Hey strangers! It's been a long time since I have updated y'all. So, so, so much has happened.
I'm going to be writing again soon to tell y'all the wonderful details of Dani Marie becoming my sister in Christ. It's a precious story that took place in a pumpkin patch, and it deserves its very own post. So, it will wait for another day.
Tonight's blog, is more of a reflection than anything really. In true transparency, that we have always valued with Dani Marie's story, I wanted to share my heart.
Needless to say, we have been so very busy lately. We have recently become business owners, for those of you who maybe didn't know. We opened a multi-purpose business in downtown Booneville a few weeks ago, and we haven't slowed down since. Many of you have probably seen our posts, pictures, or heard some buzz about heARTbeat. What you may not know, is how the venture came about. So, I'm finally taking the time to sit down and fill you in on whats happened and whats happening very soon.
As a former athlete and coach, I have always known the sports world. I grew up bouncing from ball camp to travel league. Daniel grew up in this same world. I became a coach and spent literally years of my life investing in kids on a local ball field. It didn't take us long with Dani Marie to realize she had no desire to be a part of the sports world, ever. Her heart and talents lean heavy on the artistic, musical, and theatrical side. At first, we didn't know what to think or how to even go about existing outside of a stadium or a ball field. We have spent a good part of the last couple of years driving Dani Marie all over the state and neighboring states to pursue her artistic talents. It was during this time our eyes were really opened to the limited opportunities for artistic and creative exploration for kids in our area. It was after coming to this awareness that God really started prompting our hearts to invest in growing the arts in our community.
Now, I hate to admit this, but once again....full disclosure. When God first laid on our hearts the possibility of investing in a center to grow the arts, I flat out said, "No, that's not a good idea." I didn't think it was. I mean, you would think by now I would have learned that God's ideas and plans far exceed mine, but I can be stubborn y'all. So, I spent some time (quite some time) reasoning with the Lord and telling him all the reasons someone else should open something where kids could explore art and music.
So, meanwhile during this back and forth between the Lord and I, some other things transpired. I have had years and years of irregular bleeding and reproductive issues. That's no secret. In recent years, the problems have gotten more complicated. We found out recently that I have something called, Asherman's Syndrome. Now over the years many doctors have treated me for other conditions, but the root of infertility boils down to scar tissue. The first D&C I had years ago, left substantial scaring. This scaring had now completely covered my uterus. This is why we were never able to carry a baby more than a few weeks. It's funny the comments you remember. Comments that seem simple or insignificant, but they burn into your brain long after they are said. I remember a friend once sharing the excitement of her pregnancy. In her excitement, she said words that I would not long forget. She was simply excited to share her blessing, and I know her heart. She never meant to hurt me. And she didn't. The words she spoke, however, were salt in an ever open wound that never really would close. She made the statement, "We heard the heartbeat today. I can't describe how amazing it was. There is absolutely no feeling in the world like hearing the heartbeat of a child growing inside you." How excited I was for her, but how hurt my heart felt. I imagined that her words were full of truth. This was only about 3 years in to our infertility road. A road we have now been on for almost fourteen years. My body was able to conceive, but the scaring had damaged my uterus so that no embryo could really attach and grow very long at all. Always within weeks, the embryo would run out of room and be no match for the thick bands of scar tissue present in my womb. A baby's heartbeat can be sometimes heard as early as six weeks, I remember once longing to just get far enough that I could know if those words my friend had spoken were indeed true. I was longing and desperate to "just even hear a heartbeat" in my womb. Even after adopting Dani Marie, this was an experience I could not relate to.
I always thought in the back of my mind that God might still heal my body and allow us to give Dani Marie one of her greatest desires, a sibling. She'd love nothing more than to have a brother or a sister. Now, I have a terrible habit of "what if" scenarios. I have even been guilty of "suggesting" to the Lord how He might want to write our story.
We could after all these years of being infertile finally carry a child to term, and celebrate His goodness at healing my body and giving Dani Marie a sibling. It always remained a possibility in the back of my mind. I even told Him how we could praise Him and give Him all the glory. I thought it would make a wonderful story of His faithfulness and healing.
We also saved and tried to have a small nest egg saved up in case we got the opportunity to adopt again. I mean, Dani Marie, made our lives and how amazing it might be to adopt another miracle blessing. That version of our story seemed like such a wonderful way to glorify God's goodness.
However, God wasn't interested in either of these endings for us. In a little over a week, I will be having a full hysterectomy. My body is tired and the scars have completely taken over my uterus. The bands have caused tremendous about of bleeding and after over eight months of continuous bleeding and a failed D&C attempt, it's time to end the battle once and for all. I have to admit, it was a bit of a blow at first. I mean, how could God write version A of our story if I had a hysterectomy?
Then, after praying and going back and forth with the Lord, I realized that our family felt complete. While we would love nothing more than a house full of kids, we felt at peace sealing our status as a family of three. I decided to finally quit running from the Lord and give in to starting the business. My valid arguments of 1. I'm not a business person. and 2. I am not artistic, musical, or creative. fell on deaf ears. He knew. He knows. He always knows what's best for us. It's really true, y'all. I quit running and poured what we had in our savings into a lease for a business that would bring more life to downtown we love, provide kids with opportunities they don't currently have in our area, and give local artists a place to showcase talent. It made absolutely no sense to me. And yet, somehow in those moments of handing over the check to pay for the lease on the building, I finally heard it. It was crazy. I handed the majority of our savings away, knowing that left no money for more children or treatments, and I knew when I handed it over that the endings to our story I had played out in my mind so many times, would no longer work. It was in that moment of not having a clue what the future would look like or how we would manage to make this new adventure work, I felt the most amazing feeling. I knew that while I was afraid, clueless, and had no idea what would come next, I was fully in God's will for our life. I was living out the story He wanted to write. In that moment, I felt it. I heard our heartbeat. It didn't come from inside my womb. It came from being fully in God's will. I realized in that moment, that when He sent our Dani Marie to us, he knew that she would allow us to find the strength to do things we would have never done. She opened our eyes to needs and worlds, we would have never known. She didn't fit in any mold we had. She grew us. She keeps growing us every single day. It was her amazing talent and creativity, that led us to explore and assess the needs of our community. God didn't need me to tell Him what to write, He writes the most amazing stories. Version A would have been great, Version B would have been fun, but His story is my favorite of all. He sent us exactly what we needed in our Dani Marie. I never heard her heartbeat growing inside me, and I never will. That's ok. While I want to take nothing from that amazing feeling for others, I can truly say I'm at peace knowing that I'm only days away from closing the door on that ever being a possibility. While adopting again would have been an amazing blessing, it's not God's will for us. He sent us Dani Marie, because He knew that in loving her we'd see needs beyond ourselves. He knew that our love for her would lead us to take a huge leap of faith and go completely out of our comfort zone, and the second we did we heard our heartbeat. My daughter now has a local place to explore art, gather with friends, play the piano, and excel at all the things she is talented at.
I was exhausted tonight after three parties and a couple of the busiest weeks I have known yet. As I closed up the store and turned off the lights, I could hear the faintest sound. I stood quiet and listened. It was Dani Marie playing "Mary had a Little Lamb" on the piano. My heart was as full as it had ever been. I was hearing our heartbeat. I thought to myself, "To each their own, but that sound is the most amazing sound." Thank you God, for being such a good, good God whose faithfulness far exceeds any story I could have written. Tired as I was, I stood in the door and listened to my heartbeat play the piano for several minutes with tears streaming down my face. My heart is so full.
I love y'all!
