Chapter 45: All the Glue Sticks

Hey y'all,

It feels like it has been forever since I got the opportunity to write. I have missed y'all. I'm sure like our family you all had a busy summer. Isn't it amazing how quickly time flies by?

Well, Dani Marie will be starting preschool in a few weeks, wait days now!!! This is just crazy to me. How can this be?

I am beginning my 10th year teaching. I have seen a dozen school supply lists. I have read many facebook posts complaining about the items on the lists. I know it seems like a lot. I know it can be expensive. What I also know is there was a time, not too long ago that I never thought I'd have my own child to buy "all the glue sticks" for.

Yesterday, I checked the mail. I came to an envelope addressed to "Mr. & Mrs. Daniel Martin" from the First Methodist Church Preschool. I smiled as I opened the envelope. It contained several forms and paperwork about upcoming orientation. I read every single word in the little paper handbook. I read the welcome letter and the options for drop off and pick up. Then I saw the school supply list. Huge tears formed in my eyes. I remember a time which now feels like forever ago, that I thought never would I have a moment like this.

About five years ago, several parents from our school district took to facebook to complain about the ever growing school supply list. I understood they had very valid points. For parents with multiple children especially, the list could get incredibly expensive. As a teacher, I knew that there would always be supplies I needed to buy out of my own pocket regardless of what was on the list. But as a girl who was beginning to let the hope of motherhood slip away, I remember hurting. I looked at a comment that read, "Who needs all those glue sticks?" The devil used that moment to make me doubt God's goodness. I knew that I would never have my own child to buy "all those glue sticks" for. I felt in that moment that I was a failure. I wanted to write this blog today, because maybe you have had your own "glue stick" moment lately.

The devil used that moment to make me question my worth. It felt like every other woman on the planet was able to do what women are made to do. To have children. To build little glue stick armies. (Trust me, they need the glue sticks. Out of 8 requested glue sticks, 2 will be eaten either by your child or the kid sitting in the next desk, 2 will roll off the desk never to be seen again, 3 will have the top accidentally left off them, and that leaves a single glue stick which most likely will be used up by Christmas. Have you ever purchased a glue stick in January? They aren't cheap. So, it is best to stock up in August. ) Back to my point, women have kids. It is what they do. I started to question every mistake I had ever made. All the sins, I had committed. I thought of the verse, "Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." Psalm 127:3  So, if a fruitful womb is a reward, my barren one must be a punishment. So, the devil had me dwelling on every mistake I had ever made. I thought of sins I had long ago confessed. He whispered in my ear, "You are a failure. You are not worthy. You are not enough." I bought it hook, line, and sinker. I was ashamed. I thought, I will never need to buy "all the glue sticks" for a child of my own. I will never order the monogrammed backpack or even pack a lunchbox. And it's somehow all my fault.

Those were lies. That is what the devil does. He seeks to destroy hope. He wants to remind us of all the times we fail. He wants us to feel like God is ashamed of us and that we are too sinful to ever have true forgiveness. See, he was calling sins to my mind that I had long before gotten on my face to confess and turn away from. What he knows about God, what he is afraid for us to realize is that God knows we don't deserve His goodness, but He gives it anyway.

God removes our sin from us when we confess and repent. He says it is as far away as the east is from the west. He lets it go. We have to let it go, too. No, we aren't worthy of His love by our own works or who we are. We are covered in His love because of who He is. His blood was shed for us. He willingly became all those sins, so that I never had to live in shame. What the devil was doing, was planting seeds of doubt in my mind. He was trying to make me bitter. He did a good job of it that day. He convinced me I would never need to buy "all the glue sticks."

Here I am, 5 years later. I am anxiously awaiting our school supply shopping trip. I am holding the school supply list which is now wet with tears. I get to buy the glue sticks, crayons, markers, all of it! I have a child. My own child! She will start to preschool, and we will cry. We are parents. I am a mother! I believed the devil's lie for too long, that I would never be worthy enough. But I am, and you are too. Whatever your hope is, your desires...don't let the devil intimidate you. God's will for your life is to promote you. He wants you to be happy. If you ask for anything in accordance to His will, don't give up. Don't doubt yourself or His ability to work ALL things together for good.

My life is an example of His goodness. He took the mess I was and He used it to bring about His glory. He will do the same for you. He loves you so much. I don't know what your "glue sticks" are today. Whatever they are, whatever it is you feel like you won't ever be good enough to need...let it go. Because you are. You are worth so much more than you even realize. Jesus thought you were worth dying for. Don't let the devil tell you otherwise.

Be praying for me y'all! I'm going to be a basket case sending that girl to school! How can it be time already? I will update you, soon!