Chapter 5 ( Showers of Blessings )

Chapter 5 (Showers of Blessings )

These are a few pictures from my first baby shower! I have to pinch myself to make sure this is not all still some dream. “My baby shower” that phrase is music to my heart. Over the past few years I have attended many baby showers and even hosted a few. I have always tried to prevent my heart from ever getting bitter or jealous. For the most part, I did a fantastic job of really keeping those feelings of jealousy and emptiness away during our years of struggle to have a child. It is a very hard feeling to describe to someone who hasn’t longed for a child. When a friend or loved one shares the news that they are expecting it’s often bittersweet. You are so happy for the precious gift they have been given, but it is also a painful reminder of what you still don’t have.

Baby showers or even wedding showers can be a source of raw emotion for someone who is waiting on the Lord. Whether you are waiting for a husband, a child, or the Lord’s healing hand in some other way, I want to encourage you tonight. I have learned over the last several weeks that God’s timing is perfect. His blessings come right on time. His plan for our lives far surpasses any that we could come up with.

A month ago, I was broken hearted and discouraged because God wasn’t giving me what I wanted the way I wanted it or when I thought I had to have it. But this week I am celebrating His perfect plan. He gave me what I needed, the way he wanted me to have it, when I finally could trully appreciate the gift.

So this week as  I sat surrounded by sweet co-workers, family, and friends, I was reminded of an old hymn that I have not thought about in years.

The hymn is titled, “Showers of Blessings”

Showers of blessing,
Showers of blessing we need:
Mercy-drops round us are falling,
But for the showers we plead.

There shall be showers of blessing,
If we but trust and obey;
There shall be seasons refreshing,
If we let God have His way.

These words have never been more true. I’m so thankful for the “shower” this week, it was just another reminder that the road that led us to Dani Marie was the perfect path for our lives. God knew where he was leading me, even when I at times refused to follow. He was patient and faithful to bring us to our amazing little lady.

Chapter 4 ( Pray without Ceasing )

So, I have been a parent for the good part of 9 days now. It has been the most wonderful and frightening experience of my life, all at once. I have learned a very valuable lesson over the last few days. Pray without ceasing!

The past few days have been wonderfully scary! Does that make a bit of sense? Without getting into the details, I will just say that one of our neighbors in the NICU didn’t make it this week. My heart broke for that family! Can you imagine? The hospital we are in is fantastic, but I’m sure many of you are painfully aware that sometimes there is just nothing that can be done to save a loved one. This is the case in even the smallest of patients. This was a painful reminder that not for even one-minute can we stop praying for our daughter. We must constantly pray for God’s strength and healing hands to surround her.

I have become prone to overwhelming moments lately. As I sat in the hospital room holding my precious miracle, I had one of those moments. I held her and I cried for the family who had lost their baby, I cried for friends who have had children taken from them. I cried for friends who still have not been blessed with parenthood. I just cried. I realized that I had to constantly pray and pray without ceasing until we get out of the NICU. Then I realized once we get out of the NICU, I will need to pray and pray without ceasing until we finish all our follow-up appointments. Then I thought about how we would have to pray and pray without ceasing as we start school. Then before my mind flashed all the scary things kids are exposed to way too early and I realize I need to go ahead and start praying for my daughter to have a heart for Jesus at an early age. Then I even thought about the scary idea of her learning to drive one day! If you are from North Mississippi and you have been on the road lately you know how scary that thought is. Then I just realized that I would not be able to protect her from every thing I want to, but I can and forever will pray for her without ceasing. As a  parent, there is never a day or moment that you don’t need to go to the Lord and pray for his protection for your child. I decided that even though being a parent is scary, thank God I have my precious Lord who has shown he is on my side. As scary as all those thoughts were, imagine if I didn’t know who holds her future? So, now I know how I will raise her……on my knees. My God has shown me in a matter of days that there is nothing he can’t do, and what an overwhelming peace that gives me as a brand new mom.

I promised this blog would be a happy one…..I know that was just some deep stuff, so I want to leave you on a lighter note…..My tiny 2 pound lady does not like to lay on her tummy. In fact sometimes she down right refuses to do so. This is her doing a downward dog pilates maneuver in order to keep from laying on her belly.

Look at the strength in those little legs!!! Yes people, we have a fighter on our hands! More to come! Love you all

Chapter 3 ( A Mother's Heart)

Chapter 3 ( A Mother’s Heart)

I first want to thank everyone for the wonderful response you have given to this blog. I have received so many kind words of encouragement since my first post. So many of you have shared intimate and personal stories with me about your own struggles and journeys. I want to tell each of you that I have learned  from our experience, God’s plan is perfect and prayer is powerful.

Sunday was an amazing day this week!!! I got to really hold my sweet baby girl. We got to experience an awesome thing called skin to skin time. This is where the baby is placed on your chest for about 15 minutes. The nurses and doctors say that it really helps with bonding. Our nurse explained that there is an amazing difference in the body of a woman and a man. A mother’s body will heat up quickly to warm the newborn baby when placed on her chest. A dad can do skin to skin, but his chest will not have the same response, so when the baby is still struggling to regulate their own temperature the father can only hold the baby for a limited amount of time. I was worried about how I would respond. I started to think, “ Oh, no what if I can’t hold her long, because even though I’m a woman, I’m not technically her birth mother. I was afraid I wouldn’t warm up the way she needed me to. Soon after my sweet Dani Marie had been placed on my chest, I began to feel myself get hot. I could feel my skin get warmer and warmer. True tears of joy filled my eyes. Our nurse said, “ See, I told you she would know who her mommy was.” I thanked the Lord for giving me a mother’s heart. Even this little detail he had foreseen. In that moment I thought back over the last few years, and I was so thankful for decisions we had made to be honest about our struggle, those decisions led us to our child. A child that I knew was meant for me…..

During the times when we were experiencing our darkest days while longing for a child, I had a tough choice to make. For those of you who have ever struggled with the loss of a child or unfulfilled desire to have one, you know that words hurt. The childhood saying, “ Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is a big fat LIE. Words hurt. They just do. People can be cruel, sometimes without even meaning to do so. For the first few years I tried to brush off the questions about when we would start a family, by giving a quick, rehearsed answer of… “We like to travel.” I know it’s nothing fancy, but we really do like to travel so it seemed to satisfy the question. Then one night at a Thanksgiving function, I was told that it was time to grow up and settle down and give my parents a grandbaby. I’m sure the person who said this to me had no idea that the words would cut like a knife long after the meal was over. I talked with my parents about it that night, and my parents told me I had a decision to make. I could either continue to be guarded and generic with my cookie cutter response, or I could be honest. I could swallow my pride and just be honest. That was such a scary thought!!!!! I’m the type who likes to pretend that all is well even when it isn’t. I remember my mother telling me that she knew and trusted God enough that he would one day bring us through the struggle. She told me that if I would truly believe it too and be honest with people about it, that when the Lord delivered us in whatever way he saw fit, the testimony would be that much stronger. My mother is very wise! I decided ok, here it goes. I decided to start by simply saying, “ We already have a family, but we would love a child. When God gives us one, we will gladly accept.” It was scary to be so vulnerable the first few times I said it, but then it felt good! I let the wall down, and I learned there was nothing to be ashamed of. People also were able to start praying for us when we were willing to be honest about our struggle. I’m so glad I made the choice to let go of my pride. We found out about the private adoption and sweet Dani Marie through a dear friend, who because she knew about our struggle could be used by the Lord in a mighty way to help bring us together with our miracle.

Thanking God for allowing me to appreciate the journey and allowing Dani to literally "warm" my heart.

Chapter 2 ( Hitting my knees )

Ok, so I left you with the most important phone call of my life. Let's pick up there.

I was awake on the couch reading a Women's World magazine, it was almost 11:00 p.m. on a Thursday night. I got a phone call. I answered it. Long story short, it turns out that a baby was being placed for adoption. I hung up the phone and made a few more calls. A young mother had given birth earlier that day and would be deciding between several families who would raise her child in a private adoption.  I called my mother, sister, a few close friends, and my pastor. I woke my husband up and I filled him in. I prayed all night.

I knew we would hear the next day about the birth mother's choice. I decided to go on to work. I had learned from years of fertility treatments and false hopes that I had better prepare for the worst. All morning telling myself when I got the call that another family had been chosen, I would try to remember that they knew the pain that we knew. I prepared to try and celebrate for them, and not be hurt that it wasn't us this time.

Around 10:00 on Friday morning, I recieved a text message telling me to come and meet my daughter. In that moment the entire world faded away. I read the words, but it took a few seconds to comprehend them. I threw my phone and dropped to my knees in front of my co-workers. I began to cry out to God in praise. I thanked him over and over. One of my sweet co-workers joined me on her knees and the other ran and got her camera. They told me that I kept saying, " Thank you God, Thank you God, I never thought I would live to see this day!" I finally was able to stand. I got in touch with my husband and I headed to meet this wonderful gift.

When I arrived at the hopital where my daughter was, I found my husband already there. He is a rough, tough hunter/golfer man's man type of husband, but he was sitting teary eyed in his car waiting for me. We met the birth parents of our daughter for a few brief moments. We don't know their names and they don't know ours. Those didn't seem to be important details. We discussed a few things and we answered questions about the future. The very few details I know about the birth mother will remain private until I share them one day with my daughter. We decided to go in and see our baby all together. They made the decision that their last time to see her would be our first.  I had tried to hold back the tears, but the moment I entered the room and saw that tiny, precious baby.......I lost it. I could not hold back my tears. I grabbed the hand of the girl that I will always be in debt to for the rest of my life. I didn't know how to thank her in that moment for what she had given me. I had come to believe that I would never know a mother's love. I had decided that God had not chosen me to be a mom, but all that changed that very second. I held the birth mother's hand, and I thanked her. I told her I would pray for her everyday for the rest of my life.

In a world where adoption is often not the easiest choice to make, she loved my daughter enough to give her to a family that she knew could provide for that sweet baby. I have thought about that birth mother every day. She gave us a gift that had only been a dream.
We hugged and with tears in both of our eyes we parted ways. She told me that she was as sure of this as she had been anything in her life, that this wonderful baby was meant for me and not her.

We then played the waiting game for the legal aspect of the adoption to play out over the next 48 hours. I was a nervous mess, but I knew that God's hand was way too evident for something to go wrong.

Sunday morning at 11:00 I found out that Miss Danielle "Dani" Marie Martin was officially ours. My heart has not come out of the clouds yet. We are so in love with this amazing, tiny girl!!!
God is so good, and we have the proof sleeping at this very moment right before our eyes!!!
More to come very soon!

Chapter 1 (The backdrop)

         I never really considered myself the type of person who had anything really interesting to blog about. After recent events and several friends urging me to record these events in a blog, I have decided to give it a shot! I still don't have anything special about me that is worth blogging over, but God has done something that no blog can do justice.

I hate sad stories! I really do. I'm the person who gets fighting mad at movies that don't end the way they should, (and it doesn't help my feelings any when they include a bonus feature on the DVD with alternate endings). That is just who I am! I love fairytale endings. If I even suspect a sad ending I will turn off the movie or put down the book. I say (write?) this to tell you that this blog is a happy one! I can't get you to fully appreciate the fairytale part without back tracking to the not so happy part. So in honor of all you like me, who need a little proof that the ending is worth sticking with..............Feast your eyes on this lady:

So, I'm planning on getting very honest in this blog. It ain't all pretty, but just stick it out~the ending is amazing!

I'm sure you all know who I am. My name is Ashlee and I am a 1st Grade teacher. I absolutely love my job. I get to be with the sweetest kids all day. I know without a shadow of a doubt the Lord called me to teach children. I'm married to the sweetest man around. (most days...just kidding!) Daniel and I have been together 7 years, married for 6.

We knew having a baby might be challenging due to some health issues I have, so we decided to start a family right away. (Or so we thought) The 1st year of infertility was unpleasant, the 2nd year was miserable, the 3rd year was heart-breaking, the 4th year was almost unbearable, and the 5th year was  devastating. I won't get into the failed fertility treatments or the horrible side effects, but I will say that we tried and tried to have a baby.

We are both Christians, so after it became very clear that starting a family would be a struggle, our faith was tested. Infertility is a pain that I would not wish on my worst enemy. It strains relationships.

If someone would have told me last week, I would be thanking God for the years of infertility we struggled with, I would have called them a liar.

Here I sit tonight after the wildest, most wonderful week of my life praising God for every tear I cried, every failed treatment, and every bump in the road. I can now see his perfect plan revealed.

This past December was a very difficult time for me. A very dear friend of mine was expecting her 1st child. Daniel and I decided to try an aggressive round of fertility meds and hormones. I had decided I was going to get a baby, I believed if I just believed enough that the medicine would work. God had other plans. I remember lying on the bathroom floor violently sick after the medicine had failed. I cried out to God. I screamed and I cried. "Why? God, how can you be so cruel? You have called me to work with your children, but you bring me home to a childless house every night. I pour my heart and soul into those kids, but you won't grant my heart's desire." I was broken hearted, and I felt like God wasn't listening. I felt like I was falling on deaf ears.

I know now that at that very moment, God's plan had been placed into action. At that very moment the biological mother of our precious daughter was early in her pregnancy. My cries weren't falling on deaf ears, but were being heard by a God who had already created and woven together my Miracle.

We decided not long after that night in December to take a break. I just needed some time to clear my head. I had started looking into even more aggressive fertility treatments. I just didn't think I could put my body through any more. During this time, a friend went through a tragic loss. She "praised God all the way through her storm". I decided that if she could come through that with her faith in tact, that I could be at peace with a childless home. I didn't understand, but I had made peace with it.

About 1 week later, I got a phone call that changed my life...............