Chapter 59- "Broken, not Empty"

 Hello!! I hope 2022 is treating you wonderfully! January has come and stayed, stayed, and stayed. It is almost over. My teacher friends who haven't been paid since mid December will agree this is by far the longest month of the year. It's been a while since I wrote, but the Lord placed something on my heart. I promised him a while back when he did that, I'd stop and share. Here you go: 

    I have been driving the same Toyota Highlander since Dani Marie was 4 months old. It was brand spanking new when I bought it. That was almost ten years ago. The thought of upgrading has entered my mind a time or two, but I am a huge fan of driving something that's paid for. I'm about to be real transparent. Of my many flaws, driving my truck past E has always been one. I know there are those super prepared people who never let a tank fall below 1/2 full. I so would love to be one of you. I'm the polar opposite. Don't believe me? Ask my sweet daddy how many times he has met me with a gas can. I am really busy, so I often think I can go a little more without the inconvenience of taking the time to stop and get gas. My Toyota has a perfectly working gauge that tells me how far until empty. Except it's not accurate. I have learned through for lack of a better word "experience" that 20 miles until empty, actually is more like 31-34. It's super irresponsible to not take the time to stop and fill up well before getting to that point, but I don't "like" to stop and pump gas. So, I have pushed it more than a couple of times and ended up having to call for some gas. Except it's been a while since that has happened.. I'd love to say it's because I have matured into realizing that not pushing the limits of my gas tank reserve is a responsible adult thing to do. But, that is not the reason. The real reason is.....my lever that pops my gas tank open broke. Yep. Just quit working one day. A day when I was already well past empty. After ten minutes, I finally figured out that if Dani Marie would climb into my seat and pull the lever up while I simultaneously pulled on the little door by the gas tank, it would still pop open. I could run get a new car or get it fixed, but I have realized it has actually forced me to be more mindful of my gas situation. Now, I realize that I need to keep at least half a tank all the time because I have to fill up when I have Dani Marie with me. I don't want to chance having to stop at the station by myself with no way to open my tank now that the lever is broken. So, I am filling up more often and making sure to not be where I "have to" get some gas when I'm alone without someone to help me tag team the broken gas lever. I laughed the other day when I realized it had been so long since I had "accidentally" gone a little too far before stopping to get gas. It occurred to me that this small part of my car being broken had actually forced me to do a better job of being a responsible driver and keeping the amount of gas in my truck that I should have all along. Isn't that odd? Something breaking actually making a situation better? 

Not really.... It's exactly how God works in our hearts and lives sometimes. I have had the amazing privilege of counseling several couples and ladies going through infertility. A few months ago, a sweet girl struggling with deciding between infertility treatments and adoption asked me one of those "point blank" type questions that really make you think. She said, "When did you stop feeling broken? When you got Dani Marie did it fix your broken? Or when?" I took a long look inside my heart and then answered my honest answer. "I'm still broken. I will always be broken. I'm broken, but I'm not empty." It's so much like what happened to my truck. A part of my truck broke, but somehow in that, it actually makes my driving habits and gas management better than ever before. I have felt so broken so many times along the motherhood journey. Women's bodies were created to conceive and bring forth life. It's an amazing and beautiful thing. I love to see pregnant women with a full belly just glowing with new life. I will be honest, even after all this time that still can make me tear up. Looking at a sonogram still pulls at my heartstrings. Hearing coworkers share birthing experiences still makes me uncomfortably silent. I am still very much broken. My body, my heart, my spirit at times. Before I allowed my heart to know God, to truly know His goodness, I was both broken and empty. All those broken feelings would eat at me. I would cry and wallow in self pity at the things I couldn't experience. Isn't that human flesh? If you have lost a spouse, parent, or child, I'm sure you can relate. It's so easy to let brokenness turn to emptiness and distance from God. What I have come to realize is that you can be broken and still learn to let God use you, maybe even more than before. It's that brokenness that led me to Dani Marie. My greatest joy was truly born from my deepest pain. God uses broken. He uses it every single day. Broken often can show Him to others in a way that perfect never could. When my gas lever worked, I'd push the limits and occasionally end up on the side of the road and out of gas. Once it was broken, it made me desire to keep my tank far from empty. It's broken, but my tank is now closer to full at all times. My heart is the same way. Parts of me will forever be broken by the loss and hurt that infertility has caused, but my life and heart are now so full for the very same reason. That brokenness allows me to be who God made me to be. I wasn't made to be a mom posting a gender reveal, sharing a sonogram, or hearing the heartbeat of a bouncing baby growing inside me. That part of me was broken in order for God to use me to be Dani Marie's mom, an advocate for life, a friend to the hurting couple who can't see past their pain, and a reminder that God truly can work ALL things for good. That makes my life and my heart so much more full than it ever was before. 

So, my answer to her question....."I will always be broken. It will never go away, but I'm so thankful for it. I'm broken, and because of that I'm full. My heart's tank is full to the brim with God's goodness." 

I love y'all!