Chapter 28 “The time of our lives”
Well yesterday our precious Dani
Marie turned 1 !!! Can you believe that? A year has flown by so quickly. We
soaked every moment of her birthday up! Papa, Dani, and I enjoyed the morning
at the circus. It was so much fun to watch her bright blue eyes light up and
see her giggle . I thought about this time last year all day. It wasn’t even
until 11:00 pm I knew my angel had arrived in the world, and it wasn’t until
April 13th the next morning when I found out she was really ours.
Some
every day events are hard for me to recall. I can’t even remember what I wore
two days ago or where I put my keys, but that day….that phone call, the message…. I remember
every detail a year later just like it happened yesterday.
I was
so tired, literally exhausted not just from being up all night praying, but
from months and years of hoping without seeing, of loss, of empty arms. I had
prayed all night that somehow the birth parents would choose us. My heart
wanted to hope, it wanted to believe, but parts of it just couldn’t. I had
decided a few months prior that I just wasn’t meant to be a mother. I was face
down on my bathroom floor and crying to God in anger for turning his back on
me. I still get chills when I think of that night I gave up on God. It was
December, I cried from failed fertility attempts, I cried from exhaustion, and
I quoted scripture back to God as if He hadn’t written it. “Ask and it shall be
given unto you.” “Seek and ye will find” “”The desires of my heart?” I had
clung to these very verses for years. I decided that night that God would not
make me mother, and so I told him in the most hateful, cruel, selfish way to quit
hurting me. “Just stop, just take it away… Take away my desire to be a mother!
If you bring me home to a childless house every night, then take it away from
my heart!!! Harden my heart; I don’t want to hurt anymore.” My heart breaks
now, because I know at that very moment when I was trying to throw in the
towel, Dani Marie had already been conceived. God knew I needed to just hold on
a little longer.
Fast forward….
So all
night, I prayed that the tiny baby fighting for her precious life would become
mine, but part of my heart had become hardened. Even though I prayed and I
hoped, parts of me never really believed it could happen. I did what I had
become good at doing. I prepared for the worst. I had learned that when you
want, and you hope, that is when it hurts the most. I thought I had learned to
outsmart pain. You see, if I never let my heart truly think it could be, well
then when it didn’t work out, I would be able to handle it.
April
13th, I drove to work. I didn’t wear makeup, because I knew that
when I heard it didn’t work out yet again, I would tear up. I prayed for God to
help my heart to understand that the other family that was chosen had hurt like
we hurt. They wanted a baby as badly as we did. I asked God to help me find a
way to be happy for them.
There I
went again, telling God how to handle my heart……Silly me!
At
about 10:30 that morning as I stood in the hall with my friends, my world
changed forever. It’s amazing that one simple text message can change your
life, but that’s exactly what happened. It took just a second for everything to
process. “Come meet my daughter??!!????” Those beautiful, sweet words I had
long given up on…..My daughter!!!! Every wall I had built around my heart
suddenly crashed down. I’m so glad my God didn’t give up on me, when I tried to
give up on Him.
Today,
a year later….I’m preparing for a ladybug themed birthday party. She has the
perfect monogrammed outfit, tons of decorations, an elaborate cake, and too
many presents. As hectic as this morning is preparing for the special event, I
never let myself get to busy to slow down, stop, and reflect on what she has
given us. She has brought us a lifetime of joy in 12 short months.
Pics of
party………Very soon!!!
Love y’all!
