Saturday, October 11, 2014

Chapter 36 "Beauty is...."

   Hello!!! I sure do miss getting to update y'all often! Life is very busy. We are potty training,(with some success!) taking dance lessons, and talking up a storm. We have had our hands full with moving into a new house and making it our own.
   I just finished a project this morning, and this blog was inspired by it. This blog is one of the most real and vulnerable ones I have written. You guessed it..... I am a blubbering mess. 

   For the past several months Dani has come into the bathroom and stood while I get ready. This all started about three months ago. I have never been one to wear much makeup or spend much time getting ready. I noticed she loved to watch me, so I started spending a little longer than usual getting ready. She would ask what each compact contained and what it was for. One morning as I was putting on one of the three makeup items I normally wear, she said the most special thing. I had just put a small "dime size" amount of clear moisturizer on my face. I noticed her watching and I could feel her grinning. I turned and looked and then she said it. "Mommy, you are my beautiful mommy. You such a pretty mommy." Her blues eyes were just sparkling as she said those precious words. She didn't realize that the clear moisturizer had not perfected my skin tone or brightened my eyes. It had done nothing to change the size or shape of my face. It was just to keep my skin from drying. I looked in the mirror and I started to cry. It was not just the fact that she said those words, but I guess it was because I knew she meant them. 
   I have always said, " I am not a girly girl!" or "I don't like wearing much makeup or jewelry." I come from a family of beautiful ladies. My sister could pass for a supermodel. My mother's face still looks as glowing and beautiful as it did in her youth. I have spent my life making jokes or trying to be funny while masking the fact that I have never felt like I fit. My body is different, my nose is different, and if I am going to be honest I would have to say I have always felt like a bit of an ugly duckling. For years even my struggle with fertility made me feel less "womanly" than the other ladies in my life. I have never before now even mentioned that I have battled feelings of insecurity and low self esteem. 
   The easiest thing for me to do is laugh. It's never really been true that I don't like girly colors, sparkly jewelry, or makeup. The truth is I just always hoped people would think I had the potential to be beautiful, but never really put much emphasis or effort on it. 
   This plan of laughing about my weight struggle or lack of being "girly" has worked well for me on the surface my entire life. Then God sent me Dani. Danielle Marie is the picture of all things girl and sparkly. She loves hair bows, requests to wear jewelry, flips over nail polish, and owns more pink than Barbie! She is not satisfied with just her nails being done.... she insists on Mommy having pink ones, too. She has slowly made me more girly than I have ever been comfortable being. I will admit it was scary at first. What if everyone notices in a dress that I am not near as thin? What if because I wear makeup people see that my skin tone is far from perfect even with foundation? These are all silly things that haunted me for much of my life. 
   The words she said that day.... "You are my beautiful Mommy!" The way she lit up when she said it. The honesty in her face when she told me I was pretty, it melted me. I realized that she doesn't compare me to actresses, models, or even my own beautiful family members. She doesn't realize that none of her beautiful curls come from me or that those crystal eyes were given to her by someone else. She takes me as I am. She sees my freckles, flab, blemishes, frizzy hair, and she sees past it all. She looks at me in just moisturizer and sweats and she thinks I am beautiful. 
   The strangest part of it all is that she is changing how I see myself. I have quit trying to hide my body by refusing to look like I  care about my weight. I know that I will never be thin, but I am finally comfortable being at my best weight. It's amazing how just accepting that has helped transform my body and lifestyle. I have committed to weight watchers without fear of being compared to anyone. I have purchased some new makeup and taken the time to research the best shade for my eyes and skin tone. I even let my sweet hairstylist do more than "snip the ends". It is so ironic. I always was afraid to try and feel pretty, but letting go of those insecurities has actually made me much more comfortable being beautiful. Does that make any sense? ????
   I can't thank God enough for Dani. She has healed me in so many ways. She has made me laugh when life seemed hopeless. She has made me a much better person. She has made me confident and comfortable. I feel so honored. Most mothers are the ones who teach their daughters how to feel beautiful or confident. It has been my daughter,however, that has given me a makeover.... Inside and out. I hope I can return the favor one day. I hope that I can teach her to see past the surface of her own self. 
   Well...... I spent the morning making a former pool stick cabinet into a princess like vanity. I have to have somewhere for all this jewelry, makeup, and even shimmer lotion.;) I look forward to sitting in front of the mirror with Dani and applying our favorite pink lip glosses. 

Thankful for a princess of a daughter who is teaching me how to sparkle. :) 

Love you all!