Chapter 24: Merry Christmas!!!!

I know y'all must get sick of reading about me crying. I write this blog tonight with tears of joy streaming down my face. I am overwhelmed. For years I have dreamed of this moment. It's a typical hectic Christmas Eve night for so many families. We stayed out late visiting with family, we came home and rushed to prepare for Santa's visit. As I type, Santa's elf Daniel is in the living room blowing up a 4 foot princess castle ball pit. The cutest pink stocking has been filled to the top with goodies, and chocolate chip cookies have been placed on the sweetest Christmas platter. This is so exciting! I think maybe I am more excited about this visit from Santa than I ever was as a kid. I know it may seem silly and Dani Marie won't remember this Christmas, but her daddy and I will never forget it. It isn't really the presents, cookies, stockings, or toys, but it's the joy. A kind of happiness that fills your whole heart.

My prayer tonight is for the families who aren't busy preparing for Santa to visit. The ones who like us for so many years woke up to a quiet house. I have been burdened about the recent events involving the school shooting that horrified our nation. My heart breaks for the families who had already prepared for Christmas with children they no longer have here. This night will be unimaginably difficult for them. I'm lifting those sweet families up to God in prayer during this difficult time.

I say all this to simply share what I am reminded of this year. Whether you will spend the morning watching bright eyed kids laugh, giggle, and rip into way too many presents, or you will sit quietly soaking in a Christmas that is not as happy as some in years past~please stop and remember the reason for the season. The same God who has blessed us this year beyond measure. Who despite our lack of faithfulness and our human hearts, delivered to us our greatest blessing in the most miraculous way. He is the same God who comforts those who grieve over lost loved ones, quiet homes, and broken dreams. There is HOPE in Christmas. The manger, not Santa, is where our HOPE lies.

These thoughts are humbling me tonight, and helping me to put this Christmas into perspective.

We are overjoyed to be preparing for Santa to visit our home tonight, but we are anxiously awaiting his visit~because of the birth of the King. God's perfect plan and mercy and grace have brought us to this incredible Christmas moment. This picture says it best.....

 

From our family to yours~MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Chapter 23 ( Deck the Halls!!!!)

Chapter 23 ( Deck the Halls )

Luke 2:14 “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”
Wow...... The past 7 months have been an exciting whirlwind. Time passes so quickly. It seems like we just celebrated the 4th of July with our little Firecracker. Sometimes though, certain things happen and it causes my world to stand still. I am reminded of just what exactly this wonderful miracle girl has done for us.

I love Christmas! I always have. Carols, red sweaters, candy canes, egg nog, manger scenes, Santa Claus, every bit of Christmas always filled me with joy. Our first few Christmas seasons as a married couple were bearable, even at times fun. The thing about Christmas is that it falls right at the end of the year. Christmas breaks also mark the start of a New Year. For Daniel and I, for the last few years this has served as a reminder of just how long we longed for a child. For years, I would look with hope filled eyes at the Baby's First Christmas stockings and ornaments. I told myself, " Next year, by next Christmas we will have a little someone to celebrate with." In time, all the things of Christmas just became a reminder of how quiet our house was on Christmas morning. We did the best we could. We bought presents for nieces and our nephew, we pretended to be Santa for our parents, we even sat together and exchanged gifts each year by the tree. I just remember Last December, as I mentioned in an earlier blog, was honestly the lowest point of my life. I remember putting the decorations away into their boxes with hot tears streaming down my face. I distinctly remember throwing the " O " from our stocking holder set into a big box in anger. You see, I always thought it cruel, the cute little letters that you can buy to hang your stockings from, well you can get HOPE, PEACE, or JOY. I purchased JOY the first year we were married. I planned to have a stocking to hang from the third letter soon. 7 Christmas seasons later, Daniel's stocking hung from the "J", mine from the "Y", and there in the middle an obviously empty "O". I was packing away the tinsel and the stockings. I stared at that "O" and I cried. I cried angry tears. Tears that were mad, jealous, and bitter. I looked at the large manger scene on our mantle almost in spite. I had let the "JOY" of the true meaning of Christmas become clouded by my own selfish desires to have a baby when I wanted one.

I had almost forgotten this incident, until this week. I was eager to get our Christmas decorations. I placed Dani Marie in her bouncy seat and I began to turn our house into a Christmas wonderland. I reached into box after box and pulled out decorations. I reached into the last box and there it was. The "O". I immediately went back to that moment a year ago. The last moment my hand had touched it. My eyes immediately went to the manger scene I had just put out on display. I stared at the perfect portrait of God's precious love, and for the first time in years, I felt Christmas. I felt it in my heart. Not the red sweaters, or Santa Claus, or the decorations, but true Christmas. God's love for us. His gift. It reminded me of another precious gift I had been given. I took out the "J", I hung Daniel's stocking. I tearfully hung my own from the "Y". Then I held that " O " . I held it and I cried. I placed it on the mantle. I looked over at the most beautiful face, and I cried. I talked to her like she could understand. I told her, " Dani Marie, you have saved me. You are our "O". It had to be you, it had to be now! I understand. Any other way, and we wouldn't know "JOY". She laughed!!! She laughed and she laughed. I glanced back at the manger, and I thanked God for reminding me the true meaning of Christmas.

JOY to the WORLD, the KING has COME!!!!!

Love you!

Chapter 22 ( Family )

November 12th- Dani Marie Martin is stinking 7 months old today!!! This is amazing. Time has passed so quickly.

I have so much to update you on. She is able to STAND up while holding on to her crib, couch, etc. Is that not awesome? This girl has such a spirit of determination. She is flipping over, laughing constantly, and loves to be tickled. She is such a happy lady.
She is also becoming quite the butterball. Don't take my word for it.... ( She will kill me for this when she is a teenager....I can't resist though, so cute! )

You can't help but smile when you look at that!!!

We went for a check-up with the nutritionist last week. This is how it went.......

The waiting room was busy and full of screaming babies, kids crying, and impatient parents. They called us back to the lab for measurements. We went back out, waited, and were called back. The nutritionist said, " Well my plan was to get you in and out quickly, but as I look at this growth chart.....it's interesting. It's almost completely vertical. That means Dani Marie is completely on track  for catching up in weight. She is just a little....well, a little on the short side. "
She then looked up at me pacing and said, " How tall are you? You are rather tall..." To which I chuckled and replied, " Well, I'm 5'9 but that's really neither here nor there, she is adopted." We both had a good laugh. I asked if there was anything to be concerned about. She assured me that everything was fine, but sweet Dani might be only 5'2 or 5'3. These are just estimates and who knows what she will end up looking like, but for now we can't help but smile.

Daniel and I both have dark brown hair, hazel eyes, and are very tall. We have the sweetest short, blond haired ( more like peach fuzz ), blue eyed baby. She may not look a thing like us, but she fits perfectly.

She even loves sports! Check her out, watching the basketball game with Daddy.

Who says you have to be tall to play basketball? Short, fast, future point guard in the making! :)
One of my favorite quotes:
Family isn't about sharing the same genetics, Thats being related, Family is when you love someone to death, and You would do anything for them, You trust them, Take care of them, And in Return they do the same. Its the type of bond you hold together.

I want to ask for help from my blog "family".
I'm writing this blog tonight with a heavy but hopeful heart. One of my dearest friends and a huge part of Dani Marie's life is carrying a heavy burden. Her sister was recently involved in a horrific accident and is currently suffering from traumatic injuries. She needs your prayer. I know firsthand how powerful and healing the prayers of this group can be. I'm asking you to go to the Lord on behalf of Christy and her sister Cheryl. She showed some response today. This is wonderful, but she still needs your prayers.  God has shown our family what mighty, perfect power He has. Please take time to lift this family up in prayer.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. " Romans 12:12

Chapter 21: Mercy Smiles

Hey there!!!!!! I know it has been forever since I have written a blog entry. This "mom" stuff is majorly time consuming. Let me catch you up to date fast........

1. Dani Marie is 6 months old!!! Can you believe that? 1/2 a year! Time flies when you're having fun, for sure! She weighs 16 lbs!!! She is so incredibly cute and chubby. We love her belly and her precious, healthy thighs. She SMILES all the time. This girl loves life.  Have a look.....

I know I'm partial, but really.... Cutest baby in the world!

It's amazing, she really is our hero. We went for our NICU follow-up on September 12th. The follow-up team was very impressed with Dani-bug. She is catching up fast.

Sister loves to eat! Bananas, prunes, and carrots are some of her favorites. Watching her eat is so much fun!

2. Mommy and Daddy, we are doing fantastic. I'm currently working on repairing my relationship with the Lord. I have had so many mixed emotions over the last 6 months. Dani Marie's story has given me the opportunity to reach out and share the joys of adoption, pain of infertility, and hope found only in God's perfect plan. I have been honored and incredibly humbled to exchange stories with remarkable women over the last few months. I know that God has used Dani Marie to heal our hearts and touch many lives.


Some of the emotions I have felt over the past few months are:

1. Overwhelming Amazement:
To be honest though, sharing her story has really helped me grow. At first, I didn't know exactly what to say. I just prayed and asked God to give me the words. He did. Once I started, they just seemed to flow. Telling her story still makes me tear up. I choke over the words. I think I always will. Every time I stop and take in exactly what God has given us, I am blown away. The gift, so undeserved, He gave us even after my faith and trust in Him had faltered so many times, amazes me.  I don't think that feeling will ever go away.

2. Consuming Guilt: This one I have struggled with. I have had to really work on my relationship with the Lord. The daily relationship I had with him before my mountain-top experience was damaged. I made the mistake of letting one burden consume the majority of my prayer life. For years, I let infertility and empty arms consume me. It was all I thought about, and it was nearly all I talked to God about. When I finally reached the point where I didn't think I could bear the burden anymore, well then I quit talking to God all together. I know it broke His heart. You see, He knew what was around the corner for me. He could see the entire picture. He knew that I wasn't being punished or forgotten. He knew I was being chosen to receive a precious blessing. When I think back on the years of claiming God's promises, but then becoming bitter when "the desires of my heart" weren't answered quickly enough, I feel guilty. I felt ashamed for a few months after Dani Marie came home. The devil used my realization that I have a human heart, selfish by nature, to make me hang my face in shame. I was almost embarrassed by my lack of faithfulness.

But my favorite,

3. Humbled by His Mercy:  Mercy is the thing that has truly changed my life. Even though I had given up on God answering his promise. I hate to admit it, but I had let hope slip away from me for a while. I always knew that God could make me a mother. I knew He could heal my body if He wanted to. I thought that meant I had faith. True faith would have been me knowing He could heal me, but trusting that if He didn't~it was because He had a better plan for me. The most incredible thing is that I don't have to feel guilty or ashamed. Because of this magnificent thing called mercy. God showed me that He loves me so much. I didn't deserve to be blessed beyond measure by a tiny, miracle who made my dreams a reality. I sure didn't deserve for Him to show me just how powerfully and quickly He can work when His plan has been set in motion. I'll never deserve to be Dani Marie's mother, but because of His mercy I am. He poured compassion on me, compassion that I could never earn. Undeserved, but freely given :) I'm reminded of this mercy everytime she smiles.

What a wonderful 6 months this has been!!!

Chapter 20 ( My Joy Comes in the Morning )

Chapter 20 ( My Joy Comes in the Morning )

    I had an incredible experience this week. I guess it was really just one of those regular mom moments that people can take for granted, but for me......it was amazing!

     I am still getting in the routine of getting two people ready each day instead of just one. I'm pretty easy and certainly don't spend hours on wardrobe, hair, and makeup each day. The other half of my morning duo, well she is quite the little fashion icon. Well, I have gotten into the swing of our morning schedule for the most part. Monday morning of this week I was meeting a prayer team at our school. Our pastor and student minister, along with several of us have committed to meet once a month and pray for our local schools, students, and teachers. I was running a little ahead of schedule.(surprisingly) Dani Marie and I were both ready and headed toward the door at 6:15. Right as we started to walk out, the most magnificent thing happened.................

She spit up all over my outfit. I know that probably isn't what you were expecting me to say.
I mean, I guess to a lot of people, this would have been an inconvenience at the least. I stood there for a few minutes and just stared at my clothes. This moment brought my heart so much joy. I don't know how to explain it. I just thought to myself, if someone would have told me five months ago that I would be leaving for work and have to change my clothes because a baby, MY baby spit up on them???? My heart just would not have been able to believe it.

So for that moment, I just stood still. Then in my kitchen I dropped down and praised a God who heals. The burden of infertility has become in a matter of months my greatest blessing. The path that I was determined would be the death of me, led me to my life's greatest joy. I thanked the Lord for the tiny girl, who isn't so tiny anymore. There I was..... What a sight! In the kitchen floor, holding Dani Marie, crying like a baby, and praising Jesus for spit-up. That moment reminded me that motherhood was so very real. It wasn't the idea of motherhood that I had longed for, it was the everyday "real" relationship that mothers have with their children. I do love dressing my living baby doll up every morning, (and then again 2 or 3 more times each day) I love that, but what I love even more is being a little late because I have to run in and change clothes because she spits up on me. I asked the Lord to continue to use moments like that one to bring me back down to my knees in praise.

Several verses from Psalm 30 really described everything I was feeling.......

I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up
and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
² O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
and you have healed me.

¹¹ You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth
and clothed me with gladness,
¹² that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

And my favorite....

Weeping may endure for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.

Chapter 19 ( Large and In Charge )

Hello!!!!! I wanted to update you all on how Dani Marie is doing. So much has happened since my last blog entry. We attended the NICU reunion, went for a check-up, and completely skipped a size in diapers. Whew............. This lady has been doing some growing!

We are also really starting to see her personality. There is nothing "little" about it. She already thinks she should be calling all the shots around here. She is laughing out loud! She started with just a tiny little "hee hee" a few weeks ago, but we have now progressed to a full-out chuckle. It is literally the sweetest thing I have ever heard.
She is still a fighter, that refuse to quit or be told no trait that helped her excel in the NICU........... Well....it didn't go anywhere. She now channels the inner fighter into staying awake. She isn't a big fan of going to sleep, so she gives it everything she has before she finally tuckers out. I can't complain though, once she goes down...she usually sleeps through the night. (knock on wood)

How am I? Well I'm learning. I guess that is what this parenthood thing is all about. I feel overwhelmed and confused sometimes, but overall I just feel happy. I still miss her every morning that I have to go to work, but it makes me value the time I have with her that much more.

She went for a check up the other day. She now weighs..................... 11 lbs. 13oz. !!!!! Right at 12lbs. That means she has gained 10 lbs. We love it! She is so chubby and cute!

Check this out.

She has a wardrobe that could rival any celebrity yet she prefers.....................

To rock a diaper!

Keep her in your prayers....We have a very important NICU follow-up appointment coming up on September 12th.
Love you all!!!!

Chapter 18 ( It Takes a Village)

I am an elementary teacher. This will be my 6th year teaching the most precious little children. I am always super excited to meet my class. There is something different about the way I see them this year. Don't get me wrong, I have always loved them. In fact for years they have been the children I didn't have. Sweet hugs from my school babies helped me forget sometimes how much I longed for a precious baby of my own. I guess my feelings toward my children haven't changed, it's more my feelings toward the parents. You see I always have tried to put myself in the place of my children, I've tried to be aware of their concerns and their fears. I have wiped their tears and tried my best to make them feel comfortable. I have put myself in the shoes of the struggling reader or the shy pupil, which has always allowed me to create a classroom environment where students weren't afraid to try. I try to be aware of how scared the new kid must be by remembering my days a new teacher.

The difference now is that I  never realized exactly what the parents must go through. I think about tomorrow, and my heart goes out to all the parents. How scary it must be to send your world into the care of a complete stranger. My mom is keeping Dani Marie. She is the most loving, nurturing, kind, and capable woman I know. I know every day when I leave Dani Marie with her that she will be well taken care of. I know she will be showered with kisses, hugs, and laughter. Knowing this doesn't stop the tears. I know she is fine, but I miss her just the same. So the thought of having to send my baby into the arms of someone I met only for a few minutes on orientation night......Wow! That is hard to take in. I know those days are ahead, and I know that the Lord will prepare me for them.

In the meantime, I now look at each one of my students and I know that some parent is sending me "their Dani Marie". I have always seen the 7 year old who was nervous about her first day, but now I notice the mom who is fighting back tears. I watched a dad fill out the emergency contact form. I imagined how scary it might be to trust decisions about his son's care to someone he had only known a few minutes. These 19 kids will be with me each day during the school year as much as they will be with their parents.

This new perspective makes me so thankful to live in Booneville, Mississippi. I thank the Lord that I work at a school like Anderson Elementary. I know these teachers, and I look up to so many of them. Teachers who go out of their way to cover the smallest scrape with a Barbie band-aid, because they realize that the" boo boo" hurt Sally's pride more than her knee. The teacher that gives the entire class some goldfish mid-morning, because she knows that Joe was running late this morning and didn't get a chance to eat breakfast. The kindergarten teachers who hug a little extra, the teacher on morning duty who always has the biggest smile, I have the privilege of working with these amazing people every day. I think the saying, "It takes a village to raise a child" is spot on.
I'm blessed to live in a community where I can feel good about sending my little girl to school, church, etc.
I'm very thankful for the new perspective that God has given me this year. Tomorrow morning I will start my year the way I always do, by praying for each of my students who come to me. This year I will also being praying for the parents who are letting them go.

Chapter 17 ( A Million Bucks )

Chapter 17 ( A Million Bucks )

Wow...... I can't believe the summer has come and gone so quickly! I have been shut up in the house for most of the summer with our sweet baby girl. We wanted to keep her in until she got her shots.


Well..... She had her 2 month shots today, even though she is now 3 1/2 months old, but should really only be about 3 weeks. (Confusing, right? ) Her check-up went wonderfully!!! Her heart and lungs sounded great and she weighed in at 9lbs. 15.6 ounces!!!! Can you believe how chubby she is? We are so proud. I vow I will never let her go on a diet! Too many people have prayed for every little roll that sweet girl has :) She was on the growth chart for weight, and she measured in at 21 inches long. Her motor skills are ahead of schedule. She is doing her best to try and turn over. Our tough cookie only cried a little when she got her 3 shots in her little legs. The icing on the cake to the whole checkup.....Dr. telling us, "She looks like a million bucks! "

We are so thankful to hear those sweet words. We know that so many people have been lifting her up in prayer. We will never be able to thank everyone enough for all the gifts, cards, calls, visits, and prayers they have extended to our family over the past few months.

Now that we have received a clean bill of health, we will be able to get out of the house a little more. Perfect timing, since I will be returning to work tomorrow. What a wonderful summer break we had! Before this year the perfect summer consisted of at least one spa vacation and lots of visits to the beach. Well, I haven't been soaking in the sun once this year, in fact I think I have only been out of the house a handful of times.  I can't remember the last time I had a massage or facial. I don't have a glowing tan, I don't even look well rested. The bags under my eyes are real, but so is my smile. This has been the perfect summer.

More updates soon.........

Chapter 16-In God's Time

Chapter 16 ( In God's Time)

So......I've been working on parts of this blog for quite some time in anticipation of this day. Today is July 9th, 2012. This is the estimated due date of our daughter, Dani Marie. Doctors say she should have been born sometime this week, possibly today. God said, He wanted her to be celebrating her 3 month birthday this week instead. This may not seem like a huge deal to some people, but to me it is just more proof (as if I needed any) that God runs on His own schedule.

If things had gone according to plan, according to what is considered normal......I shiver to think.... I would not be holding this miracle baby in my arms right now.

You see.... Dani Marie's birth mother was still able to conceal her pregnancy even the day she delivered. She was still able to keep this pregnancy a secret, and therefore she was not influenced by others persuading her to possibly make another choice, other than to give Dani Marie up for adoption.
She would not have been able to keep her growing belly a secret much longer.

She also told me from her own mouth, that if she had not gone into early labor, she may not have been able to go through with the adoption.

So, while any Internet resource site, medical journal, or health professional may tell you it's not advised for a baby to come into this world at 27 weeks. This means the mother is only a little over 6 months pregnant, and the risks are severe.

For Dani Marie, this was the perfect time to be born. This was the only way she could come to us, and we know with our whole hearts that she was meant to be our daughter. God knew we needed her, and He knew she needed us. He knew that despite the latest research, July 9th was not the date for Dani Marie to make her arrival, but April 12th would be the day that she forever changed the lives of so many people.

There is a saying that was given to us on a little canvas while we were still in the NICU, it is...

" They tell me you were born premature, my child,
But this is only partially true....
For in my heart you were right on time.~

At the top of this little canvas are the smallest footprints you can imagine. I can't help but cry when I look at this. Today of all days, today which was the planned day for my sweet baby to come into this world, I am so in awe of those tiny footprints. They remind me that only God's timeline matters, only his plan is perfect.

His plan for her was never easy, but God knew he had created a fighter in this baby. He knew she would find all the strength she needed to grow and thrive, He knew in watching her strength that Daniel and I would gain our own.

I know that waiting for something your heart desires can be agonizing, but I know first hand that God's plan is so perfect. He doesn't promise it will be easy, He doesn't promise us we won't hurt, but He does promise us that He knows the plans He has for us, plans for HOPE and a FUTURE.

Chapter 15 ( Daddy Day )

Chapter 15 (Daddy Day)

Wow, I'm so tired! Parenting takes a lot of patience, lack of sleep, and the ability to multi-task. I won't complain though, I LOVE every minute of it. I mean after all, when you wake up to this face at 1 a.m., how can you just go back to sleep?

She wants to play, so we play! The result, we wind up looking like this......

She finally falls asleep, and I am delirious and wide awake in the wee morning hours.
It is honestly so much fun though! She weighs 6 lbs. 6 oz. and she is now 10 weeks old.

We celebrated Father's Day this past Sunday. It was a really good day. Dani Marie and I created a photo book for Daniel. It documented the last several weeks with lots of pictures, ( maybe the Martin family should buy stock in the Wal-Mart photo department? ) and quotes about being a daddy.

We also fixed a little poem that read.....

My Daddy you were meant to be
You do the job just perfectly.
I'm tiny and small
You're big and you're tall.

I may never look like you,
but Mommy already thinks I do!
Our bond isn't flesh and bone,
but simply where our hearts belong!

Daniel loved it!

I realized how fortunate my daughter is to have a sweet daddy who loves her unconditionally. He is crazy in love with her. I think she is a little crazy about him too!

This father's day I loved on my daddy and Daniel a little extra. I celebrated how blessed I am to have them both in my life.

I also celebrated another relationship. I know Father's Day may leave some of you feeling a little empty, but we can all celebrate a relationship with our Heavenly Father.

This year my relationship with Christ has grown so much. I owe that in part to Dani Marie. She allowed me to realize that God is faithful and that He truly has a plan and purpose. The lyrics to a Hillsong praise song seemed to fit this past Sunday just perfectly for us.


You're the Father to the fatherless
The answer to my dreams
I see You crowned in righteousness
We cry glory to the King

Comforter to the lonely, the Lifter of my head
I see You veiled in majesty
We cry glory, glory, we cry glory to the King
We cry glory, glory, we cry glory to the King



This song reminds me what God is. He isn't just someone to cry out to when life doesn't go the way we think it should. He truly is the Father to the fatherless, and the answer to our dreams. I hope this year that Christ has done in your life something awesome and powerful the way he has worked in ours, if so then you know that God is the "Lifter of our head"
If this year has been a hard one, or if Father's Day leaves you feeling lost or lonely, then God for you can be "Comforter to the lonely"

That is the wonderful thing about our mighty King. He is exactly what we need, exactly when we need it.

I could go on and on, but I've got to have a nap! I can't wait for the next chapter that is already in the works. It is MY FAVORITE!!! I can't wait to share it with you!

Love you!

Chapter 14 ( Our Chosen Child )

I have so much to tell you all! This has been a very hectic and exciting week. We celebrated Dani Marie's 2 month birthday yesterday. 2 months, already!!! We are now only 1 month away from our "due date". Hard to believe as far as we have come, we still aren't technically scheduled to arrive in the world for another month. Life is going fantastically!

We are getting settled into a normal routine.......Let's be honest scratch that, we have no routine! We are just getting settled into our new normal which is flying by the seat of our brand new parenting pants and learning as we go. You know babies should come with a manual, well they do, but the problem is all the "What to expect, Baby Wise, etc." books contradict each other. We are learning.....but it is a process.

We went for our first "regular" doctor visit. Dr. Baldwin bragged on us! He thinks we are doing amazingly well. All the prayers have worked wonders on our baby girl. She weighs almost 6 pounds!!! 6 pounds!!!!  We have come a long way from 2 pounds. She is eating about 3 oz. at every feeding. We are so proud of her!

I was sitting in her nursery this morning rocking her, and I reflected on the last few months. My life has changed so much, and I have come so far in that short time. I think about and pray for all the people who have reached out to us. Since I started writing this blog to tell Dani's story, literally hundreds of people have shared their struggles, joys, and trials with us. Some of the stories are happy ones with fairytale endings, some are sad stories of loss and heartache, and some are just people looking for hope. These stories have all touched me in so many ways. They humble us, and remind us how blessed we are to have our story to share.

My heart has been burdened for some of you who have shared testimonies about feeling hopeless after losing a child or just longing to hold one. I don't have any magic words of wisdom to make your pain better, but I hope you will find comfort in Dani Marie. She is proof to us all that God still is in the miracle business. That reminds me of something that happened a few weeks ago.....

I was sitting beside Dani Marie's crib in the NICU. It had been a long day, and I was enjoying the company of my sweet baby girl. The shift change took place, and the new nurse came into the room. She started to tear up right away. She told me that she had wanted to meet me. Me? Why I asked. She went on to explain that she was a floater and worked all over the hospital. She told me she had been in the delivery room the day Dani Marie was born. She told me it was amazing. I asked her to please share more details if she could. I knew some of the details of Dani's birth, but there were holes in the story. She went on to tell me that they had worried about Dani because they weren't sure how far along her birth mother was and she was also born fully breech. Things happened fast and there was no time or way to turn her. The nurse told me it was almost like someone was guiding Dani Marie, and telling her exactly what she had to do to come out and make it just fine. That is exactly what she did. She tucked her head tightly into her chin and arrived. We both cried as we talked about all the victories Dani Marie has won since that very first day. I know that the "someone" who safely guided her into this world, is the same "someone" who has held his hands around her since her arrival. God has brought this tiny lady so far. Over the last 8 weeks, God and Dani Marie have teamed up to show us that there is no stopping the hand of the Lord when he wants something to work.

Ok, so funny story......

Daniel and I are changing Dani Marie into 1 of her 1,000 cute outfits the other day. This particular pink and white polka-dot sleeper she had worn a few times. Daniel goes to put her leg in, and the leg won't bend. Our first thought was, "Oh, no! Her leg! Something is wrong with her leg. " Upon further investigation, it turns out her leg was just too long! She had OUTGROWN the outfit!!! We laughed and tossed the sleeper aside for my nieces to use as a new baby doll outfit.

Love you all!
Keep you posted!

Chapter 13 ( Home is Where our Heart is )

Well...... This is the blog I have been anxiously awaiting. When I first wrote Chapter 1, I could only hope for and imagine what  I would get to say in later months about the day that has finally arrived.
I told you in Chapter 12 that we would probably bring her home this week, but we actually got to bring her home a little early. The past 7 1/2 weeks have come and gone quickly in a way, but have also dragged on in another sense. I have started writing this blog post many times, but I've been uncharacteristically at a loss for words. The one post I thought I would have so much to say about, has left me speechless for days.

I just keep staring at my precious tiny daughter, and my heart just swells with joy. All I can think of is...
"Be still and KNOW that I am God." This moment, this weekend, I have dreamed of it so many times, but it always seemed unattainable and just out of reach. God brought us to this moment, this moment of being able to type this blog from my home computer while watching a miracle sleep in her bassinet beside me. I'm so overwhelmed with emotion, but my mind and heart keep replaying everything that has happened. I know you are celebrating with us, and we can never thank you all enough for the prayers you have sent up on our daughter's behalf.

Several dates and days are forever imprinted on my heart. April 12th, in the morning hours our daughter was born. We didn't even know at that time, how much our lives were going to change. That night I got the call that we might possibly be chosen to be her parents. The next day on April 13th, I met with the bravest woman I have ever known. Dani's birth mother, I looked in to the eyes and held the hand of that sweet girl. I knew she had given us a remarkable gift, but it is now after nearly 2 months of falling further in love with Dani every day that I truly realize what a sacrifice she was making. A few hours after that meeting, I walked into a NICU hospital room, and I might as well of handed my heart to a tiny 2lb. baby girl. From that moment to this one, every thought I have has been consumed with her presence in our lives. On April 15th, we had our first GOTCHA Day, a day we will celebrate every year. The day that we  Got Dani Marie. The day that she legally was signed over into our care. We were already in love, we already belonged to her, but on that day we knew that she was officially ours.
Friday, June 1st, a day that my wildest dreams could not do justice. This was the day we walked into our house with our baby daughter, Dani Marie. Years of prayer, tears, hopes, fears, and emotions led us to that moment. I wanted to immediately write and tell you all about it, but I sat quietly and over and over in my mind I thought, "Be still and KNOW that I am God." Only God, could bring us to this. I fought him for years, I wanted to MAKE it happen, I wouldn't accept "No" for an answer. God never told me "No", even though that is what I thought I heard.  He told me "Wait." I'm so glad He did. She was more than worth the wait.

I can't wait for all our friends and family to see her. She is still not "due" to be in the world for another month. We have to be very careful with her since she is still so small. The doctors and nurses have advised us to try to mimic the hospital environment as much as possible. We limit visitors, and we will not be taking her out for quite some time. We are anxious to show her off, but we will have to wait a little longer. Please continue to pray for her as she makes this transition. I will keep you updated and post lots of pictures, (surprise, surprise :) )

Chapter 12 ( Nursery )

I am so sorry I haven't posted lately! Things have been wild, exciting, and just plain fun! I will start by updating you on ladybug. She now weighs......get ready..... 4 lbs and 5.7 oz. Can you believe that? She is growing so fast. She is up to taking 50 ml in her bottle every 4 hours. She sucks the bottle dry, and then looks around like, "Can I get a refill?" We laugh and laugh at our sweet, hungry girl.

She took her car seat test today. They strap her in tight and monitor her heart rate for 30 minutes. She passed the test with flying colors. Did we expect any less? She will be having a hearing screen done later tonight. This is all a big green light pointing toward the fact that...........We are getting ready to come home very soon!!!!


We were hoping it would be this week, but it looks more like maybe early next week! It should only be a matter of days now. Which is exciting and a little scary. We are spoiled to high-tech monitors and nurses who know what they are doing, the thought of taking her home with "just us".......Untrained, far from professionals.....Ok, that will make your stomach flip. I know we have plenty of people who will help us figure it all out. We will be fine...Right? We will be fine, We will be fine, ( I just repeat this to myself for motivational purposes.)

So, when we bought our house years ago right before we got married we fell in love with this little room on the right of the hallway. We knew it would make the perfect nursery. It had light brown walls and the cutest little white shelf running along the top of the room. We envisioned stuffed animals and children's books distributed all around the shelf. We have left the door shut to that room for years. I thought of painting it once or twice, I even tried to make it into a guest bedroom. Nothing seemed to fit. We would leave it empty, then we would decide to try to fill it up with other things, but nothing ever felt right. Sometimes I would just walk in and cry. I thought of taking a hammer to that cute, little white shelf more than a few times. It just seemed to be a reminder of what was missing from our home.....

We finally got the opportunity to do just the makeover that room needed! Thank goodness I kept the light brown walls and talked myself out of demolishing that little shelf. Turns out it does make the perfect nursery, we always knew that part, but what we never realized is, we weren't waiting for the nursery to complete our home, we needed Dani Marie to complete our family. A nursery? Well, that is just icing on the cake!

Enjoy the pics.........

Chapter 11 - Words for the Heart

Two things

1. We weigh 4 lbs. 1.1 ounces! That sounds and looks so much bigger than 2 lbs. I am in love with Dani Marie's chubby cheeks. They are precious. She is now taking a bottle at EVERY feeding. Can you believe how far we have come in 6 weeks? God is so Good!

2. My sister hands me a gift bag the other day. She told me it was "a little happy".
I look inside the bag to find a framed poem. It read.....

Late into the night two women bow their heads to pray.
Each of them not knowing how to face another day.
To the same God their hearts are made known
The burdens within them, they shoulder alone.

One woman and her husband have a whole life they wish to share.
She just doesn't know how many more days she can bear,
Of empty arms and crying herself to sleep,
Surely, it would end if God could hear her plea.

The other woman, worlds away
Feels the tears start as she bows her head to pray.
She already loves this little one too much to handle any other way.
How would this work? What would she do? All she can do is pray.

Our God is a loving God, the Creator, our Father,
He can heal broken hearts and grant Peace like no other.
For see God had orchestrated the master plan,
He was just waiting for the women to take his hand.

On April 12, everything fell into place,
As these two women witnessed God's grace.
One woman prayed over this amazing little girl.
She prayed that God would give her the world.

She cried her tears and made her plans,
Knowing without a doubt, it was God that guided her hands.
The other woman's broken heart was healed,
She was made a mother, as the tiny baby's fate was sealed.

Late into the night two women bow their heads to pray.
Each of them now knowing just how to face each day.
With a God that cares so much to heal the tiniest hurts,
Such a special plan for such a tiny one's unexpected birth.

Written by : Amber Garner

Wow!!!! Can you say tears? Yes, again with the tears. I was blown away. This poem fit our situation so perfectly. It was such a reminder that God is the one who set this whole plan into motion. As amazed as we are at the amazing and rapid progress Dani Marie is making, we know that it is God who has guided her all along the way. His healing hands have never left her side. Long before she was born, even 6 years ago when we started our long journey to have a child, God knew that Dani Marie was destined for greatness. He knew her story, because he wrote it. It's a story that I know I will never grow tired of hearing.

I'm so thankful for "Aunt Amber" and the words she wrote. Words that we will cherish as we reflect for years to come on God's greatest blessing in our lives.

Goodnight, sleep tight

Chapter 10 - Tiny Fashionista

WE DID IT!!! Dani Marie was moved into an open crib. This means she is now putting her tremendously large for someone so small wardrobe to use. We love it! This means we get to cuddle her more. I have to tell you just how this all came about....

Monday afternoon I left from school and drove to our home away from home (The NICU) to meet my husband. He had already spent the morning with Dani Marie (compliments of Toyota's swing shift). Her temperature had been going up a little as the bed heated to warm her tiny body. She was scheduled to get a new bed, and possibly an open crib this coming Saturday. The nurse decided it couldn't possibly hurt to just ask our doctor about moving into an open crib early. She called him and he said.....

"No, she is still too small. We usually don't try them in the open crib until they are a little older. She is still only 32 weeks."

The nurse came and told us the news. We understood completely even though we were a little discouraged.

Five minutes later the phone rings. It is the doctor.

He tells the nurse, " Well, you know since we don't know exactly how old she is and she took her bottle earlier than we usually try it, let's give it a try. If we need to go back to the old bed we will."

Well, guess who held her temp up?????? That's right, Dani Marie.

I'm learning so much from this little lady. I love the fact that she refuses to believe that she is "too small" to do anything and that reminds us all just how big our God is.

So, here is our fashionista modeling her very first outfit! Enjoy the pics!

Chapter 9 (Just Thankful….)

What a wild week this has been! I’m sure it has been for so many of you as well. Summer is so close we can smell it, school is winding down, graduations, etc. I wanted to start by giving everyone an update on our sweet girl. She is up to 3lbs 10.4 ounces! Wow, right? She is taking a bottle every other feeding and will hopefully be moving to an open crib soon! Moving to an open crib means she will get to wear clothes!!!!I know that may not seem huge to most people, but we are so looking forward to snuggling her up in a cute little onesie. I have to admit, I’m not the most girly girl (shocker right?) Pink has never really been my color, but there is something about these cute little pink and purple footed, soft, precious , tiny outfits that makes my heart skip a beat. We are hard at work on Project Nursery! I plan to post pictures within the next few days.

You got to check out the newest picture of her! Look closely, because…yes that is a double chin! We love it!!!

I love writing this blog, and the response to it has been so amazing! I really love getting to share Dani’s story, God’s faithfulness, and my thoughts. I’ve been feeling pretty excited about being able to put these events in words. The truth of the matter is, my husband actually probably has done a better job summing up the whole experience.

For those of you who know Daniel, you know he is a man of very few words. (unless you are talking about the latest golf match, the buck you bagged, or the football score) I do most of the talking for our family, but he did the most magnificent job of describing the past 5 weeks. It happened this week, we had to fill out a good bit of paper work as part of our adoption process. We each had questions and bios to do. I decided that I had better proof or at least glance over Daniel’s part. Most of his answers were pretty to the point and far from wordy.  I came to the last question on the third page.  It was short, but so on point. The question…..

12. How do you feel about your struggle with infertility now that you are adopting?

His answer: Thankful, just thankful. We had to go through it to get to Dani, so I’m so thankful .

I read it probably fifty times. That one short answer seemed to hit the nail right on the head. I knew I felt that way, but I didn’t know we could just simply answer such a complex question. I was fumbling for words to describe every detail of our entire journey, when really all that needed to be said is ……Thankful, just thankful!

So tonight, in the words of my wonderful husband, I’m just thankful. Thankful for everything and everyone who has helped us be who we are and where we are. Thankful for a growing girl, who was made for us! Thankful for everything.

Love you all!!!!

Chapter 8 ( I won't forget )

I won’t forget

 

Today is my first Mother’s Day as a mother, but it is not my first Mother’s Day. I’m so thankful that the Lord is allowing me to remember that. This is a wonderfully blissful day for me today! My daughter has made this day something to celebrate. The Lord is also calling to my mind and heart this morning, last Mother’s Day.

Last Mother’s Day, I was so conflicted about whether  I could even drag myself to church. Our church was celebrating baby dedication on Mother’s Day. I agonized over getting out of bed that Sunday morning a year ago. Could I hold back the tears? Would I be able to stomach the pain? Would the loneliness  show on my face? At the last minute, God gave me the strength to get up and go. I decided that I wanted to go for my mother. She loves having her children at church with her.

I sat in church that day with a broken heart. As sweet babies were dedicated, mothers stood in recognition, roses were given out. I did the best I could to hide it, but I felt forgotten and defeated.

My mother called me after church, she told me how much she loved me. She said, “ Ashlee, sweet baby girl, I am so proud of how strong you tried to be today. You came to church, because you thought I needed you there, Please, don’t ever feel like you have to do that again. My heart breaks to see you fight falling apart. I totally understand if you need to just stay home next year.” I had decided that there was no way I could go this year,

BUT as we all know, God had different plans. My heart has been healed, and I am celebrating this wonderful day as a brand new mom. With that said, I am strangely thankful for last Mother’s Day as well. God used it to teach me, that this holiday can cut like a knife for some.

I will celebrate today, but I will not do so insensitively.

This morning I will be down on my knees asking God to guard and protect the hearts of the people who will be in pain today. I’ll be praying for the friend who lost her mother this year. I know this day will be lonely for her. I will be praying for the friends who will never get to meet their babies, because they lost them this year. I know that as happy as I am to be able to hold my daughter today, somewhere her birth mother is sitting with empty, unselfish arms. Without her willingness to sacrifice, to unselfishly give me the greatest gift, I would be as broken hearted today as I was a year ago.

God has blessed me with the most amazing Mother’s Day gift, but I won’t forget about the people who want to stay in bed today. You may be one of those people who are hurting. If you are, please know that I am praying for you. God can give you strength even before he sees fit to reveal his answers. I will never forget this wonderful Mother’s Day, but I won’t let myself forget the last one either. I will forever be sensitive the pain of some. I hope as you read this that your mom is still living, I hope your children will still fill your home ( or a local restaurant) in celebration today, but I know that the truth is some of you will probably barely be able to stomach the holiday. For all of you, I will be praying too.

Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.

Whatever today holds for you, remember that blessed be the name of the Lord.

Chapter 7 ( My Diaper Bag Moment!)

We are having a fantastic week! I hope you are as well. I have taken leave from work, and I am sure enjoying the extra moments with my little lady. I think that extra time is agreeing with her pretty well since she is now tipping the scales at a hefty 2 lbs. 14.2 ounces! You may not believe this but we are actually getting the cutest little round cheeks you could ever imagine. Well, don't take my word for it........

I know right??? I could stare at her picture all day, but then I wouldn't get the blog finished......
Moving on,

We have our eye exam today! Thanks to all our friends, family, and readers we feel like she will be plenty prayed up. Thank you so much!

I have to share a moment that made this whole wonderful ordeal really hit home for me. A sweet friend had given me a gift certificate to a cute local boutique that specializes in children's items. One of those awesome cute little stores that I used to only shop in for my nieces. I decided I would use it to get a diaper bag. I walk in look around, pick out a bag, second guess it for 15 minutes, look at another, then go back to the one I originally fell in love with, and finally make up my mind that I am getting it. So, as I'm standing in line about to check out, it dawns on me. Ashlee Martin, here you stand in line buying a diaper bag, A DIAPER BAG! It isn't for your sister, nor your best friend, it isn't for someone at church's shower, it is for YOUR DAUGHTER! It all hit me like a ton of bricks! Don't ask me why it took a diaper bag, to make it all click in my mind and me fully understand how much this past month has changed my mind. I have no clue, but I know after I paid for the diaper bag and drove away my heart smiled. I guess the diaper bag just made it hit home for me that very soon we would actually get to bring our miracle home and she would need diapers, wipes, and the 100 other things moms seem to get to fit in that bag.

Tears, ( I know it's a wonder I'm not dehydrated yet, right? ) Tears, the happy kind, the best kind started falling. I drove to my mother's house and I showed her the diaper bag and we both just stopped a second and really soaked in the moment.

God is so good! I'm so thankful this week for your prayers, our progress, and a diaper bag!
Love you!

Chapter 6 (The Best Medicine )

Chapter 6 (The Best Medicine )

Ok, sorry for the long absence. My hands have been pretty full with a very tiny girl! This post just reflects how I have been feeling this week. I want to take a second and just share with you the wonderful progress that my sweet girl is making. She was born at roughly 27 weeks. Full-term is usually 37-40 weeks, so she came a little over 2 months early. Many preemies born at this age stay on a ventilator for days or even weeks before they are able to breathe on their own. Dani Marie was only on a ventilator for 16 hours. She only received supplemental oxygen for about 2 days. Since that time she has been breathing completely on her own. She no longer requires any type of iv fluid and her feedings have increased from 2 ml every 3 hours to 22 ml!!! She was born weighing 2 lbs. 4 oz, and she lost down to 2 lbs. She has been picking up some weight and is now weighing in at a whooping 2lbs. 11 oz. The doctors and nurses have been so good to us! They are constantly telling us how well Dani is doing and they are some of her greatest cheerleaders.

 We had to stop google searches on preemies, because it will scare you to death. When we first got Dani, we worried about how she would do. She was so tiny and seemed fragile and frail. As we sit with her day after day, night after night, we have learned to see her for who she really is. She is still small, but she is growing every day. She is far from frail; in fact I can only hope to be half as tough as she is in my lifetime. She has shown us that even the smallest person we have ever been privileged enough to lay eyes on can possess the greatest strength and desire to live that we could ever imagine. It was almost as if she told me in those first few seconds of admiring her, “ Mommy, don’t you know you can’t judge a book by its cover? I’m small, but I’m strong. Don’t worry about me, haven’t you learned that the creator of the heavens and earth is my physician? If God is with me, who can be against me?”   When I look at her, I can hear the lyrics to a song that our former music minister Bro. Kenny used to sing…

Somebody's praying; I can feel it
Somebody's praying for me.
Mighty hands are guiding me
To protect me from what I can't see
Lord I believe, Lord I believe
That somebody's praying for me.

Angels are watching; I can feel it
Angels are watching over me.

There's many miles ahead till I get home
Still I'm safely kept before your throne
Cuz Lord I believe, Lord I believe
Your angels are watching over me.

The prayers of YOU are what have helped her beat the odds and surpass expectations. There truly is power in prayer, and for sweet Dani Marie it has been a healing power. I know there are many long days and nights ahead, but we will take them one at a time. Our next big milestone will be our eye exam on Wednesday. I once again petition your prayers on behalf of my daughter. I’m not worried anymore; I’m incredibly at peace even though I have no control. I know that somebody’s praying every moment of every day for our “miracle”! J

I’m humbled, honored, and amazed at this journey!

Love you all!

Chapter 5 ( Showers of Blessings )

Chapter 5 (Showers of Blessings )

These are a few pictures from my first baby shower! I have to pinch myself to make sure this is not all still some dream. “My baby shower” that phrase is music to my heart. Over the past few years I have attended many baby showers and even hosted a few. I have always tried to prevent my heart from ever getting bitter or jealous. For the most part, I did a fantastic job of really keeping those feelings of jealousy and emptiness away during our years of struggle to have a child. It is a very hard feeling to describe to someone who hasn’t longed for a child. When a friend or loved one shares the news that they are expecting it’s often bittersweet. You are so happy for the precious gift they have been given, but it is also a painful reminder of what you still don’t have.

Baby showers or even wedding showers can be a source of raw emotion for someone who is waiting on the Lord. Whether you are waiting for a husband, a child, or the Lord’s healing hand in some other way, I want to encourage you tonight. I have learned over the last several weeks that God’s timing is perfect. His blessings come right on time. His plan for our lives far surpasses any that we could come up with.

A month ago, I was broken hearted and discouraged because God wasn’t giving me what I wanted the way I wanted it or when I thought I had to have it. But this week I am celebrating His perfect plan. He gave me what I needed, the way he wanted me to have it, when I finally could trully appreciate the gift.

So this week as  I sat surrounded by sweet co-workers, family, and friends, I was reminded of an old hymn that I have not thought about in years.

The hymn is titled, “Showers of Blessings”

Showers of blessing,
Showers of blessing we need:
Mercy-drops round us are falling,
But for the showers we plead.

There shall be showers of blessing,
If we but trust and obey;
There shall be seasons refreshing,
If we let God have His way.

These words have never been more true. I’m so thankful for the “shower” this week, it was just another reminder that the road that led us to Dani Marie was the perfect path for our lives. God knew where he was leading me, even when I at times refused to follow. He was patient and faithful to bring us to our amazing little lady.

Chapter 4 ( Pray without Ceasing )

So, I have been a parent for the good part of 9 days now. It has been the most wonderful and frightening experience of my life, all at once. I have learned a very valuable lesson over the last few days. Pray without ceasing!

The past few days have been wonderfully scary! Does that make a bit of sense? Without getting into the details, I will just say that one of our neighbors in the NICU didn’t make it this week. My heart broke for that family! Can you imagine? The hospital we are in is fantastic, but I’m sure many of you are painfully aware that sometimes there is just nothing that can be done to save a loved one. This is the case in even the smallest of patients. This was a painful reminder that not for even one-minute can we stop praying for our daughter. We must constantly pray for God’s strength and healing hands to surround her.

I have become prone to overwhelming moments lately. As I sat in the hospital room holding my precious miracle, I had one of those moments. I held her and I cried for the family who had lost their baby, I cried for friends who have had children taken from them. I cried for friends who still have not been blessed with parenthood. I just cried. I realized that I had to constantly pray and pray without ceasing until we get out of the NICU. Then I realized once we get out of the NICU, I will need to pray and pray without ceasing until we finish all our follow-up appointments. Then I thought about how we would have to pray and pray without ceasing as we start school. Then before my mind flashed all the scary things kids are exposed to way too early and I realize I need to go ahead and start praying for my daughter to have a heart for Jesus at an early age. Then I even thought about the scary idea of her learning to drive one day! If you are from North Mississippi and you have been on the road lately you know how scary that thought is. Then I just realized that I would not be able to protect her from every thing I want to, but I can and forever will pray for her without ceasing. As a  parent, there is never a day or moment that you don’t need to go to the Lord and pray for his protection for your child. I decided that even though being a parent is scary, thank God I have my precious Lord who has shown he is on my side. As scary as all those thoughts were, imagine if I didn’t know who holds her future? So, now I know how I will raise her……on my knees. My God has shown me in a matter of days that there is nothing he can’t do, and what an overwhelming peace that gives me as a brand new mom.

I promised this blog would be a happy one…..I know that was just some deep stuff, so I want to leave you on a lighter note…..My tiny 2 pound lady does not like to lay on her tummy. In fact sometimes she down right refuses to do so. This is her doing a downward dog pilates maneuver in order to keep from laying on her belly.

Look at the strength in those little legs!!! Yes people, we have a fighter on our hands! More to come! Love you all

Chapter 3 ( A Mother's Heart)

Chapter 3 ( A Mother’s Heart)

I first want to thank everyone for the wonderful response you have given to this blog. I have received so many kind words of encouragement since my first post. So many of you have shared intimate and personal stories with me about your own struggles and journeys. I want to tell each of you that I have learned  from our experience, God’s plan is perfect and prayer is powerful.

Sunday was an amazing day this week!!! I got to really hold my sweet baby girl. We got to experience an awesome thing called skin to skin time. This is where the baby is placed on your chest for about 15 minutes. The nurses and doctors say that it really helps with bonding. Our nurse explained that there is an amazing difference in the body of a woman and a man. A mother’s body will heat up quickly to warm the newborn baby when placed on her chest. A dad can do skin to skin, but his chest will not have the same response, so when the baby is still struggling to regulate their own temperature the father can only hold the baby for a limited amount of time. I was worried about how I would respond. I started to think, “ Oh, no what if I can’t hold her long, because even though I’m a woman, I’m not technically her birth mother. I was afraid I wouldn’t warm up the way she needed me to. Soon after my sweet Dani Marie had been placed on my chest, I began to feel myself get hot. I could feel my skin get warmer and warmer. True tears of joy filled my eyes. Our nurse said, “ See, I told you she would know who her mommy was.” I thanked the Lord for giving me a mother’s heart. Even this little detail he had foreseen. In that moment I thought back over the last few years, and I was so thankful for decisions we had made to be honest about our struggle, those decisions led us to our child. A child that I knew was meant for me…..

During the times when we were experiencing our darkest days while longing for a child, I had a tough choice to make. For those of you who have ever struggled with the loss of a child or unfulfilled desire to have one, you know that words hurt. The childhood saying, “ Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is a big fat LIE. Words hurt. They just do. People can be cruel, sometimes without even meaning to do so. For the first few years I tried to brush off the questions about when we would start a family, by giving a quick, rehearsed answer of… “We like to travel.” I know it’s nothing fancy, but we really do like to travel so it seemed to satisfy the question. Then one night at a Thanksgiving function, I was told that it was time to grow up and settle down and give my parents a grandbaby. I’m sure the person who said this to me had no idea that the words would cut like a knife long after the meal was over. I talked with my parents about it that night, and my parents told me I had a decision to make. I could either continue to be guarded and generic with my cookie cutter response, or I could be honest. I could swallow my pride and just be honest. That was such a scary thought!!!!! I’m the type who likes to pretend that all is well even when it isn’t. I remember my mother telling me that she knew and trusted God enough that he would one day bring us through the struggle. She told me that if I would truly believe it too and be honest with people about it, that when the Lord delivered us in whatever way he saw fit, the testimony would be that much stronger. My mother is very wise! I decided ok, here it goes. I decided to start by simply saying, “ We already have a family, but we would love a child. When God gives us one, we will gladly accept.” It was scary to be so vulnerable the first few times I said it, but then it felt good! I let the wall down, and I learned there was nothing to be ashamed of. People also were able to start praying for us when we were willing to be honest about our struggle. I’m so glad I made the choice to let go of my pride. We found out about the private adoption and sweet Dani Marie through a dear friend, who because she knew about our struggle could be used by the Lord in a mighty way to help bring us together with our miracle.

Thanking God for allowing me to appreciate the journey and allowing Dani to literally "warm" my heart.