Chapter 3 ( A Mother's Heart)

Chapter 3 ( A Mother’s Heart)

I first want to thank everyone for the wonderful response you have given to this blog. I have received so many kind words of encouragement since my first post. So many of you have shared intimate and personal stories with me about your own struggles and journeys. I want to tell each of you that I have learned  from our experience, God’s plan is perfect and prayer is powerful.

Sunday was an amazing day this week!!! I got to really hold my sweet baby girl. We got to experience an awesome thing called skin to skin time. This is where the baby is placed on your chest for about 15 minutes. The nurses and doctors say that it really helps with bonding. Our nurse explained that there is an amazing difference in the body of a woman and a man. A mother’s body will heat up quickly to warm the newborn baby when placed on her chest. A dad can do skin to skin, but his chest will not have the same response, so when the baby is still struggling to regulate their own temperature the father can only hold the baby for a limited amount of time. I was worried about how I would respond. I started to think, “ Oh, no what if I can’t hold her long, because even though I’m a woman, I’m not technically her birth mother. I was afraid I wouldn’t warm up the way she needed me to. Soon after my sweet Dani Marie had been placed on my chest, I began to feel myself get hot. I could feel my skin get warmer and warmer. True tears of joy filled my eyes. Our nurse said, “ See, I told you she would know who her mommy was.” I thanked the Lord for giving me a mother’s heart. Even this little detail he had foreseen. In that moment I thought back over the last few years, and I was so thankful for decisions we had made to be honest about our struggle, those decisions led us to our child. A child that I knew was meant for me…..

During the times when we were experiencing our darkest days while longing for a child, I had a tough choice to make. For those of you who have ever struggled with the loss of a child or unfulfilled desire to have one, you know that words hurt. The childhood saying, “ Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is a big fat LIE. Words hurt. They just do. People can be cruel, sometimes without even meaning to do so. For the first few years I tried to brush off the questions about when we would start a family, by giving a quick, rehearsed answer of… “We like to travel.” I know it’s nothing fancy, but we really do like to travel so it seemed to satisfy the question. Then one night at a Thanksgiving function, I was told that it was time to grow up and settle down and give my parents a grandbaby. I’m sure the person who said this to me had no idea that the words would cut like a knife long after the meal was over. I talked with my parents about it that night, and my parents told me I had a decision to make. I could either continue to be guarded and generic with my cookie cutter response, or I could be honest. I could swallow my pride and just be honest. That was such a scary thought!!!!! I’m the type who likes to pretend that all is well even when it isn’t. I remember my mother telling me that she knew and trusted God enough that he would one day bring us through the struggle. She told me that if I would truly believe it too and be honest with people about it, that when the Lord delivered us in whatever way he saw fit, the testimony would be that much stronger. My mother is very wise! I decided ok, here it goes. I decided to start by simply saying, “ We already have a family, but we would love a child. When God gives us one, we will gladly accept.” It was scary to be so vulnerable the first few times I said it, but then it felt good! I let the wall down, and I learned there was nothing to be ashamed of. People also were able to start praying for us when we were willing to be honest about our struggle. I’m so glad I made the choice to let go of my pride. We found out about the private adoption and sweet Dani Marie through a dear friend, who because she knew about our struggle could be used by the Lord in a mighty way to help bring us together with our miracle.

Thanking God for allowing me to appreciate the journey and allowing Dani to literally "warm" my heart.