!!????” Those beautiful, sweet words I had long given up on…..My daughter!!!! Every wall I had built around my heart suddenly crashed down. I’m so glad my God didn’t give up on me, when I tried to give up on Him.

                Today, a year later….I’m preparing for a ladybug themed birthday party. She has the perfect monogrammed outfit, tons of decorations, an elaborate cake, and too many presents. As hectic as this morning is preparing for the special event, I never let myself get to busy to slow down, stop, and reflect on what she has given us. She has brought us a lifetime of joy in 12 short months.

                Pics of party………Very soon!!!

Love y’all!