Let's be real, some days are hard. Some weeks are rough. Some months just aren't the best. It's fine to force a smile, in fact it's pretty brave. I have learned over the last several years that it's a wonderful trait to be able to put on a happy face, but I also have learned that it's perfectly ok to have a stinky day every now and then. I used to think that bad days or sad feelings were selfish. I thought they meant I just wasn't seeking God like I should. The fact is that just isn't true. God's word tells us He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed.
Let me back up.....
Infertility is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. We spent years and years fighting the monster that is infertility. Three years ago, adopting Dani Marie allowed us to experience victory over so many things infertility had stolen from our family. We are now so thankful for the infertility road that led us to the most wonderful gift. I have said before that not long after we were given Dani Marie, I sat in her nursery and I rocked and thanked God for infertility. I thanked him for every failed treatment, every hurt, every closed door that led us to her. The very thing I had cried out to him about I now count as a blessing. It was the only way to get to Dani Marie. I still feel that way, I will always feel that way. That doesn't, however, make me invincible to pain.
One of the things about infertility that can be hard to swallow is the loneliness. It makes you feel alone. In a room of women who have pregnancy and labor stories it makes you feel different. No matter how hard you try to listen and discuss things like sonograms or the first time they hear a child's heartbeat, there is an awkward loneliness felt deep in your heart. I prayed years ago that God would always keep me sensitive and genuine. I never wanted to become bitter or jealous. He has always allowed me to celebrate the pregnancies and deliveries of so many precious friends of mine.
Dani Marie came at a wonderful time in my life. She saved me in so many ways. My body was exhausted, my heart was torn, and my spirit was crushed. I have been living in kind of a fantasy world for a few years where I didn't have to think about hormones, increased cancer risks, or blood counts. Recently, I have not felt well. I knew in the back of my mind that I would have to return back and address the problem, but I put it off as long as possible. It would have been perfect if we had adopted Dani Marie and the story just ended there. It didn't, it doesn't. After a difficult conversation or two with my doctor and a few months of attempting hormone regulation, it's time to make decisions about the future. After much prayer and seeking God's will I have decided that what is most important is me being healthy for my daughter. I want to be around to see her babies, maybe even her babies have babies. That more than likely means making the decision to have a hysterectomy very soon. I'm fine with that decision....most days.
Today was one of those rare days where I felt unsure and sad. I feel almost selfish saying it. I started this blog a few years ago to reach out to others and tell our story. It wouldn't be fair of me to only tell the good parts. I wouldn't be much of a witness, if I led people to believe that we never had hard days or hurt. I want God to use our story, all of it, to help others. It felt like ALL DAY today there was talk of all the things that most women can easily relate to. A friend sharing precious stories of hearing the first heartbeat, talk of birth announcements, stories of how experiencing childbirth brings couples closer, etc. The list goes on, and on, and on. Most days these stories are just that...precious stories of one of the most amazing miracles God has given his people, but today they felt more like daggers. Unintentional reminders that something is broken or different about me. It made me realize that I will soon seal the deal, and I will never be able to relate to all these amazing, exciting, experiences. It felt overwhelmingly lonely. I smiled and I did my best to take part in the discussions, but when I got alone in my car I cried. I wish I didn't. I wish I would have been above that, but I wasn't. In fact I had a downright meltdown for a minute. It was pouring down rain and the day had just been yucky. A yucky, rainy day in every way. I started talking to Jesus. I told him I was so thankful, but at the same time felt so isolated. He did what he is so good at doing. He listened. It got really quiet for a few minutes and then I heard my Christian praise and worship music playing. I turned it up.
"The sun comes up
It's a new day dawning
It's time to sing
Your song again
Whatever may pass and
whatever lies before me
Let me be singing
when the evening comes
Bless the Lord O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship your holy name.....
I sang that precious song and held fast to "Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me.....
I reminded myself that I was created by God for a purpose. My story was handwritten by the Lord.
I ran in to get the sweetest, smiling, little girl. She had on her polka dot rainboots. She loves a rainy day! She loves to splash in the puddles. She looked up at me with a sparkle in her eye and said, "Guess what Mommy? It's raining!" I held that baby so close, and I cried a different kind of tears.
I will never know what it feels like to give birth. I won't ever get to see my husband's brown eyes or my freckles combine on a child we create together, the ability to hear the heartbeat of a child growing inside me will never be mine, but I have something so much more perfectly made for me. I have a daughter who doesn't have my eyes, but she is teaching me to see the world through hers. When I see a yucky, rainy, miserable day, she sees huge puddles to splash in. I could sit around and feel lonely or sad about what I was not chosen to experience, or I can splash in the puddle of the miracle that was chosen just for me.
If your babies came to you easily.... If you got pregnant quickly or accidentally..... Thank God for your blessings. He certainly smiled on you.
If you have known the heartache of infertility, miscarriage, or loss....I'm praying for you. I know how lonely you can feel. There are no words that can magically take away your pain, but I hope you find comfort in knowing that God has a plan for you. He loves you. He loves you, oh so much!
If your are blessed enough to know motherhood through the miracle of adoption, remember that God made your family special. He knit your child together in her/his birthmother's womb, and then by hand He wove that child into your heart.
Love y'all!
