Hey strangers! It's been a long time since I have updated y'all. So, so, so much has happened.
I'm going to be writing again soon to tell y'all the wonderful details of Dani Marie becoming my sister in Christ. It's a precious story that took place in a pumpkin patch, and it deserves its very own post. So, it will wait for another day.
Tonight's blog, is more of a reflection than anything really. In true transparency, that we have always valued with Dani Marie's story, I wanted to share my heart.
Needless to say, we have been so very busy lately. We have recently become business owners, for those of you who maybe didn't know. We opened a multi-purpose business in downtown Booneville a few weeks ago, and we haven't slowed down since. Many of you have probably seen our posts, pictures, or heard some buzz about heARTbeat. What you may not know, is how the venture came about. So, I'm finally taking the time to sit down and fill you in on whats happened and whats happening very soon.
As a former athlete and coach, I have always known the sports world. I grew up bouncing from ball camp to travel league. Daniel grew up in this same world. I became a coach and spent literally years of my life investing in kids on a local ball field. It didn't take us long with Dani Marie to realize she had no desire to be a part of the sports world, ever. Her heart and talents lean heavy on the artistic, musical, and theatrical side. At first, we didn't know what to think or how to even go about existing outside of a stadium or a ball field. We have spent a good part of the last couple of years driving Dani Marie all over the state and neighboring states to pursue her artistic talents. It was during this time our eyes were really opened to the limited opportunities for artistic and creative exploration for kids in our area. It was after coming to this awareness that God really started prompting our hearts to invest in growing the arts in our community.
Now, I hate to admit this, but once again....full disclosure. When God first laid on our hearts the possibility of investing in a center to grow the arts, I flat out said, "No, that's not a good idea." I didn't think it was. I mean, you would think by now I would have learned that God's ideas and plans far exceed mine, but I can be stubborn y'all. So, I spent some time (quite some time) reasoning with the Lord and telling him all the reasons someone else should open something where kids could explore art and music.
So, meanwhile during this back and forth between the Lord and I, some other things transpired. I have had years and years of irregular bleeding and reproductive issues. That's no secret. In recent years, the problems have gotten more complicated. We found out recently that I have something called, Asherman's Syndrome. Now over the years many doctors have treated me for other conditions, but the root of infertility boils down to scar tissue. The first D&C I had years ago, left substantial scaring. This scaring had now completely covered my uterus. This is why we were never able to carry a baby more than a few weeks. It's funny the comments you remember. Comments that seem simple or insignificant, but they burn into your brain long after they are said. I remember a friend once sharing the excitement of her pregnancy. In her excitement, she said words that I would not long forget. She was simply excited to share her blessing, and I know her heart. She never meant to hurt me. And she didn't. The words she spoke, however, were salt in an ever open wound that never really would close. She made the statement, "We heard the heartbeat today. I can't describe how amazing it was. There is absolutely no feeling in the world like hearing the heartbeat of a child growing inside you." How excited I was for her, but how hurt my heart felt. I imagined that her words were full of truth. This was only about 3 years in to our infertility road. A road we have now been on for almost fourteen years. My body was able to conceive, but the scaring had damaged my uterus so that no embryo could really attach and grow very long at all. Always within weeks, the embryo would run out of room and be no match for the thick bands of scar tissue present in my womb. A baby's heartbeat can be sometimes heard as early as six weeks, I remember once longing to just get far enough that I could know if those words my friend had spoken were indeed true. I was longing and desperate to "just even hear a heartbeat" in my womb. Even after adopting Dani Marie, this was an experience I could not relate to.
I always thought in the back of my mind that God might still heal my body and allow us to give Dani Marie one of her greatest desires, a sibling. She'd love nothing more than to have a brother or a sister. Now, I have a terrible habit of "what if" scenarios. I have even been guilty of "suggesting" to the Lord how He might want to write our story.
We could after all these years of being infertile finally carry a child to term, and celebrate His goodness at healing my body and giving Dani Marie a sibling. It always remained a possibility in the back of my mind. I even told Him how we could praise Him and give Him all the glory. I thought it would make a wonderful story of His faithfulness and healing.
We also saved and tried to have a small nest egg saved up in case we got the opportunity to adopt again. I mean, Dani Marie, made our lives and how amazing it might be to adopt another miracle blessing. That version of our story seemed like such a wonderful way to glorify God's goodness.
However, God wasn't interested in either of these endings for us. In a little over a week, I will be having a full hysterectomy. My body is tired and the scars have completely taken over my uterus. The bands have caused tremendous about of bleeding and after over eight months of continuous bleeding and a failed D&C attempt, it's time to end the battle once and for all. I have to admit, it was a bit of a blow at first. I mean, how could God write version A of our story if I had a hysterectomy?
Then, after praying and going back and forth with the Lord, I realized that our family felt complete. While we would love nothing more than a house full of kids, we felt at peace sealing our status as a family of three. I decided to finally quit running from the Lord and give in to starting the business. My valid arguments of 1. I'm not a business person. and 2. I am not artistic, musical, or creative. fell on deaf ears. He knew. He knows. He always knows what's best for us. It's really true, y'all. I quit running and poured what we had in our savings into a lease for a business that would bring more life to downtown we love, provide kids with opportunities they don't currently have in our area, and give local artists a place to showcase talent. It made absolutely no sense to me. And yet, somehow in those moments of handing over the check to pay for the lease on the building, I finally heard it. It was crazy. I handed the majority of our savings away, knowing that left no money for more children or treatments, and I knew when I handed it over that the endings to our story I had played out in my mind so many times, would no longer work. It was in that moment of not having a clue what the future would look like or how we would manage to make this new adventure work, I felt the most amazing feeling. I knew that while I was afraid, clueless, and had no idea what would come next, I was fully in God's will for our life. I was living out the story He wanted to write. In that moment, I felt it. I heard our heartbeat. It didn't come from inside my womb. It came from being fully in God's will. I realized in that moment, that when He sent our Dani Marie to us, he knew that she would allow us to find the strength to do things we would have never done. She opened our eyes to needs and worlds, we would have never known. She didn't fit in any mold we had. She grew us. She keeps growing us every single day. It was her amazing talent and creativity, that led us to explore and assess the needs of our community. God didn't need me to tell Him what to write, He writes the most amazing stories. Version A would have been great, Version B would have been fun, but His story is my favorite of all. He sent us exactly what we needed in our Dani Marie. I never heard her heartbeat growing inside me, and I never will. That's ok. While I want to take nothing from that amazing feeling for others, I can truly say I'm at peace knowing that I'm only days away from closing the door on that ever being a possibility. While adopting again would have been an amazing blessing, it's not God's will for us. He sent us Dani Marie, because He knew that in loving her we'd see needs beyond ourselves. He knew that our love for her would lead us to take a huge leap of faith and go completely out of our comfort zone, and the second we did we heard our heartbeat. My daughter now has a local place to explore art, gather with friends, play the piano, and excel at all the things she is talented at.
I was exhausted tonight after three parties and a couple of the busiest weeks I have known yet. As I closed up the store and turned off the lights, I could hear the faintest sound. I stood quiet and listened. It was Dani Marie playing "Mary had a Little Lamb" on the piano. My heart was as full as it had ever been. I was hearing our heartbeat. I thought to myself, "To each their own, but that sound is the most amazing sound." Thank you God, for being such a good, good God whose faithfulness far exceeds any story I could have written. Tired as I was, I stood in the door and listened to my heartbeat play the piano for several minutes with tears streaming down my face. My heart is so full.
I love y'all!
Saturday, November 9, 2019
Monday, April 15, 2019
Chapter 53- At His feet
I started this blog to share our story....It always seems unfair to only share the glamorous parts. So this entry is just real talk about hard lessons learned over the last week.
Have you ever felt like you were at total peace with something, only to realize later that you were still carrying it around? Maybe it's just me. I have been a parent for almost exactly seven years. For about the same amount of time leading up to becoming a parent, I carried the burden of barrenness. I felt unworthy and "less than" because I was unable to have a child. I wasn't sure why I couldn't and even struggled with blaming myself for past sins as a reason for our empty arms. When God revealed His perfect plan for us with Dani Marie, I "thought" I put those fears to rest. I was a mother, I had found favor with the Lord.
Fast forward to last week.....Dani Marie has been growing up. In that, she meets different people from different backgrounds. This year she has been around a new friend who has been raised differently. Without going into great detail, he doesn't believe in God. He has what we can only imagine is a rough home life and has definitely been exposed to more of the "real world" than our girl and most the friends she runs with. After a few discussions about some things she picked up from this friend, we decided it best to "limit" their contact. We explained that it's okay to be kind to all, but she might want to steer clear of this particular person at school. She looked us dead in the face and told us that if she hadn't been adopted into a family that loves Jesus and makes sure she is clean, she'd be just like this friend. Her sweet little eyes filled with tears as she told us she couldn't stand the thoughts of nobody wanting to be her friend and that she just had to keep being a friend to him. What could we say to that? I felt convicted to say the least. We told her to just keep loving the way she loves. That was the end of it.
Until last week....she copied a behavior she picked up from this same friend and even told a lie about it. Was it the end of the world? No! Did it feel like it? Yes! We were shocked at her. Why? I guess because she has always been so sweet and honest. It certainly was out of her character. She was punished. We all cried, and that should have been it. It wasn't. Why? I realized that I was still carrying a burden that I had long ago thought I put down. She made a mistake, as all kids (and adults for that matter) do. Why did I feel so much guilt? Why was it bothering me so? I felt responsible for sheltering her possibly too much in the name of protecting her. I had told her to keep loving the way she loves, and maybe I should have responded differently. Would me handling that differently have kept her from getting in trouble? I felt in a way like I had failed her. I didn't have her ready for this particular obstacle. I felt like others would see this as an epic parent fail, and I realized what I was still carrying. I felt like God had given me a trial parenthood card. I felt like if I could raise a precious, sweet child that was always kind and did the right thing... I deserved to be a mother. I felt like as long as we did everything right, I could feel I deserved the reward of motherhood. I don't know if that even makes sense to anyone else. I realize now that my expectations for her and myself were so unrealistic. She is precious and incredibly kind, but she isn't perfect. None of us are. And that is okay! She will make mistakes and do the wrong thing at times, and that is not a reflection of poor parenting. It's a reflection of human nature. We all sin. We all mess up.... and being a parent is loving them through it. I wanted to be the perfect mom for her, but also for myself. I wanted to feel like I "deserved" to be a mom. To be her mom...I don't. I never could earn that. It's God's gift to me. It doesn't come with stipulations and it isn't a trial. It's His will. His will is perfect. He isn't going to look down on me and "regret" His decision to anoint me to parenthood. He chose me for Dani Marie. He knit her in her birth mother's womb with our family in mind. That doesn't change when we make a mistake or even when she does. That is a freeing and refreshing realization that I'm so thankful for.
It's true for you, too. Your child is meant for you. Point blank and period, and none of us are perfect parents. We aren't perfect people. When we mess up, and we all will....let's just love each other through it.
Whatever God has called you to, He will equip you for. He won't question His decision on the hard days. He created you for a purpose, not perfection. If you are expecting perfection from yourself, lay it at His feet. It won't happen. He knew that, that's why we celebrate this weekend.
Love y'all!
Have you ever felt like you were at total peace with something, only to realize later that you were still carrying it around? Maybe it's just me. I have been a parent for almost exactly seven years. For about the same amount of time leading up to becoming a parent, I carried the burden of barrenness. I felt unworthy and "less than" because I was unable to have a child. I wasn't sure why I couldn't and even struggled with blaming myself for past sins as a reason for our empty arms. When God revealed His perfect plan for us with Dani Marie, I "thought" I put those fears to rest. I was a mother, I had found favor with the Lord.
Fast forward to last week.....Dani Marie has been growing up. In that, she meets different people from different backgrounds. This year she has been around a new friend who has been raised differently. Without going into great detail, he doesn't believe in God. He has what we can only imagine is a rough home life and has definitely been exposed to more of the "real world" than our girl and most the friends she runs with. After a few discussions about some things she picked up from this friend, we decided it best to "limit" their contact. We explained that it's okay to be kind to all, but she might want to steer clear of this particular person at school. She looked us dead in the face and told us that if she hadn't been adopted into a family that loves Jesus and makes sure she is clean, she'd be just like this friend. Her sweet little eyes filled with tears as she told us she couldn't stand the thoughts of nobody wanting to be her friend and that she just had to keep being a friend to him. What could we say to that? I felt convicted to say the least. We told her to just keep loving the way she loves. That was the end of it.
Until last week....she copied a behavior she picked up from this same friend and even told a lie about it. Was it the end of the world? No! Did it feel like it? Yes! We were shocked at her. Why? I guess because she has always been so sweet and honest. It certainly was out of her character. She was punished. We all cried, and that should have been it. It wasn't. Why? I realized that I was still carrying a burden that I had long ago thought I put down. She made a mistake, as all kids (and adults for that matter) do. Why did I feel so much guilt? Why was it bothering me so? I felt responsible for sheltering her possibly too much in the name of protecting her. I had told her to keep loving the way she loves, and maybe I should have responded differently. Would me handling that differently have kept her from getting in trouble? I felt in a way like I had failed her. I didn't have her ready for this particular obstacle. I felt like others would see this as an epic parent fail, and I realized what I was still carrying. I felt like God had given me a trial parenthood card. I felt like if I could raise a precious, sweet child that was always kind and did the right thing... I deserved to be a mother. I felt like as long as we did everything right, I could feel I deserved the reward of motherhood. I don't know if that even makes sense to anyone else. I realize now that my expectations for her and myself were so unrealistic. She is precious and incredibly kind, but she isn't perfect. None of us are. And that is okay! She will make mistakes and do the wrong thing at times, and that is not a reflection of poor parenting. It's a reflection of human nature. We all sin. We all mess up.... and being a parent is loving them through it. I wanted to be the perfect mom for her, but also for myself. I wanted to feel like I "deserved" to be a mom. To be her mom...I don't. I never could earn that. It's God's gift to me. It doesn't come with stipulations and it isn't a trial. It's His will. His will is perfect. He isn't going to look down on me and "regret" His decision to anoint me to parenthood. He chose me for Dani Marie. He knit her in her birth mother's womb with our family in mind. That doesn't change when we make a mistake or even when she does. That is a freeing and refreshing realization that I'm so thankful for.
It's true for you, too. Your child is meant for you. Point blank and period, and none of us are perfect parents. We aren't perfect people. When we mess up, and we all will....let's just love each other through it.
Whatever God has called you to, He will equip you for. He won't question His decision on the hard days. He created you for a purpose, not perfection. If you are expecting perfection from yourself, lay it at His feet. It won't happen. He knew that, that's why we celebrate this weekend.
Love y'all!
Monday, February 18, 2019
Chapter 52: A Crash Course in Gratitude
This blog is one that I have needed to get to for a while, but I can honestly say that there have literally been no words for me to adequately express how grateful I am feeling these days. Our lives have changed so much over the past two months, but then again they could have changed so much more.
Have you ever gotten a phone call that changed your life? I remember the phone call telling me about Dani Marie. It changed my life for sure, and it was the stuff my dreams were made of....I received another life-changing call a couple months ago, but this one was straight from my worst nightmares.
Let's rewind....
December 17, 2018-
I'm an early bird. I always have been. Daniel works swing shift at Toyota, so sometimes he leaves out in the early morning hours. This particular morning was foggy. I woke up just a little before 4:00 am and heard him stirring downstairs. I messaged him with a little small talk. We were making plans for the busy evening ahead. I was instructing him to pick up our daughter and her friend from gymnastics because once I dropped them off I would be headed back to Booneville for a Christmas party. That was it.....I didn't say "I love you" or "Be safe"....I just made plans for another busy afternoon. I laid there awake for a few minutes and got up to get our clothes laid out for the day. I crawled back into the bed half asleep to snuggle up with Dani and do my morning devotion. My phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize, and I assumed it was a scam call. I answered it. It was the ambulance service calling to inform that Daniel had been in a terrible accident. They told me he was in the ambulance and had just been cut from his car. They said he wanted to talk to me, so they put me on speaker. He told me he loved me. I could her pain and fear in his voice. "I love you. I love Dani. Ok? I love y'all." That was it. The EMT got back on the phone and warned me about the fog. He told me that they couldn't land a helicopter, so they would be taking him to Tupelo ER. He told me to come but to be very careful. I remember asking him if Daniel was going to make it. My exact words were, "Wait, tell me... how bad is it? Is he going to live?" He hesitated and then told me he really didn't know. "I don't know, I just don't know." He said he had a severe head injury and had lost a lot of blood. He told me he was hit by an 18 wheeler. He hung up the phone.
I couldn't breathe. I collapsed to the floor and army crawled into my closet. I stayed on my knees for what felt like forever before I could stand. I cried out to God. I was literally terrified. I called my parents and begged them to pray. They told me they were coming to get me and drive me to the hospital. I made a few frantic calls pleading with people to pray as hard as they could. I stood when I finally had the strength and walked to wake Dani Marie. I remember stopping dead in my tracks before rousing her. I looked at her sweet face, and I couldn't do it. I recall thinking this could be the very last time she ever woke up with her daddy alive, and I just couldn't do it. I had to let her live in this reality we had taken for granted at least a few more minutes. I somehow managed to get on some clothes. My parents arrived and we headed to the hospital. I was shaking uncontrollably. I'm calm. I'm extremely level-headed. Most of the time in tense moments, I remain strangely controlled. Not this morning. I was terrified I was going to lose my best friend. I was scared I would have to raise my daughter alone. How could this be happening? So fast??? I remember unbuckling my seatbelt and getting onto my knees in my mother's floorboard. She begged me to get up and buckle, but I do my best praying with my face to the ground. I talked to God like I don't think I ever have before. Don't get me wrong, He and I have had some very intense and difficult conversations. This was different. This came from a place of complete helplessness and fear.
You see, Daniel and I have people we love dearly who aren't Christ followers. They just aren't saved. They are good people who mean so much to us, but they just don't see the need for God to be on the throne of their lives. We have been burdened over their salvation for a while. For the past year or so, we have been praying for God to do whatever He needed to or through us to bring them to Him. It hit me like a ton of bricks. What if this was it? What if this was the moment that was meant to point others to Him? If I have learned anything in my life it's that God is for me. He is absolutely for my family, There were years where I doubted this truth but no more. I know with all my heart that God can work all things for His glory. I was not doubting God's goodness, but I was doubting my ability to cling to it. I was on my knees in the floorboard and crying out to my God. I was quoting scripture and clinging to its promises. I begged him to lend us His ear. I told him that I would never try to change His will, but if He would just lend us all His ear, I knew that by this time literally hundreds of people were praying with us. I'm a firm believer in the power of praying people calling out your names. Literally, hundreds petitioned Heaven on our behalf that morning. I could almost hear them all lifting our names. I told God how much we needed Daniel. Then I prayed the hardest thing I have ever prayed. I asked God to give me the strength to praise His name even if He didn't see fit to save Daniel. I told Him I knew He was good, but I begged him not to let me forget it even for a second when I got to that hospital. I knew that if this was the moment God planned to use, that if I cried out in anger or questioned Him that Daniel's prayers to use us to point others to Him would have been in vain. I knew if I believed what I say I believe, I had to still praise His name no matter the news. Then I realized that Dani was in the car with me. Was she scared? Would she be angry at God? NO! This couldn't happen. I know how cruel this world is. My worst fear for her would be for her to shut God out. She won't stand a chance in this world without Him. She's just six, would she understand? How could she not blame Him?
I got up and reached for her in the backseat. She was holding my daddy's hand and she was awake. I grabbed her precious face.
"Baby, Do you love Jesus?
"Yes, I love Jesus!"
"Do you know He loves you? No, matter what? You know Jesus loves you, right?"
"Yes, ma'am......I don't want my daddy to die."
"I know you don't baby. I don't either. No matter what happens, no matter what we hear when we walk in those doors in a minute, you know what?"
"Jesus loves me."
"We have to cling to that."
She nodded. She was calm. She was scared, but she was not panicking. Looking back, her faith is far more mature than I gave her credit for.
We got to the hospital and the wreck was on the news. It was ten minutes, but it felt more like hours before we knew he was stable. They let me go back to him. It was the most wonderful sight. Granted, he was banged up awful. His back was broken, his leg was crushed literally from the inside, and his head lay open to the skull. His orbital wall had been crushed, but he looked at me with the one eye he could use and mustered up a smile. "I've really done it this time haven't I, Honey?" were the words he said. I was so grateful in that moment. They informed me that he needed CT scans to see how bad the damage was. His head could most likely have bleeding we couldn't see and some damage that would show in the scans. The scans would let us know about his organs. I slid down the wall and started praying that God would let the scans show, "No brain damage, no organ damage, no brain damage, no organ damage....." I repeated the words over and over. An hour or so later, those were the trauma surgeon's exact words. We were so grateful! That morning I was taking his smile for granted, taking the day for granted, and now I was soaking up this moment and so thoroughly grateful to hear his voice and see his face. It wasn't the same face, it still isn't. In fact, he now wears a scar across his forehead similar to Harry Potter's trademark lightning bolt. We jokingly refer to him as "The Boy Who Lived" around here. That morning changed our lives. We spent the next month in the hospital. Multiple surgeries, therapies, and hurdles were to follow over the coming days. We took them all in stride. I missed more work than I ever have, our daughter who had only ever spent a single night away from us now suddenly had 17 under her belt, my strong husband needed my help to bathe, eat, and go to the restroom. Life certainly changed, but in spite of all of the hurdles we had to overcome...I'd say in many ways it changed that day for the better. I'm different now. Daniel's different. We all are. You see there will never be another day I take for granted. I will tell people I love them far more often. I won't assume that our busy afternoons will come without stopping to soak in and be grateful for the quiet mornings. I won't put off for tomorrow what could be done today because the truth is that tomorrow isn't promised.
Daniel and I grew closer over those weeks together in the hospital room. We watched movie marathons, played board games, and we laughed. We laughed so much at so many silly things. We cried a little, but we mostly laughed. We spent more time together those few weeks than our busy lives have ever allowed us to in fourteen years. This Christmas was so different. We truly got a crash course in gratitude. Our village of co-workers, church members, friends, family, former students, and even complete strangers showed up and showed out. We had so many meals provided for us, gift cards gifted to us, laundry done, toiletries brought to the hospital, baked goods that arrived at always just the right time. People took care of Dani Marie and made sure she never missed a beat. People have showered us with love and prayers, and we are so thankful. We are eternally grateful for the love and kindness that has been and continues to be poured on us.
Daniel is already walking with crutches. He's hoping to be walking completely on his own again soon. He still has a long road of therapy and recovery, but we are so thankful to be on this road. He realizes that God spared his life. The night before the accident, Dani Marie prayed like she always does for her daddy's safety on the way to work. The law enforcement, medical professionals, and people who saw Daniel's car all tell us there is no way he should be alive. It's a miracle. We truly believe Dani Marie's prayers were answered and God placed a hedge of protection around Daniel's brain and vital organs. The prayers of so many of you after that have kept him and given him strength. Once again for that, we feel so grateful. We have told everyone who would listen about God's goodness. The truth is we should have been doing more of that even before this. God didn't need to spare Daniel that day for him to be good or powerful. He was both of those things already, but He chose to let us keep our husband and sweet daddy around a little longer and for that we are forever grateful!
This morning hug the people you love. Don't take this regular Monday morning for granted. This crash course has taught me to be ever thankful for the normal days and all that comes with them. We love our village! More updates soon......
Have you ever gotten a phone call that changed your life? I remember the phone call telling me about Dani Marie. It changed my life for sure, and it was the stuff my dreams were made of....I received another life-changing call a couple months ago, but this one was straight from my worst nightmares.
Let's rewind....
December 17, 2018-
I'm an early bird. I always have been. Daniel works swing shift at Toyota, so sometimes he leaves out in the early morning hours. This particular morning was foggy. I woke up just a little before 4:00 am and heard him stirring downstairs. I messaged him with a little small talk. We were making plans for the busy evening ahead. I was instructing him to pick up our daughter and her friend from gymnastics because once I dropped them off I would be headed back to Booneville for a Christmas party. That was it.....I didn't say "I love you" or "Be safe"....I just made plans for another busy afternoon. I laid there awake for a few minutes and got up to get our clothes laid out for the day. I crawled back into the bed half asleep to snuggle up with Dani and do my morning devotion. My phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize, and I assumed it was a scam call. I answered it. It was the ambulance service calling to inform that Daniel had been in a terrible accident. They told me he was in the ambulance and had just been cut from his car. They said he wanted to talk to me, so they put me on speaker. He told me he loved me. I could her pain and fear in his voice. "I love you. I love Dani. Ok? I love y'all." That was it. The EMT got back on the phone and warned me about the fog. He told me that they couldn't land a helicopter, so they would be taking him to Tupelo ER. He told me to come but to be very careful. I remember asking him if Daniel was going to make it. My exact words were, "Wait, tell me... how bad is it? Is he going to live?" He hesitated and then told me he really didn't know. "I don't know, I just don't know." He said he had a severe head injury and had lost a lot of blood. He told me he was hit by an 18 wheeler. He hung up the phone.
I couldn't breathe. I collapsed to the floor and army crawled into my closet. I stayed on my knees for what felt like forever before I could stand. I cried out to God. I was literally terrified. I called my parents and begged them to pray. They told me they were coming to get me and drive me to the hospital. I made a few frantic calls pleading with people to pray as hard as they could. I stood when I finally had the strength and walked to wake Dani Marie. I remember stopping dead in my tracks before rousing her. I looked at her sweet face, and I couldn't do it. I recall thinking this could be the very last time she ever woke up with her daddy alive, and I just couldn't do it. I had to let her live in this reality we had taken for granted at least a few more minutes. I somehow managed to get on some clothes. My parents arrived and we headed to the hospital. I was shaking uncontrollably. I'm calm. I'm extremely level-headed. Most of the time in tense moments, I remain strangely controlled. Not this morning. I was terrified I was going to lose my best friend. I was scared I would have to raise my daughter alone. How could this be happening? So fast??? I remember unbuckling my seatbelt and getting onto my knees in my mother's floorboard. She begged me to get up and buckle, but I do my best praying with my face to the ground. I talked to God like I don't think I ever have before. Don't get me wrong, He and I have had some very intense and difficult conversations. This was different. This came from a place of complete helplessness and fear.
You see, Daniel and I have people we love dearly who aren't Christ followers. They just aren't saved. They are good people who mean so much to us, but they just don't see the need for God to be on the throne of their lives. We have been burdened over their salvation for a while. For the past year or so, we have been praying for God to do whatever He needed to or through us to bring them to Him. It hit me like a ton of bricks. What if this was it? What if this was the moment that was meant to point others to Him? If I have learned anything in my life it's that God is for me. He is absolutely for my family, There were years where I doubted this truth but no more. I know with all my heart that God can work all things for His glory. I was not doubting God's goodness, but I was doubting my ability to cling to it. I was on my knees in the floorboard and crying out to my God. I was quoting scripture and clinging to its promises. I begged him to lend us His ear. I told him that I would never try to change His will, but if He would just lend us all His ear, I knew that by this time literally hundreds of people were praying with us. I'm a firm believer in the power of praying people calling out your names. Literally, hundreds petitioned Heaven on our behalf that morning. I could almost hear them all lifting our names. I told God how much we needed Daniel. Then I prayed the hardest thing I have ever prayed. I asked God to give me the strength to praise His name even if He didn't see fit to save Daniel. I told Him I knew He was good, but I begged him not to let me forget it even for a second when I got to that hospital. I knew that if this was the moment God planned to use, that if I cried out in anger or questioned Him that Daniel's prayers to use us to point others to Him would have been in vain. I knew if I believed what I say I believe, I had to still praise His name no matter the news. Then I realized that Dani was in the car with me. Was she scared? Would she be angry at God? NO! This couldn't happen. I know how cruel this world is. My worst fear for her would be for her to shut God out. She won't stand a chance in this world without Him. She's just six, would she understand? How could she not blame Him?
I got up and reached for her in the backseat. She was holding my daddy's hand and she was awake. I grabbed her precious face.
"Baby, Do you love Jesus?
"Yes, I love Jesus!"
"Do you know He loves you? No, matter what? You know Jesus loves you, right?"
"Yes, ma'am......I don't want my daddy to die."
"I know you don't baby. I don't either. No matter what happens, no matter what we hear when we walk in those doors in a minute, you know what?"
"Jesus loves me."
"We have to cling to that."
She nodded. She was calm. She was scared, but she was not panicking. Looking back, her faith is far more mature than I gave her credit for.
We got to the hospital and the wreck was on the news. It was ten minutes, but it felt more like hours before we knew he was stable. They let me go back to him. It was the most wonderful sight. Granted, he was banged up awful. His back was broken, his leg was crushed literally from the inside, and his head lay open to the skull. His orbital wall had been crushed, but he looked at me with the one eye he could use and mustered up a smile. "I've really done it this time haven't I, Honey?" were the words he said. I was so grateful in that moment. They informed me that he needed CT scans to see how bad the damage was. His head could most likely have bleeding we couldn't see and some damage that would show in the scans. The scans would let us know about his organs. I slid down the wall and started praying that God would let the scans show, "No brain damage, no organ damage, no brain damage, no organ damage....." I repeated the words over and over. An hour or so later, those were the trauma surgeon's exact words. We were so grateful! That morning I was taking his smile for granted, taking the day for granted, and now I was soaking up this moment and so thoroughly grateful to hear his voice and see his face. It wasn't the same face, it still isn't. In fact, he now wears a scar across his forehead similar to Harry Potter's trademark lightning bolt. We jokingly refer to him as "The Boy Who Lived" around here. That morning changed our lives. We spent the next month in the hospital. Multiple surgeries, therapies, and hurdles were to follow over the coming days. We took them all in stride. I missed more work than I ever have, our daughter who had only ever spent a single night away from us now suddenly had 17 under her belt, my strong husband needed my help to bathe, eat, and go to the restroom. Life certainly changed, but in spite of all of the hurdles we had to overcome...I'd say in many ways it changed that day for the better. I'm different now. Daniel's different. We all are. You see there will never be another day I take for granted. I will tell people I love them far more often. I won't assume that our busy afternoons will come without stopping to soak in and be grateful for the quiet mornings. I won't put off for tomorrow what could be done today because the truth is that tomorrow isn't promised.
Daniel and I grew closer over those weeks together in the hospital room. We watched movie marathons, played board games, and we laughed. We laughed so much at so many silly things. We cried a little, but we mostly laughed. We spent more time together those few weeks than our busy lives have ever allowed us to in fourteen years. This Christmas was so different. We truly got a crash course in gratitude. Our village of co-workers, church members, friends, family, former students, and even complete strangers showed up and showed out. We had so many meals provided for us, gift cards gifted to us, laundry done, toiletries brought to the hospital, baked goods that arrived at always just the right time. People took care of Dani Marie and made sure she never missed a beat. People have showered us with love and prayers, and we are so thankful. We are eternally grateful for the love and kindness that has been and continues to be poured on us.
Daniel is already walking with crutches. He's hoping to be walking completely on his own again soon. He still has a long road of therapy and recovery, but we are so thankful to be on this road. He realizes that God spared his life. The night before the accident, Dani Marie prayed like she always does for her daddy's safety on the way to work. The law enforcement, medical professionals, and people who saw Daniel's car all tell us there is no way he should be alive. It's a miracle. We truly believe Dani Marie's prayers were answered and God placed a hedge of protection around Daniel's brain and vital organs. The prayers of so many of you after that have kept him and given him strength. Once again for that, we feel so grateful. We have told everyone who would listen about God's goodness. The truth is we should have been doing more of that even before this. God didn't need to spare Daniel that day for him to be good or powerful. He was both of those things already, but He chose to let us keep our husband and sweet daddy around a little longer and for that we are forever grateful!
This morning hug the people you love. Don't take this regular Monday morning for granted. This crash course has taught me to be ever thankful for the normal days and all that comes with them. We love our village! More updates soon......
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