Chapter 31: Walking and Waiting

Chapter 31: Walking and Waiting J

                Hello there!!! I feel like it has been a lifetime since I shared with y’all. I hope each of you are doing well. I have some big news…..

We are walking!!! I mean full-out walking! It is so precious to watch. She has been toddling just a tad for about a month, but the last couple of weeks our lady has really taken off. I’m telling y’all, chasing after this girl is the best diet I have been on.

Needless to say the past few weeks have been full of following Dani Marie around the house. Her huge personality is really beginning to shine. She wakes up smiling and continues to grin all day long. She is such a social butterfly. Everywhere we go she waves and tells anyone who will stop to listen, “ Hey, hey there!” She has gone from being our tiny baby to our bubbly, independent, and mobile toddler. It’s amazing how quickly time passes.

Today Dani Marie had a blood test done. Let me back up a little bit…… Dani Marie’s birth parents are amazing. We only met them one time, but they were so thoughtful and attentive in their preparation for our adoption. Even at a young age they both exhibited maturity far beyond their years. As the final papers were being signed, both parents filled out a complete medical history. This allowed us to be made aware of a condition that Dani Marie’s birth father had. I won’t go into the details, but it’s a type of blood disorder. The disorder is hereditary, so Dani Marie has a chance of having it. She was tested today. The lab told us the pathologist would need to review the results, so it could be as late as Monday before we know anything.

Monday!!!! Really? I want to be honest. I was so anxious before, during, and after the test.  It was just a little blood test, but it was on my baby. I mean, stick me all day long, but medical testing on my baby…I’m not a fan. We knew that we would need to get the testing done as soon as Dani Marie was old enough. We knew this was coming, but it still doesn’t make the anxiety any better. I kept repeating in my mind today, “Be anxious for nothing” I know my sweet God was calling that scripture to my mind. When I inquired about when we would know the results, I was hoping for today or possibly tomorrow. Monday????? My initial thought was, “ Oh no, I will worry and have anxiety all weekend.” As I drove away from the hospital though, I talked to God. One thing that I have learned over the past few years is that it is vital for Christians to keep things in perspective. When I thought of it as, I’m waiting on test results…important test results, that potentially have the ability to alter Dani Marie’s quality of life, I mean if she does have the disorder, would it be mild? Severe? Moderate? When would we know? What happens then? I was overwhelmed and afraid, and I was so anxious. I stopped myself. I knew that feeling so well. It was almost too familiar to me. I lived in that state for years. It was that feeling of needing to know, needing an immediate answer, waiting on tests, results, doctors. That got me nowhere. I spent years doing that. Pushing away the One who held all the answers. I promised myself this would be different. I reminded myself that I am not waiting on test results, I am waiting on God to reveal the next step in His plan. A peace came over me. It felt good to just let go of the worry. I felt almost silly. Ashlee, have you not learned? Surely you of all people know that God’s plan is perfect. He knew Dani Marie long before you did. He knit her together in her birthmother’s womb to become your daughter. He knew way back in the beginning of your struggle that your answer would come. Even when you cried to Him in anger, screamed at Him in rage, turned away from Him in doubt, he was preparing the way for His precious gift. Have you not learned that drugs, doctors, and test results don’t decide your future? They are merely a tool used as God reveals His will.

 Psalms 27:14 - Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

My prayer tonight:

God strengthen my heart. Remind me over the next few days that I am not waiting on test results. I am waiting to hear from you. I have learned that you are mighty to deliver us. I pray for the results we are hoping for. I pray that your mighty hand covered Dani Marie and protected her from inheriting this medical condition, but God tonight I pray your will be done. I know you hold the future, I know even if you don’t deliver us from this, You will give us the strength to handle what comes next. You are my King, I will ever praise you!

Amen

I just wanted to share where I find myself tonight. I know that like us so many of you find yourself waiting. I hope you too will cling to God’s promises.

Please lift our precious miracle in your prayers once again. Over the next few days, if you think of it please remember us in prayer. I will update you with the results soon, but as for now…We wait, and there is comfort in knowing just Who we are waiting on.

Goodnight!

Love you all!

Chapter 30 - "No, No, no", - Anguish of My Soul"

Chapter 30 : “No, no, no, - Anguish of My Soul”

 

It has literally been forever since I have written a blog entry. Life with a very active 14 month old leaves little time to do much of anything. I want to update you all on our sweet Dani Marie.

She is into EVERYTHING. She is walking a few steps at a time, and Oh me! Sister loves to talk. She is so chatty! Her first phrase, (proud softball coach moment) was said as we threw a ball to her. She held it up and plain as day said, “I got it!” She now has four of the most precious little teeth, and she knows how to use them. So much has changed over the past few months, but one thing is still the same. She smiles all the time. She never meets a stranger.

Now, we have had to introduce her to , “No, No”. I know, I know, it broke our hearts. She still has that stubborn streak we first saw in the NICU. She means to do what she wants to do. We have to tell her, “No, No” when she is pulling down curtains, trying to eat spiders (long story), throwing things at people, and investigating plug-ins. She puts her head down flat on the floor and proceeds to develop the sweetest crocodile tears. She knows how to work it. This girl is so stubborn. She knows what it means now to give a “kissy”. She refuses to give you one when you ask. We beg her all day for a kiss. She refuses. When we finally give up and leave it alone, she will plant one on us at the most random moments.

Now, for the meat of this blog entry and what God laid on my heart to share. I have been guilty lately of having a big fat pity party for myself. Life has just handed me a few lemons lately, and it has been easy to slide off of the mountain top. I have let my heart stray from the goodness of God and linger on the faulty flesh of people. He has reminded me this week that my faith should always rest in His mercy and not on human flesh. That’s a a tough pill to swallow at times.

Dani Marie continues to be my ever present reminder of not only what God has given me but of Who God is. Last week, I sat on the couch and I just started crying. It had been a busy, hectic day. My feelings were hurt. I sat down on the couch and I started to cry. Dani looked up at me with those crystal eyes almost confused. I told her, “ Dani Marie, Mommy is fine. It’s fine.” I know she doesn’t understand what fine means, but she knows exactly what tears mean. She crawled over to me, patted my leg, and said, “No, No”. I scooped her up, and prayed out loud a prayer of forgiveness. I asked God to forgive me for letting the weight of everyday life get to me. I of all people should know that God is powerful and faithful. I went to my computer and read Chapter 1 and 2 of the blog. It was a wonderful reminder of what I have to be thankful for. I thought back to those not so long ago nights that I cried out when my soul was in anguish. God took care of that, and Dani Marie was exactly right, “No, No”. No tears, no sorrow, no worries, they don’t belong in the heart or on the face of a child of the King.

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

 

God’s ways are not the world’s ways.

My prayer this week is a simple one. I pray that God helps me to say, “No, No” to the worries of this world. My song of worship to him is,

Take my heart Lord, take and seal it,

Seal it for thy courts above!

If you are being weighed down by the earthly things this week, I pray for you. Let’s give it to God. My challenge to you and myself is to…the moment worry, fear, or doubt creep into your mind and heart, simply shake your head and say, “No,No”. There is no room for those things here.

I love y’all!

 

P.S. Happy 4^th of July tomorrow! Be safe! God Bless America!!!!

Chapter 29 : Dancing and Dedication

Chapter 29 “ Dancing and Dedication”

Hey there!!!! Time is passing so quickly these days! It’s hard to believe I only have two weeks until summer vacation! I have so many things planned for little lady this summer. Swimming lessons, 1^st airplane ride, beach vacations, movie dates, etc. We can’t wait!

I have to tell y’all Dani Marie loves to dance! She has music flowing through her veins! I guess it may be a good thing that she didn’t have any chance of inheriting my lack of musical talent. She loves to dance and sing! Look out world; she may be the next American Idol. We love to laugh at her dancing. She “throws her hands in the air, and waves them like she just don’t care” on command. It is so precious.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. It is also child dedication at Gaston. This day is one that I longed for, hoped for, and then hurt for on so many occasions. I said for years that having child dedication on Mother’s Day almost seemed like salt in an open wound for a barren woman. I still pray for the people that hurt for so many reasons on this day, the ones who have lost mothers or babies. I know that God will give them the strength they need to make it through. I also hope that many people tomorrow will find hope and healing in Dani Marie’s story. She is our living proof that God’s plan far surpasses anything we could dream up.

I begged and pleaded with God for so many years to help our fertility treatments work. I cried out to him to heal my body. It never occurred to me to simply ask for His will. His will was to fix not my broken body, but my broken heart. He wanted to send me the most perfect little girl.

Tomorrow my husband and I will stand before our church and family. We will dedicate our Dani Marie to the Lord. We will pledge to give her back to him. I am so humbled at the thought of this. God handpicked her for us. He sent us the biggest heart in the tiniest of bodies. As I picked out pictures for the slideshow I looked back at the very first images of our hero. Her body was beyond tiny. Her ribs were so visible, tubes were everywhere, her skin was transparent, her lungs unable to function without machines, but she had those same eyes, the ones that she still has. Even when her body was tiny and frail her spirit was strong. She is perfect for us. God knew this. He knew exactly what we needed and He delivered her to us in His time. I am honored to dedicate her to the Lord. I hope so many things for her. I hope she always loves laughing. I hope she loves learning. I hope her friends will feel more like sisters. I hope she finds her prince without having to go through too many frogs. I hope she knows the joys of motherhood someday. I hope she always loves dancing.

Dani Marie,

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger

May you never take one single breath for granted

God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking

Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making
Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter

When you come close to selling out reconsider

Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

 I love this song. I hope so many things for my baby girl. I will dedicate her to God in the morning, because my greatest hope for her is to know His love, his perfect love. He used her to remind me how perfectly, graciously, and faithfully he loves his children. More than anything, I hope she has a heart for Jesus.

Happy Mother’s Day to my mother~ and to Dani Marie’s birth mother. You two ladies have blessed me beyond measure. You two ladies have made the biggest impact on my life.

I love y’all,

Ashlee

 

P.S. I have found the best mascara! We all know I needed a great waterproof mascara with all the crying I do these days! Avon Super Shock waterproof! It’s the bomb!!! ( No I don’t sell Avon, it's a free plug.  )

Chapter 28-The time of our lives

Chapter 28 “The time of our lives”

 

                Well yesterday our precious Dani Marie turned 1 !!! Can you believe that? A year has flown by so quickly. We soaked every moment of her birthday up! Papa, Dani, and I enjoyed the morning at the circus. It was so much fun to watch her bright blue eyes light up and see her giggle . I thought about this time last year all day. It wasn’t even until 11:00 pm I knew my angel had arrived in the world, and it wasn’t until April 13^th the next morning when I found out she was really ours.

 

                Some every day events are hard for me to recall. I can’t even remember what I wore two days ago or where I put my keys, but that day….that phone call, the message…. I remember every detail a year later just like it happened yesterday.

                I was so tired, literally exhausted not just from being up all night praying, but from months and years of hoping without seeing, of loss, of empty arms. I had prayed all night that somehow the birth parents would choose us. My heart wanted to hope, it wanted to believe, but parts of it just couldn’t. I had decided a few months prior that I just wasn’t meant to be a mother. I was face down on my bathroom floor and crying to God in anger for turning his back on me. I still get chills when I think of that night I gave up on God. It was December, I cried from failed fertility attempts, I cried from exhaustion, and I quoted scripture back to God as if He hadn’t written it. “Ask and it shall be given unto you.” “Seek and ye will find” “”The desires of my heart?” I had clung to these very verses for years. I decided that night that God would not make me mother, and so I told him in the most hateful, cruel, selfish way to quit hurting me. “Just stop, just take it away… Take away my desire to be a mother! If you bring me home to a childless house every night, then take it away from my heart!!! Harden my heart; I don’t want to hurt anymore.” My heart breaks now, because I know at that very moment when I was trying to throw in the towel, Dani Marie had already been conceived. God knew I needed to just hold on a little longer.

Fast forward….

                So all night, I prayed that the tiny baby fighting for her precious life would become mine, but part of my heart had become hardened. Even though I prayed and I hoped, parts of me never really believed it could happen. I did what I had become good at doing. I prepared for the worst. I had learned that when you want, and you hope, that is when it hurts the most. I thought I had learned to outsmart pain. You see, if I never let my heart truly think it could be, well then when it didn’t work out, I would be able to handle it.

                April 13^th, I drove to work. I didn’t wear makeup, because I knew that when I heard it didn’t work out yet again, I would tear up. I prayed for God to help my heart to understand that the other family that was chosen had hurt like we hurt. They wanted a baby as badly as we did. I asked God to help me find a way to be happy for them.

                There I went again, telling God how to handle my heart……Silly me!

                At about 10:30 that morning as I stood in the hall with my friends, my world changed forever. It’s amazing that one simple text message can change your life, but that’s exactly what happened. It took just a second for everything to process. “Come meet my daughter??!!????” Those beautiful, sweet words I had long given up on…..My daughter!!!! Every wall I had built around my heart suddenly crashed down. I’m so glad my God didn’t give up on me, when I tried to give up on Him.

                Today, a year later….I’m preparing for a ladybug themed birthday party. She has the perfect monogrammed outfit, tons of decorations, an elaborate cake, and too many presents. As hectic as this morning is preparing for the special event, I never let myself get to busy to slow down, stop, and reflect on what she has given us. She has brought us a lifetime of joy in 12 short months.

                Pics of party………Very soon!!!

Love y’all!

Chapter 27 Silly Rabbit, Easter is for Jesus!

Silly Rabbit, Easter is for Jesus!

          Hello!!! Easter has always been one of my very favorite holidays. I love everything about Easter. The spiritual message brings me so much hope; the secular activities are always so fun and make me excited for spring. Easter like so many things feels different this year. I have always celebrated the resurrection of Jesus from a certain perspective. I have been moved and humbled by the sacrifice Jesus made for me as a Christian. The Easter drama at our church always leaves me with tear-filled eyes as I reflect on how much Christ loved us.

     This year the Easter message touches me as it always has but in a whole new way. You see this year during the Easter drama and as I read over the Easter story, I saw it with a new pair of eyes, the eyes of a parent. How incredible the love of our Heavenly Father is. As I watched the Easter drama portrayed this year, I saw Christ, not only as my Savior but as God’s Son. I saw God as a dad. As his son’s body was beat, his clothes were ripped, and the crowd screamed in anger, I thought of what our God had allowed to happen for us, for me. I think of how defensive I am over my precious daughter. My heart broke for God. He sacrificed his perfect, holy son. He watched as he gave his life, as he was tortured, and cried out in pain. I can’t imagine the horror or the hurt that He felt. As a parent, I’m sure He longed to take the pain away, to stop the cruelest injustice this world has ever known; Knowing all the while, that He had the power to stop it. He could say the word and it would all go away. When Jesus prayed in agony asking His Father to allow this cup to pass from him, how that had to be so painful for God. This year the Gaston Easter Drama was perfectly titled, “What Love is this?” That title kept echoing in my mind. As I heard the hammer beat the nails, as I thought of my many sins and failures. I realized that God loves me so much. Jesus gave his own life for our ransom. I have always known that, and celebrated it, but this was the first time I saw God not only as a mighty, powerful, victorious King in this story, I saw him a parent. A parent who loved me an unworthy sinner so much, that He was able to make the most amazing sacrifice. What Love is this? It’s a love like no other.
     The Easter bunny will visit us, we will dye Easter eggs, and we will wear 1 of our 4 Easter dress choices to church. These are things that I anticipate with a happy heart, but these are NOT the things that will make this Easter for me. The Easter bunny, sweet and cuddly as he is has never done anything for me. He won’t get the glory in our house. Jesus, Son of a Mighty God, will be the hero of the holiday.

 The grave could not hold our KING! Happy Easter!!!

  P.S. – Can you believe I have been busy planning a 1st birthday party?????? Wow, hard to believe…. More to come on that soon! Love y’all!

Chapter 26- This World

Chapter 26 – This World

Happy Hump Day!!! I hope you are all having a great week.

Something is weighing heavy on my heart tonight, so why not share it with y’all!

I will start with the good news….. Dani Marie, after about a month of saying, “Dada, Dada” finally said, “Ma Ma, Ma Ma”. It was such sweet music to my ears. Softball season is underway, and my team played our first double header Tuesday night. This meant the only time I laid eyes on my daughter while she was awake was during the 10 minute drive to my mom and dad’s house before school. Daniel told me that night when he had her she was saying, “Ma, Ma”. I kind of dismissed it, thinking maybe he was pulling my leg to help my feelings.  The next morning when I turned on her light to wake my sleepy head up, I said, “Hey my Dani Ree Ree!!”, and then she did it. She lifted her arms and said, “ Hey Ma Ma!” Plain as day. You guessed it, I cried!!!!  Her face so sweet and innocent, so precious……

 

This brings me to the more discouraging issue. Recently, I have had my eyes opened to how cruel this world can be. Sometimes I get wrapped up in living in my little miracle bubble, and the world seems like a wonderful place. I think seeing God’s hand work so closely in my life, has caused me to look for the good in all things now. This is a blessing and at times a curse.

I want to believe I am raising this tiny lady in a world that is good and safe. A world where people are good, and where they follow the golden rule. People seek to serve, and they don’t look to throw stones. A world slow to judge and quick to defend. A world where people seek to find the good in others, not rejoice in malicious attacks of their neighbor. Sadly, this is not the world we live in.

How do you prepare those innocent sweet eyes, for the world? My heart already breaks for the first time that those big beautiful eyes fill with tears over the betrayal of a friend, the hurtful words of a classmate, or the negative comments of another. I don’t want her spirit broken. I want to protect her from hurt.

How? I wish I could keep her right where she is now, so she never knows hurt.

I’m scared. I’m scared to death of what will come.

I was feeling defeated and terrified earlier today. The adult issues I deal with reminding me just how mean people can be. Dani Marie’s testimony has touched so many people. Literally hundreds of people have reached out to us and told us how inspired they were by her story. Each time I receive an email, phone call, or meet someone who has heard her story~I’m reminded how good our God is. He took the mess I was, the mistakes I have made, the human faults I have and he chose to use me and the struggle to help tell of his love. His grace, mercy, and goodness, I feel so unworthy at times. I have to be honest, there are still times when I feel undeserving of this gift. The devil has had a big time with these feelings this week. He has used the hurtful words and whispers and false judgments of others to remind me of some of the most painful moments on my journey to motherhood. Moments that still feel at times like open wounds. It makes me discouraged and disappointed in people. I was letting these feelings get the best of me when I went to scripture tonight. As always, God’s word did not disappoint. I read verse after verse that reminded me that even though people can try to stay in the way of God’s will and his powerful witness, He will prevail. I looked at Judas, who betrayed Jesus. God used that evil to bring about the greatest good.

If I have learned anything over the last year, it’s that God still uses people for His will. He still heals, He still performs miracles. He hasn’t given up on “people” yet. He still looks down at this cruel world that has turned so far from him, and finds the good.

This encourages me tonight. When it feels like people rejoice in evil and try to tear down what God has built up, I know what I need to do. My first reaction was fear. Afraid for this world to corrupt those huge innocent blue-eyes, but then I realize that it’s those bright blue innocent eyes that should remind me that there is still good in this world. There is still hope. My first reaction is to teach my daughter to be defensive and build walls to protect her from being hurt. That is not right. Instead, I need to teach her that even though the world may be cruel and hurt, love is still the greatest weapon we have. The devil and people who run others down in order to build themselves up, they don’t see that. They have to live in fear. Their strength may come from the destruction of others, but it is only temporary. We as Christians know that this world is not our home. We know how the story ends. God wins. Love wins. There is still good in people. It may seem rare, hard to find at times, but it is there. So, as hard as it may be, I won’t teach her to fear, to protect, to guard herself from others, but I will teach her to love, to search for good, to forgive, to hope, and who knows maybe instead of this world changing the innocence in her eyes, her innocence will change the world.

I’m clinging to this verses tonight.

Rom 12:2: Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

 

John 16:33: “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

 

Parenting is a learning experience! Prayers appreciated J

Love you all!

Chapter 25 - This too shall pass

So today has been one of those days, you know the ones where you want to just throw a big fat pity party for yourself. Ever had a day that leaves you questioning everything you do? A day where it feels like hardly anyone is in your corner? A day where everything seems to go wrong?

Well today was that day for me. I'm a teacher and a coach, needless to say I don't make a lot of money. I definitely didn't choose this profession to become rich. If teachers/coaches were paid by the hour, by the time you figure in all the extra planning, practicing, conferencing etc. it would work out to be about 25 cents an hour. Coaching in particular is often a thankless and lonely job. So, as I was saying~this was a particularly trying day. I was getting caught up in the tiny details of what didn't go my way today as I drove home from practice. It was a long, tiring day. I felt defeated and discouraged.
God decided to send me a little perspective.
I walked in at my parents' house, and I was greeted with the most precious smile from a beautiful blue-eyed doll. Today though, she was CRAWLING! Crawling! This may not seem big to y'all, but for us it is huge. We have done exercises for the past few months in order to "strengthen her core" as instructed by occupational therapists who access our preemie's progress. Months of daily exercises, the same routine. We worked on this, her Granna worked on this, but for a while Dani seemed perfectly content just sitting and laughing. But today, February 20, 2013~she crawled.
I cried and I kissed her. The thing is I had been so consumed with the tiny details of the day. Things that seemed so huge and worth worrying over, but suddenly only one thing was on my mind.
God used that moment, to remind me what is really important.
As I loaded her up and drove home, I couldn't help but smile. I thought to myself, what a great day!!!
Granted thirty minutes prior, I was stressed and confused. I allowed myself to be consumed with negative thoughts and minor dilemmas.
But in true Dani (miracle girl) fashion, this little blessing reminded me what is valuable. I thought to myself about all the times that I let the burdens of infertility and loneliness consume me, and how God so faithfully sent me Dani Marie to deliver me from those. I thought about the words, "This too shall pass." I decided that I more than anyone should know how true this phrase is. Sure, maybe if I had never seen God's mighty hand at work I would have a reason to be bogged down by earthly issues and unimportant problems. I spent years longing for a child, begging to have the pain of infertility removed from me. God delivered me from this, through a tiny 2 lb blessing. Should I of all people not know that God is still our Deliverer? In the biggest trials, and also in the smallest trials.  I'm so thankful that my heavenly Father is so patient and faithful to gently send a reminder that I have been blessed enough to receive a modern-day miracle. Almost as if God said, " My child don't you remember, this too shall pass?"

I'm so thankful for this wonderful, daily reminder that we serve an Awesome God!!!!

Love y'all!
Kisses and Hugs