Chapter 51: Really Wish Them a Merry Christmas

       How is it already the most wonderful time of year again? It's been a while since I have updated or written. We have been busy with 1st grade. Can you believe that? Our girl is loving art lessons, science experiments, making "how to" videos, gymnastics, dinosaurs and all things unicorn. To say the least, our schedules and hearts are incredibly full.

     I'm doing some early morning cleaning while the rest of the house is asleep. Often this time turns into deep thinking and long talks with the Lord. Dani Marie hasn't been feeling well lately, and we have really worried about her being such a picky eater. She doesn't have much of an appetite and a very short list of approved foods. She definitely doesn't share our genes on that one. Well, I started praying and thinking about how to get her to try more foods. This turned into a full out on the floor, on my knees, in tears situation pretty quickly. That line of thoughts led to me thinking about how tiny Dani Marie's birthmother was. She had a petite frame with the palest complexion. I know she was sick and her body was recovering from the traumatic events leading up to Dani Marie's arrival. She had just delivered a baby way too early with absolutely no prenatal care. Her organs and entire body had taken a toll from a hidden pregnancy and the stress that surrounded her circumstances. Her eyes had dark circles which stood out more so because of her fair skin. They were beautiful, absolutely beautiful. They were the most beautiful mix of Caribbean blue with a touch of stormy grey. I'd never seen eyes quite that color at the time, but now I see them daily. Even though her eyes were beautiful, they were tired and weak. The crystal blue was a stark contrast to the black circles underneath them. When Dani Marie's allergies flare up or she isn't feeling well, it's an automatic flashback for me. This morning, as I was praying about Dani Marie needing to eat a little more and try some new foods, my heart was overwhelmed.
     I thought back to her mother. I can't tell you how many times I have replayed our only meeting. I guess by now, it's in the thousands. All the things I wish I had said, I should have said, always come to mind. Today is different. This time, I realized that somewhere right now she is still that same person. While I don't know where, who, or how..God does. I thought about this Christmas season and how it lends itself to witnessing to people more than any other time of the year. The secular world stops and celebrates our precious Christian holiday. We, as Christians, know the entire story. We know that Jesus didn't stay in the manger, and we also know why He couldn't. How many times this season already have I run in a store without speaking a word? I have been in a rush to pick up food for a Christmas party, accessories for a Christmas outfit, a gift that was on sale, and so much more. How many people have I passed? People eager and willing to engage in conversations about spiritual matters simply because it's Christmas time.
     The reality is that Dani Marie is so much ours. She is like me in so many ways, but then at the same time I see things that I know were ingrained in her from somewhere else. My mother tells me often a child couldn't be more like their mother than Dani Marie is me. She has the same silly sense of humor, adores her daddy just like I do, laughs from way down deep, cares about others almost to a fault, wears her heart on her sleeve and loves Jesus so very much. Still, we honor and are ever thankful for the legacy of who it was that helped God get her to us and gave her those stunning features and certain traits. I realized for the first time that Dani Marie's birthmother is just a version of Dani Marie all grown up. We teach Dani Marie about Jesus, thanks to EBBC Awana she knows as much if not more scripture than I do. She has been brought up already understanding the importance of our Savior and His love. She already has the tools to know where to turn when things get tough. She already has a foundation on which to build a life of knowing God. That gives us hope for her to face the world. I don't think her birthmother had this. In fact, I'm pretty certain she didn't So does that mean that she is a lost cause? That she will never understand that God's grace allows us to lay any and every burden, even the self inflicted ones, at His feet? At times, when I have reflected over our meeting that's how I felt. I felt responsible for not saying enough. I told her that I wanted the three of us to be sisters in Christ someday, but that's all. I left it at that. I didn't tell her how or what that really meant. I told her she had renewed my faith in a God that works ALL things for good, but I never offered her an opportunity to accept Him then and there, I thanked her. That is all. For years I have carried a guilt and regret that I didn't do or say more. This precious and beautiful girl gave me the greatest gift of my lifetime, and I have always felt as if I failed her that day. I want eternal salvation for her with all my heart, but I have feared I didn't do more to guide her that way when we met. God absolutely overwhelmed my heart this morning. For the very first time in all these years, I realized it isn't over. She is no longer a girl, but now she is a woman. She is older and hopefully her heart has healed somewhat. Maybe she still remembers our meeting, or maybe she has long since forgot the words we exchanged. I don't know. I do know that I have read in sermon notes that sometimes it can take seven times of hearing the gospel for someone to really receive it. Where this statistic came from, I really don't know. I have held on to it though. The message said something along the lines of, "Don't take it personal if you witness to someone and they don't receive Christ that day. God may have just planted the seed that day. The next time they hear the gospel may be like watering the seed. The next time a little more tending to the garden, and then a little more. Eventually, that seed that was planted will be ready and produce. That person may later accept the Lord. You don't know. You don't know whether you are the first to plant, the first to water, the first to weed, etc." I don't know if that was the first time Dani Marie's birthmother heard someone speak about God's goodness, and I don't know how many times she has heard it since. What if she needs to hear it just once more? What if the very next time is the 7th time? That fills me with so much hope. That's why I need to ask you for a favor! Yes, you!
     As you are going about the hustle and bustle of the most wonderful season of the year, will you be mindful of those you cross paths with? I'm going to challenge myself to slow down and use each opportunity I see to share the joy of Christmas. It might be a quick chat in the checkout line about an upcoming Christmas musical at a local church that ends with an invite. It could be simply asking someone sitting next to you while waiting for a table about their favorite Christmas tradition and then sharing yours, or it could be as simple as holding a door for someone with a big smile and really wishing them a "Merry Christmas!" Today, this very day, maybe one of you will bump into a young lady tired from working long hours who is carrying the weight of the world. Maybe you will both be grabbing coffee in the quick hustle and bustle of one of the season's last shopping days, maybe she is Dani Marie's birthmother. Our hero, who gave us our baby girl, would you really wish that girl a Merry Christmas?  Maybe you will go to pay at a local fast food restaurant and who knows maybe she even messed up your order, but could you still dig down and really wish her a Merry Christmas?
For the first time this morning, I realize that her salvation is not my task alone. While I have prayed for it every single day for the last seven years and will continue to for the rest of my life, it's not my sole responsibility. It didn't have to happen in that single conversation we had. It could happen today. It could happen because a complete stranger simply really wished her a Merry Christmas, and just maybe that stranger will be you. I have promised myself and the Lord this morning that I would slow down and be mindful of every opportunity this Christmas to share the greatest story ever told. Dani Marie's story is one of my favorites. There is a story even greater, and it's because of the Christmas story that we have the opportunity to be living Dani Marie's story this very day.
     Thank you in advance for loving on the people around you this Christmas. All of them....The ones you know and love and even the ones you don't. It's amazing what God can do when we are willing to notice His people we meet and take the time to really wish them a Merry Christmas!
I love y'all!
Ashlee

Chapter 50: Long Lines and Life Lessons

Hey y'all!!!! I'm currently typing this from the comfort of my cozy bed. Why am I in the bed at 6:00? Well, I might as well get to today's blog topic.


If you have seen the news, your newsfeed, or social media today then you know all about the "Pay Your Age" sale that Build a Bear attempted. Within an hour of store openings across the country, police were shutting down some stores. Lines were several hour waits even before the doors opened. Madness right? Well, I guess it's a matter of perspective.

Dani Marie and I had planned a Mommy/Dani Day as we call them. We heard about the "Pay Your Age" sale, and we both love a good bargain. Dani Marie has several of these "stuff your own" animals, but her eye has been on a unicorn for a while. They usually run about $30 bucks or so. We decided we'd head out and take advantage of the sale. We arrived at the mall at 9:15 this morning........

The line was already out the doors of the mall and backed up onto the sidewalk. Wow??!!! I expected a line, but nothing like this. The sun is scorching down already. It's Mississippi in July, need I say more? I immediately offered to take her back home to swim and us come back another day. She told me she didn't mind waiting and would find a shaded spot. She stood in the shadow of a nearby tree and played with two little boys. She ran and laughed and giggled. In about half an hour, we moved inside the doors. Wow!!! The line was so long! It was wrapped around into the food court, and that is where we took our spot. I realized at this point that we were looking at what I estimated (wrong) was a two hour wait. I offered her once again the opportunity to leave and return, even assuring her we could pay full price for the unicorn. She smiled and told me that she really wanted to be able to pay her age. She said the unicorn was meant to go home with her and she didn't want it to have to go home with another family if she left. I laughed at her logic and agreed to stick it out.

A little after 11:00, I realized the line was moving much slower than I thought. We were looking at several more hours. I explained this to her. I told her we would wait, but it would be a very long time. She didn't mind a bit. She hugged me tight and held my hand. She told me she was having so much fun! I realized then that she wanted the unicorn, but she was also enjoying the experience of waiting for it. She laughed and giggled and played. She met a couple kids who taught her to play UNO at a table in the food court. She stood at the window of the arcade and cheered for people inside winning tickets. I ordered her a lunch plate as we passed a little food spot. She met a little boy whose mom was trying to make it until they got home to eat, in order to avoid spending more money. Dani Marie, without hesitation, split her meal with him. They laughed and became close friends over their hour long lunch. The line was slowly moving. My feet were killing me, I had worn flip flops and not very supportive ones at that. I didn't realize what we were committing to when we got in the line. I couldn't complain though, I didn't want to rain on her parade. I started to prepare her that the unicorns might be sold out by the time we reached the store. She told me not to worry, she would be happy with whatever she got. She met another group of kids and started playing paper, rock, scissors, with them. They laughed and had the best time. She hugged me so many times today.

While she was playing I met a precious custodian at the food court. Her hours had been cut previously but today instead of getting off at 2:00, they asked her to stay until 3:00 because of the crowds. I met a fellow teacher and her two boys. We covered for each other in line during potty breaks. We laughed and talked for hours like old friends. Dani Marie got gummy bears from the yogurt stand and even though gummy bears are her favorite, she only ate one. I asked her why? She told me she gave them away to a "new best friend" who said he liked them, too. We met up with some friends from home and waited with them to enter the store as a group. They were allowing one group in at a time. Finally, after 7 HOURS we made it to the front of the store. Dani Marie immediately started talking to the worker and they ended up realizing after a short conversation that they both have to wear an eye patch at night. She complimented Dani Marie on her sparkly purple glasses, and she told her they have some in the store for the animals. She knew Dani Marie had her eye on a unicorn. There were only a couple of the ones she wanted left in the bin. The worker went and got the one Dani Marie wanted and personally handed it to her. Dani hugged her so tight and smiled at me. We checked out "Stardust" and left the store. I leaned down and asked Dani Marie if it was worth it?

"Well, what do you think? Was it worth the wait?"

She smiled so big and said, "You bet! This girl was worth the wait! She gets to come home with us now!"

We loaded up and headed home. My feet hurt so bad. I was tired. I was sore, but somehow I was so grateful. I thought about how easy it would have been to be ill or upset. I thought about how I could have told her it was a huge waste of time. Some of the posts online have called us crazy or stupid for waiting, and I guess maybe to some we are. I didn't want to wait. This is just the kind of thing that only a parent would do. I'm so thankful that I have someone to stand in that line for. It made me think back to our journey into parenthood and the almost 7 years we spent waiting. Would we be one of the ones who walked away with arms full or empty? Should we throw in the towel and turn away? The moment I laid eyes on Dani Marie and realized she was mine to keep and take home, my soul rejoiced. I learned a lesson from Dani Marie today. In her waiting, she never complained. She didn't worry they might run out or she wouldn't get exactly what she wanted. She was willing to put in the time and wait, even with no guarantee that she would walk away with what she came for. She was patient. She was kind during her waiting. She didn't watch other girls walk out with unicorns and get bitter or jealous. She always smiled. She was genuinely happy for others. She got her unicorn. She will value it above the rest, because some of its value comes from the wait. I asked her when we walked in the house tonight what her favorite part of today was. She told me it would have to be making so many friends.

Build a Bear's headline in the news said, "Pay Your Age event so successful it failed" and chronicled the negative aspect of many upset customers having to wait hours or be turned away. After standing in the longest line of my life, I'd have to disagree. For us today was a huge success. We met new people. We took the time, because we had plenty of it to pass, to get to know others who we might have only passed by on other days. My daughter, who I worry about because she is an only child and tends to "get" lots of things, trips, and experiences displayed kindness and patience beyond her years. I was reminded how fortunate I am to have someone to stand in line for. I think all that makes for a pretty successful day.

Would I do it all again? Absolutely! It wasn't that all that time was worth it "to save $20", but the day spent with Dani Marie was priceless. I'd do it again tomorrow to feel the way I feel right now, overwhelmed with thankfulness. I can't lie though, I'd wear some better shoes. :)

Chapter 49- "Now, Let's Go Home"

Hey everybody! I hope y'all have had an excellent spring break. I know most of you just had a regular work week, but maybe the teachers and students enjoyed the week off! This blog has been in the works for a while. I just couldn't find the courage to share it. Believe it or not, every single blog makes me a little nervous. Sometimes more than a little I guess. I'm (or at least I used to be) a pretty private person by nature. I made a promise to God a while back that I would be transparent enough to give Him all the glory for Dani Marie's story. It's easy to share the highlights, but the insecurities that come along with it, well that takes a little more "dying to myself" and just sharing our hearts. Here you go...


Flashback to November....

Dani Marie's adoption is closed. What does that mean? Well, it means we don't have contact with her birthparents. Not that we don't talk about them, it's not that we don't celebrate them, it's just that we don't really know them personally. Whose decision was this? Well, all of ours really. Mainly though, it was her birthmother's decision. You see, at that point I would have given a kidney, much less agreed to any terms needed to be a mother. I get it. I mean I understand why she wanted it this way. I know all kinds of adoptive families. The thing about adoption, not just adoption parenthood in general I guess, is you have to find what works for your children and your family. I've seen open adoptions be the perfect fit for some families. For Dani Marie's birthmother, closed just worked best. She explained her reasons to me that one time we met. It was like everything she did for our girl, out of love. She told me that it would be too hard for her to see ongoing pictures from birthdays, school events, etc. The thing was, she loved Dani Marie so much. She wanted so desperately to be a part of her life, but her wants.. those came second to Dani Marie's needs. She knew for Dani Marie to have the best shot at this life, she needed us. Financially, spiritually, she needed to be placed with us. I can't imagine what that felt like for her. I do know that she made all her decisions with our baby girl's best interest at heart. She told me that day that she wouldn't cry, she'd already cried all her tears. She told me she wanted that to be the happiest day of my life. And it was.... She explained her decision. One made with a maturity well beyond her years. Her decision was that the first time we saw our baby, would be her last time. She needed to see that she was loved and leave it there. I can only speculate about the other reasons why. I have a million times...played those first moments back in my mind. I think she was breaking her own heart. She couldn't see pictures of a life she wasn't part of, for her I don't think she could even play just a supporting role in Dani Marie's life. I think it would have been too difficult for her, because she loved her so much. I think she did all that she could, she gave Dani Marie absolutely the best shot she could. She hand-selected a family that she felt could provide for her needs and wants in a way that she couldn't. I can't imagine. I can't comprehend her sacrificial heart.

So, what does that mean? That means that Dani Marie understands she is adopted. She knows that makes her special. She knows she grew in her birthmother's tummy. We have told her this story since she was small enough to fit in our hand. As she is getting older though, she understands it more. That means sometimes the questions are deeper than they were three years ago or even two. She has always been intrigued by the fact that she has her birthmother's eyes. She loves to ask about how we felt when we first found out we were getting her. She asks often to look back at the pictures of our "pinked out" yard the day the adoption was official, compliments of sweet Aunt Am. Those stories have always brought smiles and excitement to relive. A few months ago, a more difficult set of questions brought other emotions.

Dani Marie is at the age where lots of her friends are having little brothers and sisters. She understands that her mom isn't able to carry a baby. I guess, her little mind had been trying to think of a loophole. One night when we were riding in the car she asked a new question.

"Mom, listen. I been thinking maybe birthmother could have another baby. Maybe, she could have a brother or sister for me. I mean, if she has a baby won't it be my sister or my brother?"

I just swallowed hard. You see, one of my "fears" is that someday she'll let the world change her view of adoption. I know it's silly. It's something I have to die to and trust in God. The human flesh in me is afraid sometimes. I guess, that someday we won't be enough for her. I know that sounds silly, maybe. I mean, I'd love for her to meet her birthfamily if that is what she wants. I wish I could promise that her fairytale would continue and it would be a great reunion. I can't though. Would possible siblings accept her? I'd hope so, but who knows. Would she ever get angry at us for not being able to give her that role as a sister she wants so badly at times? I hope not. Will she one day wish that she wasn't a part of our world? Goodness, I pray not. Would someone she seeks out, hurt her? I don't know. See, those are the scary questions at times. I have always just prayed that God would guide us and give us peace. The answer is yes, all the children that her birthmother and birthfather have are her siblings. What does that mean? I don't really know. So, how do I explain this one? Over the years, I've learned to be slow to speak. I just stayed silent a minute. I asked God to help me answer this. In true Dani fashion, she didn't stop asking until I answered her.

"Well, baby let's see. Yes, if your birthmother has a child that would be your biological sibling. Now, does that mean a baby brother or sister could come live with us? NO, it doesn't. You see, our hope and prayer for birthmother is that now she is older and hopefully has finished college and has a job, and maybe she is in a place where she can take care of a baby. That's what we want for her. We want her to be the best mommy she can be. When you were born, she wasn't at a place where she could be that. She was smart and she loved you so much that she knew that. That's why she "put you to us" (Dani Marie coined this phrase when she was almost 3, and we think it's the perfect way to say it.) so we could be a family."

And then I just held my breath.
"Yes, I understand. She knew we needed each other right, Momma?"

I smiled. That sweet baby. That's exactly right. I thought that would be the end of the conversation, but it wasn't not quite.

Later that night while I was brushing her hair she started in again.

"So, Momma when you saw birthmother, was that at the hospital where all the babies are born?"

I explained that it was. I talked to her about the talk we had that day. Then she asked me if she could go there. She wanted to go back to where we saw her birthparents and everything began. This part scared me a little. What will she feel? Will she wish she had gone home with them? What is this? I don't want to confuse or hurt her. I thought these questions would come at 10 or 12. I didn't think it would be 5!

I agreed to take her. We started out the next day. We were headed to the NICU. We were almost at Tupelo when she said, "Wait, Daddy was there. Right? Wasn't Daddy there, too? My birthfather was there and so was my daddy. We can't go back without him."

I agreed that her daddy was there. I told her it would be a few days before Daddy could go with us due to his work schedule. She said she wanted to wait until we could both go back to the place where we last saw them. I was a little relieved. That was it for a few days. The following Saturday we got up and headed to Tupelo. I never mentioned going, I guess thinking she had put it out of her mind. We were headed to the mall. As soon as we got in she reminded us. "Don't forget where I want to go. Remember, the place I was born at?" Right, okay. We headed to the NICU. We pulled in the parking lot, and so many memories flooded back. I asked God to help me find the right words to comfort her heart. I also asked him to protect mine. Would she be glad she left there with us? Were we "enough" for her? We walked in to the hospital. She immediately told us she wanted to go back to where we had our "talk". My husband never said a word. I think he was feeling some of the same things I was. We walked out to the courtyard and when we stood beside the table, I pointed.

"Here it is. This is the spot. This is where we ALL made the plan for you." I wanted to say more, I wanted to remind her how much we wanted her. I wanted to explain. God seemed to silence me. He reminded me that sometimes it's only in the quiet that peace can come.

"Momma, where, where did she sit? My birthmother could you show me where she sat?" I got down on my knees and I mustered out a "Sure, baby" and pointed to the seat. Then, she walked to the seat and she sat in it. She sat and rubbed the edge of the seat for several minutes. She never said a word. Daniel looked away, and I just held my breath. What was she thinking? How could I comfort her? How could I remind her that she is our world? That she was wanted and loved and prayed for? What could I do? What was she thinking? She rubbed the seat and she had the most solemn look, I've ever seen her have. Had it really been six years since we had been in that same spot? Then, after almost five full minutes of silence, she looked at me. She smiled. I was still on my knees. She reached her arm around my neck. And she spoke.

"Momma, you know what? That day, y'all made the perfect plan for me." She hugged me so tight. My heart just melted. We came there that day for her. I wanted to help her find peace. I wanted to comfort her little fears or worries, but in true tinygirlbigmiracle fashion she comforted mine. I was her momma, and she was glad. She wanted us. In fact, she thought being with us was the "perfect plan" for her. In a thousand lifetimes, I could never deserve this precious girl. She held mine and her daddy's hands. She looked at the door and then she told us, "Now, let's go home." That's exactly what we did. I still don't know what she was thinking or feeling when she sat in that spot. If she is anything like her selfless birthmother, I'm sure she thought of everyone else involved. Maybe she even felt the love radiating off that spot from another young beautiful girl who sat there looking at me with the same crystal blue eyes years ago. That girl gave me the greatest gift, our daughter. That day, Dani Marie's precious confirmation that our plan was perfect was another gift I will always treasure.

We snapped this picture of her before we left.

The truth is we are still just getting our feet wet with how to handle the complicated questions that come with adoption. Sometimes maybe we even make it more complicated than it really is. It's actually pretty simple. Just like the way God loves us. We don't deserve it, we can't explain it. It's simply a gift given to us. Dani Marie had the best answer for any question that could ever come up. "We made the perfect plan for her." God, her birthparents, our precious social worker, her daddy, and I all loved her enough to make the perfect plan for her. One day, I hope she understands just how perfect that plan was for me, too. 

Love y'all!