Chapter 60: Lay Down What's Good and Find What's Best

 Hey there y'all! I feel like it has literally been forever and a day since I have updated or written a blog. Quick recap, we just started middle school! Can you believe? How is it even possible for our #tinygirlbigmiracle to be in middle school? She ABSOLUTELY loves it! She is thriving in 5th grade, and we are here for it. 

Now, straight to the heart of today's blog. Change. They say, it's a good thing. They say the only constant is change. Personally, I've never really been a fan. I'm a routine girl. Any of y'all out there? Live for a schedule? Cling to the comfort of familiarity? ME! I've lived in the same town since I was born, had for the most part the same friends since forever, and until recently the same job in the same place my entire adult life. And it was GOOD. It's all been good. That's the thing about change, it's scary. I am not ever the first in line to sign up for something scary. I feel like there are mainly two types of people, the risk-taking thrill seekers who thrive on the excitement of the unknown (insert Daniel Martin :) ) and then the me's of the world. We are over here just easing into the day in the same way at the same time and get uneasy when our normal road to work is closed for a detour, type of thing. Which one are you? Or are you somewhere in between? The past few months, my comfort zone has morphed into a launching pad for change. And you know what? It's been not just a good thing, but a great thing. It's grown me in ways already that I would have never grown in my comfort zone. Funny how that happens. 

The Lord works ALL things for good for those who love Him. We know this. I'm still in the bad habit after all this time, of suggesting to Him what I think is best. Anyone else? I like to offer him little suggestions or "ideas" for how to work things. I'm sure by this point He just rolls His eyes or shakes His head. I love being a teacher. I truly feel like it's my calling. I have invested in the lives of so many littles, and they have made my days and years. I walked into my job at my former school as a kid myself, and I grew up there. I planned to retire there. Keywords....I planned. Yeah, about that. Somebody remind me to stop doing that. God's plans aren't my plans, and His ways are so much higher than mine are. I had a good job that I loved. I was really comfortable in the role, and then I wasn't. I was actually looking for a job for a friend, and I stumbled upon a job posting. It was a position I had never taught before at a different school. I immediately felt butterflies after reading the posting. Then in true Ashlee Martin fashion, I dismissed them. I tried to put it out of my mind. Why? Because, it was different. Mainly because I had a good job that I loved. I was content. The thing about contentment, it's not what we are called to be. We were literally made to THRIVE. The Lord continued to call that posting to my mind. A few other things played out over the next couple of days, and I just knew in my heart it was time to make a change and follow that tug. I reached out and set up an interview. I arrived early, no surprise to any of you who know me. I sat in my car, and I prayed for God to guide me. I fully intended to walk in, realize I made a mistake and go back to my good job that I loved and had enjoyed for fifteen years being more content than ever. That's not quite how it went down. I walked in, had a comfortable conversation with two amazing administrators, walked around a campus that is quickly beginning to feel like home, and I felt an overwhelming peace. I didn't understand it. What? I have attended and taught at the same school forever. It was literally all I knew. And things were good. Sure, maybe somedays it was more survive than thrive, but no complaints. I left the interview and within a couple of days, the wheels were in motion for a MAJOR life change. I remember thinking, "What am I doing? Is this crazy? I love my people, I love my kids, and I LOVE how familiar I am with a good job that I'm blessed to have." The thing about comfort zones, you can't grow there. I had become very comfortable and content. God had something for me and it was somewhere I wasn't. That's the scary thing about contentment. A horrible job is easy to leave. If you are miserable, well you know that change has to happen. It's when things are good, when you have lots of good days, that you don't really see that change is necessary or the need for it. The Lord has grown me though, and I at least now realize that when He keeps tugging at my heart, I better just stop and listen. I had to have really hard conversations with people that I have the upmost respect for and love. I felt like I was leaving my home and my family. I almost backed out at the last minute. I remember praying, "God, I don't hate my job. It's good. I love my students. Are we sure?" If you have been a passenger of mine, you know KLOVE radio is a regular in my car. That same morning, these lyrics began to play....

"Let your weary spirit rest

Lay down what's good and find what's best"

So, yeah. I heard Him. No need to cue the whale to swallow me up, I knew He needed me to lay down what was good, so I could find what was best. Fast forward two months....I am so thankful for following His call to make a change. I didn't lose my old friends, I still have them. I didn't lose that school that still means so much to me, I still cheer for them. A huge part of my heart still heads that way every single day to the middle school. What I did do, is gain a whole new family. I met students I already love who I would have never known existed. I have grown already professionally by teaching something brand new. I can wholeheartedly say, this was best for me. I'm thankful for a God who didn't make us for good days, but who made us for a divine and unique purpose that is BEST carried out exactly where He calls us to be. 

Love y'all! 

Chapter 59- "Broken, not Empty"

 Hello!! I hope 2022 is treating you wonderfully! January has come and stayed, stayed, and stayed. It is almost over. My teacher friends who haven't been paid since mid December will agree this is by far the longest month of the year. It's been a while since I wrote, but the Lord placed something on my heart. I promised him a while back when he did that, I'd stop and share. Here you go: 

    I have been driving the same Toyota Highlander since Dani Marie was 4 months old. It was brand spanking new when I bought it. That was almost ten years ago. The thought of upgrading has entered my mind a time or two, but I am a huge fan of driving something that's paid for. I'm about to be real transparent. Of my many flaws, driving my truck past E has always been one. I know there are those super prepared people who never let a tank fall below 1/2 full. I so would love to be one of you. I'm the polar opposite. Don't believe me? Ask my sweet daddy how many times he has met me with a gas can. I am really busy, so I often think I can go a little more without the inconvenience of taking the time to stop and get gas. My Toyota has a perfectly working gauge that tells me how far until empty. Except it's not accurate. I have learned through for lack of a better word "experience" that 20 miles until empty, actually is more like 31-34. It's super irresponsible to not take the time to stop and fill up well before getting to that point, but I don't "like" to stop and pump gas. So, I have pushed it more than a couple of times and ended up having to call for some gas. Except it's been a while since that has happened.. I'd love to say it's because I have matured into realizing that not pushing the limits of my gas tank reserve is a responsible adult thing to do. But, that is not the reason. The real reason is.....my lever that pops my gas tank open broke. Yep. Just quit working one day. A day when I was already well past empty. After ten minutes, I finally figured out that if Dani Marie would climb into my seat and pull the lever up while I simultaneously pulled on the little door by the gas tank, it would still pop open. I could run get a new car or get it fixed, but I have realized it has actually forced me to be more mindful of my gas situation. Now, I realize that I need to keep at least half a tank all the time because I have to fill up when I have Dani Marie with me. I don't want to chance having to stop at the station by myself with no way to open my tank now that the lever is broken. So, I am filling up more often and making sure to not be where I "have to" get some gas when I'm alone without someone to help me tag team the broken gas lever. I laughed the other day when I realized it had been so long since I had "accidentally" gone a little too far before stopping to get gas. It occurred to me that this small part of my car being broken had actually forced me to do a better job of being a responsible driver and keeping the amount of gas in my truck that I should have all along. Isn't that odd? Something breaking actually making a situation better? 

Not really.... It's exactly how God works in our hearts and lives sometimes. I have had the amazing privilege of counseling several couples and ladies going through infertility. A few months ago, a sweet girl struggling with deciding between infertility treatments and adoption asked me one of those "point blank" type questions that really make you think. She said, "When did you stop feeling broken? When you got Dani Marie did it fix your broken? Or when?" I took a long look inside my heart and then answered my honest answer. "I'm still broken. I will always be broken. I'm broken, but I'm not empty." It's so much like what happened to my truck. A part of my truck broke, but somehow in that, it actually makes my driving habits and gas management better than ever before. I have felt so broken so many times along the motherhood journey. Women's bodies were created to conceive and bring forth life. It's an amazing and beautiful thing. I love to see pregnant women with a full belly just glowing with new life. I will be honest, even after all this time that still can make me tear up. Looking at a sonogram still pulls at my heartstrings. Hearing coworkers share birthing experiences still makes me uncomfortably silent. I am still very much broken. My body, my heart, my spirit at times. Before I allowed my heart to know God, to truly know His goodness, I was both broken and empty. All those broken feelings would eat at me. I would cry and wallow in self pity at the things I couldn't experience. Isn't that human flesh? If you have lost a spouse, parent, or child, I'm sure you can relate. It's so easy to let brokenness turn to emptiness and distance from God. What I have come to realize is that you can be broken and still learn to let God use you, maybe even more than before. It's that brokenness that led me to Dani Marie. My greatest joy was truly born from my deepest pain. God uses broken. He uses it every single day. Broken often can show Him to others in a way that perfect never could. When my gas lever worked, I'd push the limits and occasionally end up on the side of the road and out of gas. Once it was broken, it made me desire to keep my tank far from empty. It's broken, but my tank is now closer to full at all times. My heart is the same way. Parts of me will forever be broken by the loss and hurt that infertility has caused, but my life and heart are now so full for the very same reason. That brokenness allows me to be who God made me to be. I wasn't made to be a mom posting a gender reveal, sharing a sonogram, or hearing the heartbeat of a bouncing baby growing inside me. That part of me was broken in order for God to use me to be Dani Marie's mom, an advocate for life, a friend to the hurting couple who can't see past their pain, and a reminder that God truly can work ALL things for good. That makes my life and my heart so much more full than it ever was before. 

So, my answer to her question....."I will always be broken. It will never go away, but I'm so thankful for it. I'm broken, and because of that I'm full. My heart's tank is full to the brim with God's goodness." 

I love y'all!