I started this blog to share our story....It always seems unfair to only share the glamorous parts. So this entry is just real talk about hard lessons learned over the last week.
Have you ever felt like you were at total peace with something, only to realize later that you were still carrying it around? Maybe it's just me. I have been a parent for almost exactly seven years. For about the same amount of time leading up to becoming a parent, I carried the burden of barrenness. I felt unworthy and "less than" because I was unable to have a child. I wasn't sure why I couldn't and even struggled with blaming myself for past sins as a reason for our empty arms. When God revealed His perfect plan for us with Dani Marie, I "thought" I put those fears to rest. I was a mother, I had found favor with the Lord.
Fast forward to last week.....Dani Marie has been growing up. In that, she meets different people from different backgrounds. This year she has been around a new friend who has been raised differently. Without going into great detail, he doesn't believe in God. He has what we can only imagine is a rough home life and has definitely been exposed to more of the "real world" than our girl and most the friends she runs with. After a few discussions about some things she picked up from this friend, we decided it best to "limit" their contact. We explained that it's okay to be kind to all, but she might want to steer clear of this particular person at school. She looked us dead in the face and told us that if she hadn't been adopted into a family that loves Jesus and makes sure she is clean, she'd be just like this friend. Her sweet little eyes filled with tears as she told us she couldn't stand the thoughts of nobody wanting to be her friend and that she just had to keep being a friend to him. What could we say to that? I felt convicted to say the least. We told her to just keep loving the way she loves. That was the end of it.
Until last week....she copied a behavior she picked up from this same friend and even told a lie about it. Was it the end of the world? No! Did it feel like it? Yes! We were shocked at her. Why? I guess because she has always been so sweet and honest. It certainly was out of her character. She was punished. We all cried, and that should have been it. It wasn't. Why? I realized that I was still carrying a burden that I had long ago thought I put down. She made a mistake, as all kids (and adults for that matter) do. Why did I feel so much guilt? Why was it bothering me so? I felt responsible for sheltering her possibly too much in the name of protecting her. I had told her to keep loving the way she loves, and maybe I should have responded differently. Would me handling that differently have kept her from getting in trouble? I felt in a way like I had failed her. I didn't have her ready for this particular obstacle. I felt like others would see this as an epic parent fail, and I realized what I was still carrying. I felt like God had given me a trial parenthood card. I felt like if I could raise a precious, sweet child that was always kind and did the right thing... I deserved to be a mother. I felt like as long as we did everything right, I could feel I deserved the reward of motherhood. I don't know if that even makes sense to anyone else. I realize now that my expectations for her and myself were so unrealistic. She is precious and incredibly kind, but she isn't perfect. None of us are. And that is okay! She will make mistakes and do the wrong thing at times, and that is not a reflection of poor parenting. It's a reflection of human nature. We all sin. We all mess up.... and being a parent is loving them through it. I wanted to be the perfect mom for her, but also for myself. I wanted to feel like I "deserved" to be a mom. To be her mom...I don't. I never could earn that. It's God's gift to me. It doesn't come with stipulations and it isn't a trial. It's His will. His will is perfect. He isn't going to look down on me and "regret" His decision to anoint me to parenthood. He chose me for Dani Marie. He knit her in her birth mother's womb with our family in mind. That doesn't change when we make a mistake or even when she does. That is a freeing and refreshing realization that I'm so thankful for.
It's true for you, too. Your child is meant for you. Point blank and period, and none of us are perfect parents. We aren't perfect people. When we mess up, and we all will....let's just love each other through it.
Whatever God has called you to, He will equip you for. He won't question His decision on the hard days. He created you for a purpose, not perfection. If you are expecting perfection from yourself, lay it at His feet. It won't happen. He knew that, that's why we celebrate this weekend.
Love y'all!
