Chapter 36 "Beauty is...."

   Hello!!! I sure do miss getting to update y'all often! Life is very busy. We are potty training,(with some success!) taking dance lessons, and talking up a storm. We have had our hands full with moving into a new house and making it our own.

   I just finished a project this morning, and this blog was inspired by it. This blog is one of the most real and vulnerable ones I have written. You guessed it..... I am a blubbering mess. 

   For the past several months Dani has come into the bathroom and stood while I get ready. This all started about three months ago. I have never been one to wear much makeup or spend much time getting ready. I noticed she loved to watch me, so I started spending a little longer than usual getting ready. She would ask what each compact contained and what it was for. One morning as I was putting on one of the three makeup items I normally wear, she said the most special thing. I had just put a small "dime size" amount of clear moisturizer on my face. I noticed her watching and I could feel her grinning. I turned and looked and then she said it. "Mommy, you are my beautiful mommy. You such a pretty mommy." Her blues eyes were just sparkling as she said those precious words. She didn't realize that the clear moisturizer had not perfected my skin tone or brightened my eyes. It had done nothing to change the size or shape of my face. It was just to keep my skin from drying. I looked in the mirror and I started to cry. It was not just the fact that she said those words, but I guess it was because I knew she meant them. 

   I have always said, " I am not a girly girl!" or "I don't like wearing much makeup or jewelry." I come from a family of beautiful ladies. My sister could pass for a supermodel. My mother's face still looks as glowing and beautiful as it did in her youth. I have spent my life making jokes or trying to be funny while masking the fact that I have never felt like I fit. My body is different, my nose is different, and if I am going to be honest I would have to say I have always felt like a bit of an ugly duckling. For years even my struggle with fertility made me feel less "womanly" than the other ladies in my life. I have never before now even mentioned that I have battled feelings of insecurity and low self esteem. 

   The easiest thing for me to do is laugh. It's never really been true that I don't like girly colors, sparkly jewelry, or makeup. The truth is I just always hoped people would think I had the potential to be beautiful, but never really put much emphasis or effort on it. 

   This plan of laughing about my weight struggle or lack of being "girly" has worked well for me on the surface my entire life. Then God sent me Dani. Danielle Marie is the picture of all things girl and sparkly. She loves hair bows, requests to wear jewelry, flips over nail polish, and owns more pink than Barbie! She is not satisfied with just her nails being done.... she insists on Mommy having pink ones, too. She has slowly made me more girly than I have ever been comfortable being. I will admit it was scary at first. What if everyone notices in a dress that I am not near as thin? What if because I wear makeup people see that my skin tone is far from perfect even with foundation? These are all silly things that haunted me for much of my life. 

   The words she said that day.... "You are my beautiful Mommy!" The way she lit up when she said it. The honesty in her face when she told me I was pretty, it melted me. I realized that she doesn't compare me to actresses, models, or even my own beautiful family members. She doesn't realize that none of her beautiful curls come from me or that those crystal eyes were given to her by someone else. She takes me as I am. She sees my freckles, flab, blemishes, frizzy hair, and she sees past it all. She looks at me in just moisturizer and sweats and she thinks I am beautiful. 

   The strangest part of it all is that she is changing how I see myself. I have quit trying to hide my body by refusing to look like I  care about my weight. I know that I will never be thin, but I am finally comfortable being at my best weight. It's amazing how just accepting that has helped transform my body and lifestyle. I have committed to weight watchers without fear of being compared to anyone. I have purchased some new makeup and taken the time to research the best shade for my eyes and skin tone. I even let my sweet hairstylist do more than "snip the ends". It is so ironic. I always was afraid to try and feel pretty, but letting go of those insecurities has actually made me much more comfortable being beautiful. Does that make any sense? ????

   I can't thank God enough for Dani. She has healed me in so many ways. She has made me laugh when life seemed hopeless. She has made me a much better person. She has made me confident and comfortable. I feel so honored. Most mothers are the ones who teach their daughters how to feel beautiful or confident. It has been my daughter,however, that has given me a makeover.... Inside and out. I hope I can return the favor one day. I hope that I can teach her to see past the surface of her own self. 

   Well...... I spent the morning making a former pool stick cabinet into a princess like vanity. I have to have somewhere for all this jewelry, makeup, and even shimmer lotion.;) I look forward to sitting in front of the mirror with Dani and applying our favorite pink lip glosses. 

Thankful for a princess of a daughter who is teaching me how to sparkle. :) 

Love you all! 

Chapter 35 Worth the Wait

Good morning!!

    Those of you who know me, know I am an early bird. I love to wake up early on Saturday mornings and have a list of "fun" stuff to do. This morning was no exception. Our agenda was set to kickoff at 7:00am. A wonderful Mommy/Dani day that was all planned out. We were going to eat breakfast, get an oil change, go shopping for dresses, look for new ballet shoes, stop by the mall and ride the carousel, get some pictures made, etc. You get the idea. Well, I woke up at 5:55am and got ready. I am super low maintenance, so by 6:15 I was ready to get started on the day. Dani, however, had other plans. It is now 8:33, and Dani is still sound asleep.

Two years ago, by this point I would be in a frantic tail-spin. I would be rethinking where we could make up time. I may have even broken down and woke her up. Instead of having a meltdown, I am just rocking in my recliner and writing this blog. I have learned so much about the important things. I owe that to Dani Marie. She has been well worth the wait from the very beginning. She has proven to me time and time again that she intends to take her sweet time. I have learned to say, so what? So what if we have to have a late brunch instead of a breakfast?  So what if we don't find a new dress today? So what if we have to wait inside Carlock playing and eating popcorn because we weren't first in line for the oil change? Life will go on. It does not have to go according to plan.
   I am a planner. I like to be in control of my schedule. I like to know who, what, where and when ahead of time. I am most comfortable when I have a detailed schedule and things go according to plans. The Lord knew that Dani was the opposite of me. She is laid back and never gets in a hurry. She loves to sleep in! Her perfect Saturday and mine don't fit the same mold. She is changing me. I am becoming more like her. She has given me a whole new perspective on what life is really all about.
   God knew what He was doing when he matched us up. I shiver to think what my life would now be like if my plans had not been altered. See my plans never led me to this girl. They took me in every other direction. God knew. He really did. I can't help but grin when I think of Jeremiah 29:11.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. "

   Dani is my hope. She is my future. Dani was never in my plan. She certainly didn't come on my schedule. She is perfect for me. A daily reminder that God's plan fits us perfectly. In fact, we were made to fit in it. I have been waiting for this precious girl my entire life, and I must say she is worth the wait.

Love you all!

Chapter 34 Love and Legacy

 
    I write mostly in this blog about the little lady who made me a parent. Dani Marie's story is the heart of this blog. I love sharing her journey, our memories, the Lord's latest workings in our lives with her, etc. Tonight I want to share a little about her grandparents. They are such an important part of her life and mine. They were praying for this tiny miracle long before she arrived.

  Dani Marie and I have wonderful bedtime talks. We "splish splash", read, review letters and sounds,(Can you say teacher mommy?) and pray at night. We like to take a few minutes and just chat. She is such a silly girl and will often make me laugh during these special times. As we say our prayers, I often ask her who she would like to thank Jesus for....The Lord has blessed Dani Marie with four wonderful grandparents to love her rotten. Her Nano and Pop always make her list when she is thanking Jesus. Granna and Papa are without fail some of the first to make the cut. It's so precious to hear her thank The Lord for the special people in our lives. Tonight after I tucked her in, I thought about just why I am so thankful for her Granna and Papa for my own reasons.
   My parents story is something a lot of people don't really know. I won't go into great detail because it's their story to tell. I will give you the general idea.
   My parents didn't have easy lives. My father has known more tragedy in his life that I think one person should have to bear. His father was killed in a shrimp-boat accident when he was a toddler. His mother was left to do the best she could. She had seven children and was not able to take care of all of them. My dad went to live with an aunt. He didn't grow up in the house with his mother or his siblings. His sister Ella Marie died as a child, his brother James Luke died after a fire from smoke inhalation, etc. The list goes on.
  My mom came from a family that didn't have much. She wasn't able to go to school, go to college, she worked as a full-time waitress at the age of fifteen to help support her younger sisters. A full-time waitress at fifteen??? I can't imagine that???
  Here they were just kids....kids who had been dealt a sorry hand. Kids who were young in age but mature beyond their years in life experience. They met, fell in love, and were married a few months later. That's right I said months.
   This all sounds like a recipe for disaster right???? Well......42 years later..... That couple of kids are the most wonderful Granna and Papa that Dani Marie could ask for. The best parents I could have ever hoped for. How? With the deck stacked against them they could have easily thrown in the towel. They could have blamed unstable homes, poverty, limited education, and negative circumstances and allowed those things to become a crutch. Instead they made a promise to God, each other, and themselves to thrive. They chose to feed the inner qualities of work ethic, willpower, loyalty, perseverance, and most of all selfless sacrifice to completely rewrite their story. My story... and now Dani Marie's story.... You see I'm living my dream. I'm a teacher. I'm a teacher because they were determined to sew in the furniture factory until fingers bled, to work long hours as a grocery store manager, to cook biscuits at Hardee's, to work night shift so that I could have the wings to follow my dream. I knew I would go to college. I always knew.
  I guess like most children it took me becoming an adult....more specifically a parent to truly understand and comprehend the level of sacrifice they made for me. I can now fully appreciate the life they gave me...the life they gave us.
   So as I turn out the light tonight and shut the door with tears in my eyes, I whisper a thank you Jesus for Granna and Papa of my own. For Everything....

Thank you Jesus for Granna
Prays my baby girl
Thank you for Papa
He's the best in the world!
Her tender words so honest and true.
If all the things they did for her she only knew.
I give her a hug and squeeze her tight.
I kiss her softly and turn out the light.
I'm proud that she adores and loves them so,
But she just doesn't know...
Before they were the best Granna and Papa in the world,
They were the greatest Mom and Dad to another little girl.

Tonight I'm so thankful for good parents. The kind I had. The kind I hope to be.

Love y'all

Chapter 33 You Loved Her First

So it's 2:45 in the morning on Mother's Day. I can't sleep. This day is so special to me, but it reminds me of Dani's selfless birthmother even more than most days. I have so much I want to say to her, so I write.....I know she won't ever see this or maybe someday she will somehow, but it's more therapy I guess.

Dear Beautiful,
      Happy Mother's Day to you....wherever you are. I don't know what you are doing, where you live, or where you work. I know hardly anything about you, but then again I know you more than anyone. I talk to God about you so often. I pray for you as much as I pray for myself. I find myself wanting to share things with you so often. I wish we were tiny people in a snow globe and you could look in on us sometimes. Is that silly? I just want you to see. I know you would be proud of our baby. She fills my heart with laughter. I hope you would be proud of me, too. I question that sometimes.I have had to make some hard decisions, and I could have really used your help. Dani and I talk about you so much. We read a story about a Mommy fox and a baby fox many nights. The baby fox is adopted, and he asks questions about his birthmother. I always stop and tell her that she has your eyes. She does! She has the biggest, bluest, beautiful eyes...well, just look in the mirror. You see your eyes, those..she has those same eyes.
  I know you miss her today. I am sure you miss her everyday. Maybe some birthmothers choose adoption and never look back, but no...not you.You loved her first. I saw it in your eyes. I read it on your face. When I hugged you, I felt it in the way your tiny, frail body shook. I am sure you have so many questions. I guess that is why I am writing this. I feel like after everything you have given me I should be able to give you answers.
Is she healthy?
  She is doing so well! She never slowed down. She finally started growing and she has yet to stop. She loves to eat vegetables!  Fruit is her favorite! Now, don't get me wrong sister loves a french fry, too!
What does she look like?
  This is where I could tell you to just look in the mirror. She has your face, your eyes, and her hair is thin like yours. It is blonde and bouncy. Her curls are precious!
Her personality?
  She is a mess! She definitely dances to her own tune. She loves to laugh. She giggles and smiles all the time. She enjoys making people laugh. She loves attention. She kinda thinks the world revolves around her. ( that is her grandparents fault...well maybe I am a tiny bit to blame, too. ) She loves to dance, swim, and play with puppies. Who am I kidding...she loves everything and everyone. I think she has your heart. She worries about others. She is such a good mommy to her baby dolls.
  What else? What else do you think about? Do you question your decision? I hope not. I only talked to you once. Our conversation was short, but long enough for me to see your concerns and desires. I have tried to teach her the things we both wanted her to know. I hug her and kiss her extra for you each night. I know it isn't the same, but I hope it comforts you. I pray that God gives you peace and comfort. I ask Him to rain blessings down upon you.
  I hope you finish school. I hope you find a wonderful job. I would love for you to marry a prince....but wait a while. When you finally do settle down, I pray you have more babies. I may be partial, but you have the cutest genes. :)
Oh yea, remember when I told you I hoped we would all three be sisters in Christ? I pray most for your salvation. I know life has been hard for you. I know you have struggled. I hope you saw that God can take sin, and He can bring something amazing out of a poor situation. That is God. He has this amazing way of working ALL things together for good. I hope you have found him. I know that if you do, if you have...then I will see you again one day. I will be able to tell you face to face about our daughter. I hope to tell you how smart she was, how beautiful she looked on her wedding day, where she went to college, that she gave me the most beautiful grandbabies....I long for that moment. The moment I see you again. See, the last time I saw you I hugged you and I told you I had so much to say...but the only words that would come out were , "Thank you". I guess not much has changed. If I were to see you in Heaven, and oh I hope I do...I will probably be a blubbering mess once again and barely be able to get any words out. I will still just Thank you.
Thank you precious, beautiful girl. Thank you for loving her first. Thank you for loving her enough to choose life. I know it was not easy. I know you were afraid. I am so proud of you. Today on Mother's Day if you question yourself or your choices...if you feel like you miss her more than you can bear...just be still. I have prayed that God will gently whisper my Thank you to your heart. Remember sweet girl, Giving birth doesn't make someone a mother, and placing a baby for adoption doesn't make someone less of one.
Happy Mother's day to the Mother who gave Dani life
from the mother who gets to watch her live it.

Chapter 32: Making Lemonade

Chapter 32 : Making Lemonade

   It has officially been forever and a day since I have written a blog entry. I have tons to update you on.


First:  Turning 2 !!!!

Can you believe that  Dani Marie turned 2 years old? It blows my mind! People always say that kids grow so fast, in the blink of an eye, etc. I never believed it or paid much attention to it until now! It's the truth. I feel like just yesterday we were bringing her home from the NICU. We celebrated with an Elmo party. It was a blast! Elmo made an appearance! She loved him and hugged on him all day.

Dance Class

It's no secret that I'm not much of a dancer. The Lord blessed our baby girl with other musical genes. She loves to entertain!!! She constantly sings and dances. We have to literally hold her down to remove her tap shoes every week after dance class. She takes lessons at Tip Toe Dance Studio. Her teachers are always laughing and talking about the things she does in class. I'm so proud she has found something she loves.

Attitude

Remember all the blogs about how she was such a little fighter? She was determined to prove the doctors wrong? She was dead-set on excelling as a preemie? Well.....that little stubborn streak did not go ANYWHERE!
This girl is going to be the death of me. She does not take kindly to being told "No". Our current battle is potty training.

I bought a package of super cute Elmo panties. After much research and consulting with other mothers, I attempted to motivate Dani.......

"Dani, do you see Elmo on these big girl panties? We don't want to tinkle on these, because that would be like Elmo was crying. Elmo doesn't need to cry."

To which she responds....

"Oh, no! Elmo sad. Elmo, it's ok!!!"

And goes on playing

So, I purchase an Elmo Potty doll. It's all fancy and talks. Elmo says, "Can you help me get to the potty?" He has a miniature potty.
I showed Dani the doll and the play potty. I modeled helping Elmo to use the potty. I showed Dani where her potty was.

Two days later.....
Dani is playing with the Elmo doll. He asked to go to the potty. She runs to the back of the house, and by the time I get to the bathroom she has Elmo fully submerged in her training potty.
She looks up at me with those big blue eyes and says....
"It's ok, Melmo. Him had to potty. Him has Dani's potty."

Well, I guess we will keep working on this. To be continued......

There have been lots of changes in our lives over the past several months. I guess you could say Dani and I have been handed a few sour lemons. I have learned so much about life, myself, and God recently. There are some things in this world that we can be certain of. One of those things is disappointment. This world is full of sin. That's just a cold hard fact. It's the world we live in. There is no way around it, but there is protection from it. People must daily guard their hearts against the devil, and if they fail to do that he will gain a foothold. I have seen it happen to people I love dearly.
I have also learned what true strength is. I spent twenty-nine years believing that being tough was being strong. The Lord has certainly changed that way of thinking recently. I see now that sometimes the strongest thing you can do is forgive. The most powerful attribute a person can have is a forgiving heart. When people hurt you, it's easy to hurt back. The human thing to do is fight back.
Holding on to hurt and anger creates bitterness and steals joy. I have learned to ask God to give me strength....the strength to forgive. The strength to love unconditionally, and He has. He continues to give me strength in daily doses.

The saying goes....When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  It's silly I guess, but when I have a rough day or when life seems hard, when my human nature tries to grab hold of my heart, I take a minute and have a big glass of lemonade. I actually purchased Minute Maid Lemonade. It's just a literal reminder that God can truly use ALL things, even the hurtful ones, to bring Him glory. I'm so thankful for Dani Marie. I'm thankful that she only came to me through years of struggle and pain. I used to read about how sometimes the struggles and trials are actually a big part of God's blessings. I will always believe that because of the pain and journey to become a mother I am now able to truly appreciate and soak up every moment of my precious miracle. I can honestly say that I see infertility as a blessing. It was a vessel through which God delivered my life's greatest gift.
I'm also now thankful even more so for that time of waiting. It showed me that God's greatness is shown best through weakness. He tells us in his Word, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
I'm certainly no expert, and I have hard days. Days where I question and want to scream, but all those lemons have made me who I am. I know that God uses each one to continually work on me. He is showing me that He is far from finished with me. I have seen so intimately that it is in the darkest moments, when human flesh hurts us that we can rest in his power. He means what He says. His grace is sufficient for me and for you. I tell my students that sometimes we use big fancy words for simple meanings. Sufficient simply means just what we need. It's just exactly what we need. If we were always on the mountain top, if we never felt betrayal or hurt, if we were given what we longed for right when we wanted it, sure we would seem happy. There is a difference in being happy and having joy. I will take joy any day. Happiness and pleasure come from the outside world, but joy comes from Jesus. It comes in the storm. In the heart of the struggles, when you finally find the strength to lift your head.... that's when we find true Joy;  joy that comes in resting in the power and grace of our King.
We could simply see the lemons as just that.... sour lemons.
Or we can enjoy lemonade while we rest in the comfort of His faithfulness.
And what's better than a cold glass of good ol' lemonade this time of year?
Love you all!


Here is a picture of the tiny miracle.....who isn't so tiny anymore!!!